The Official Fanfiction University of Cats
by Ekwy
Summary: At THIS school, you get to learn about important things that you have to know to write CATS based fanfiction. Who are the teachers? The characters themselves, of course! A Miss Cam approved spinoff. Chap. 33 up.
1. A Very Bad Beginning

**A/N:** Ah. It was just a matter of time before this happened, really. Here it is: The Official Fanfiction University of Cats. Inspired by the wonderful Miss Cam and her OFUM, this is an authorized spin-off and no reason to report me for plagiarizm. Ok? Ok.

Disclaimer: CATS no belong to me. CATS belong to T.S. Eliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber. The concept of fanfiction universities no belong to me. The concept of fanfiction universities belong to Miss Cam. Honour Miss Cam, for Miss Cam is great! .:nods:.

**NOTE:** This OFU is based on the London production of Cats. Although other versions will probably show up from time to time, this is what I will focus on. Just so you know. :)

**One: A Very Bad Beginning**

Joanna Swanson, fanfiction writer extraordinaire, was sitting in front of her computer, completely engulfed in her latest story. It was a thirty-chapter long epic about the fantastic love-story between the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees and her own character Kateryn Moonbeam Starsong, and Joanna was extremely proud of this story.

She was listening to the sweet sounds of the Rum Tum Tugger singing on her CD-player. His song about Mistoffelees had been on repeat ever since she'd gotten the CD on her birthday, which had been three months ago. She had probably annoyed her family quite a bit (her brother had even threatened with snapping the CD in half while she was at school) but Joanna cared not for their complaints. She forgot everything when she was writing.

_Misto took Kateryn in his muscular arms and together they sang their joy of bein togethur again finally "Oh I was so worried about you!" said Misto and looked at her adoringly. "Never leave me again!" "I wont my sweet!" said Kateryn. "I love you" and they kissed for a long time, and then Tugger came and he said "Congrtulations man I hope your happy" and then the kittens came and Ectera screamed at Tugger and jumped up and down. BUT!_

Joanna paused, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. She wanted to have one last, final point before she finished the story, but she wasn't sure on how to do it. After having pondered for a short while, she shrugged and wrote:

_Cassandra was looking at them from behind a dumpster and she glared at them and she said to herself "I'll go and tell macavty, and hell kill them! I hate Kateryn!" But then Mungojerry and Rumpelteaser came and they hit Cassadnra in her head and she passed out LOL!  
THE END!_

"Done!" Joanna exclaimed happily and leaned back in her chair. She pressed Ctrl+S to save, but instead of the familiar 'cling!' sound she usually got when she saved, she heard an annoyed voice from somewhere nearby.

"Why do they _always_ pick on me? What did _I_ ever do?"

Joanna looked around. She was alone in her room. On the other hand, the voice didn't sound as if it had come from her room, but from the outside. The backyard? She got up from her chair and looked out the window.

Moonlight shone down on the small patch of grass, illuminating two dark figures that stood there. They were looking up at her window; she could see their eyes glinting in the darkness. Joanna's heart stopped beating for a moment. The figures didn't look human.

She rubbed her eyes, and when she looked out again, the figures had disappeared.

'Maybe I haven't been sleeping properly,' Joanna though to herself.

She looked at the clock beside her bed. The red digits read half past one in the morning. It was definitely time for bed. Joanna went back to her computer to turn it off. Before she did that, however, she posted her newly written story on Fanfiction Dot Net. It took her about one minute. Joanna smiled contentedly. In the morning she would have at least five new reviews, all praising her for her hard work...

There was a faint 'cling!' sound from her computer. Suddenly, a new document had turned up on her desktop. It was marked "OFUC, please read." Joanna stared at it for a moment, and then she double-clicked. She read:

_Good evening, miss Swanson.  
It has come to our attention that you write so called 'badfic' within the much-esteemed Cats fandom. This does not please the Jellicles in the least. They have become extremely annoyed with you, and it is hard to deal with annoyed Jellicles. Therefore you have been enrolled to the Official Fanfiction University of Cats, to learn how to appreciate the work of T.S. Eliot, and stop with your preposterous writing. Thank you.  
Miss Minnaloushe  
Course-Coordinator of OFUC_

When Joanna scrolled down, she could see page after page with text, questions, she saw when she looked closer. Very, very odd questions.

Name:  
Age:  
Gender:

Joanna laughed to herself. This was probably some lark e-mailed to her by one of her faithful reviewers, as a joke. All right, if they wanted to play, she'd play. She filled in.

Joanna, 16, Female

The next question puzzled her a bit. "Species: Human/Jellicle/Pollicle"? Human it was. She bolded the letters and went on.

Lust Object: Munkustrap/Macavity/The Rum Tum Tugger/ Mistoffelees/Other (please specify)

That was easy. She bolded "Mistoffelees" and added a bunch of "'Favourite character'," she mumbled to herself. "Easy. Misto, of course!"

It went on like that for pages. Joanna answered inquiries such as "How many times have you seen the show live?" and "Do you own the soundtrack?" but also strange things like "Of you met Bustopher Jones on the street, how would you greet him and why?" At the end she wasn't really sure on what she was writing, her eyes seemed to fall together by themselves. When it was all answered the closed the document and went to bed.

When the computer 'cling!'ed again and the mysterious document disappeared just as suddenly as it had turned up, Joanna was already fast asleep.

"Honestly, Old Deuteronomy, can't we clean up a little bit of this mess?"

The bespectacled woman kicked an old bubble-gum wrapping the size of a newspaper out of the way and looked questioningly at the Jellicle leader.

"My dear miss Minnaloushe," said Old Deuteronomy patiently. "This IS a junkyard. Cleaning it would be a rather challenging task, I'm afraid."

Miss Minnaloushe sighed. "But we'll get students here soon," she pointed out. "Is this going to be my university? A huge pile of junk?"

"It looks like it. Unless you want to clean it up all by yourself..."

"No." Miss Minnaloushe scratched her chin. "I'll think of something. Are the cars ready?"

Old Deuteronomy nodded. "My toms did a good job with getting them here." There was pride in his voice. "Five of them, not counting the original TSE 1. Will that be enough, you think?"

"We'll see." Miss Minnaloushe sat down on the hat that usually served as Bustopher Jones' spot whenever he came to visit. She stretched out her legs and groaned. "This job will be the death of me, I just know it. And we have students coming soon... You think everything's ready for them?"

The old tom shrugged, a very human gesture. "We can hope, my dear. We are working very hard, and I think we're making progress."

The woman perked up. "Really? Do you mean that you've actually gotten everyone to cooperate? Together? As a _team_?"

Old Deuteronomy coughed. "In a matter of speaking, yes. I... managed to get them all to sit down for a nice game of cards."

Miss Minnaloushe's grey eyes widened. "Cards?" she repeated. "Oh no..."

"MISS MINNALOUSHE!"

The course coordinator knew the source of that voice long before she had turned around. She sighed deeply at the tortoise-shell kitten who was running up to her.

"Yes, Etcetera?"

The kitten's face was scrunched up in a discontented grimace, and she gesticulated wildly at the middle of the junkyard, where a ginger tomcat sat and smirked at the neat pile of coins in front of him. Around him sat the entire Jellicle tribe, 30-odd cats who were all glaring at him. He waved satisfiedly at miss Minnaloushe when she looked his way.

"Macavity is a cheater!" yelled Etcetera and stomped her paw on the ground.

"Of course I am!" the ginger tom replied, unruffled. "I _am_ Macavity, the Hidden Paw, the Napoleon of Crime! Haven't you heard my song? I _always_ cheat."

"But that's not _fair_!" howled Etcetera. "Jenny! Jelly! Is that fair!"

The two orange queens sighed in perfect unison from their place on top of the giant tire.

"Macavity," said Jellylorum patiently. "I would so prefer it if you stopped tricking the kittens for money. Save it for the students."

"I warned you and warned you again, Etcetera," said Jennyanydots and shook her head. "'Don't play cards with Macavity,' I said. 'He will skin you to the bone,' I said. But did the kits listen? NO. Because the kitten always knows best." 

"I thought I had him this time!" Etcetera pouted. 

"You'll never have me!" yelled Macavity gleefully and collected his winnings. "For I _am_ Macavity, the Napoleon "

"of Crime, the Hidden Paw," chorused Demeter and Bombalurina. "Yeah, we know."

Macavity glared at Demeter. "And who put a penny in you, poppet?"

Demeter went pale and hid behind Munkustrap, who patted her comfortingly on the head. Miss Minnaloushe stood up.

"People!" she called out, and a few cats hissed. "Right, sorry. I mean, felines." The inhabitants of the junkyard looked at her. "We don't have time for this," the course coordinator said. "The students will come tomorrow, and we have to get along. Even Macavity." She looked at him sternly.

The ginger tom snorted. "I don't like to get along."

"So I've gathered. But you bloody well learn to like it, or I will watch as your fangirls glomp you, and I won't lift a finger to help. Is that clear?"

Macavity smirked lazily. "Please. I am the most dangerous cat in London. I am not afraid of a couple of humans."

Miss Minnaloushe didn't budge. "_I_ know that. _You_ know that. _The Jellicles_ know that. But the fanfic-writers..." She sighed dramatically. "_They_ think that you are really just a mischievous tom that needs a big hug. And big bad though you may be, you will NOT be able to stand against them when they come after you. If you don't pull yourself together, none of us will pay you any attention whatsoever when you run screaming from them."

"Hear, hear!" bellowed Munkustrap, who was still comforting the terrified Demeter.

Macavity looked at the woman in contempt, but there was a flicker of fear in his yellow eyes. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll... _behave_."

"Good." Miss Minnaloushe turned around the Jellicles. "The rest of you, be on your guard. Have your claws sharpened."

"Miss Minnaloushe?" said a voice from behind her.

It was so sudden that she jumped, and her wings unfolded ever so slightly. Slowly, miss Minnaloushe turned around. She quickly noticed that the voice was in fact two voices, except that they had spoken in such perfect unison that it had sounded like one. It was Coricopat and Tantomile, of course. They looked at her patiently. She pulled herself together.

"Yes?" she said, stroking back a strand of brown hair from her face. "What is it?"

"Mistoffelees sent us," murmured Coricopat.

"The Magician is ready to call them here," filled in Tantomile.

"He says it won't take long..."

"Everyone have already filled in their enrolment papers..."

"All he needs is your permission," they finished together.

"Ah. All right." Miss Minnaloushe swallowed. The Twins always creeped her out just a little bit. "Fine. I'll come."

As she followed them towards the far end of the junkyard, where Mistoffelees was waiting, the nervousness she had felt the whole afternoon made itself known again. So, she was going to run this university? By herself? Well no, obviously not, she'd have all the cats helping her out, of course, but she'd be alone even so. Her wings folded and unfolded continuously, and her hands were shaking a bit.

'Calm down,' she told herself. 'They'll be more afraid of you than you are of them.'

She couldn't help but smirking. Of course they would be. She'd make an... impression on the students, all right, once they arrived. She wouldn't allow them to make her nervous. They weren't worth it.

Miss Minnaloushe nodded at Mistoffelees, who was standing completely wreathed in blue lightning. Stars glittered in his black coat, and his dark eyes shone. Any fangirl would have fainted.

"Go ahead, Mistoffelees," said the course coordinator. "We're ready."

'After all,' she thought with satisfaction. 'It can't be all that bad. Right?'

* * *

**A/N:** Enrolment information can be found in my profile. **ALL ENROLMENTS MUST BE E-MAILED TO ME.** Anyone daring to enrol in a review will be electrocuted by Mistoffelees. That all clear? Good.


	2. Miss Minnaloushe

**A/N:** Dear Rat,  
Nice to have you back, little flamer. I suppose you're the one who got _Sues_ removed as well. Let's just clear some things up. Yes, Miss Cam did approve of this. E-mail her if you don't believe me.  
They do interract. They do not however interract in reviews, which is the rule. That is why I've strictly forbidden enrolling in reviews.  
I think you're a coward for not leaving your e-mail address, and I really don't understand what I've done to make you hate me this much. I have not broken any rules. Leave me alone.

**Two: Miss Minnaloushe**

Joanna woke up slowly and uncertainly. She was sure that she had dreamt something wonderful, so she wasn't very keen on getting up at all. But her alarm clock had gone off, so she supposed she had to. She groaned and rubbed her eyes. Staying up late and writing was a bad idea. Tonight she'd go to bed at a reasonable hour, she thought. Maybe then she'd be able to finally get some real rest.

The fic-writer yawned loudly and stretched out on the bed. It felt a little strange. The soft sheets were nothing like she remembered them. They were comfortable, sure, but there was a roughness to them that she couldn't explain.

"Hey, no pushing!"

Joanna stiffened. That was definitely a voice that she had never heard before. Very, very slowly, she opened her eyes.

She was not lying in her bed. She was not in a house at all, as a matter of fact. She was in the backseat of a car, but a car that seemed a lot larger than any car she had ever seen before. It had red interior and smelled of oil and a green Wunderbaum tree that hanged in the mirror at the front.

Beside Joanna lay a... a something. It looked human, at first. Well, like a human with fur, cat-like ears and a tail, but still basically human. It had a greyish fur and wore a black collar. If Joanna squinted, she could read what it said:

My name is Misty.

"Misty?" Joanna repeated.

The something opened its eyes and looked her. "Wha'?" It blinked a few times, then frowned. "Heeey. Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

"I'm Joanna," said Joanna. "And this isn't a bedroom. Who are you? More importantly: _What_ are you?"

"What are you talking about?" The something yawned and stretched out in a very feline way. "I'm a girl, what does it look like?"

"It looks like you're a... well, a Jellicle." Joanna was feeling slightly nervous. Was she still dreaming? Because if she was, this was a very _real_ dream.

"A Jellicle?" The something paused and, very slowly, looked down at itself. There was an uncomfortable silent second. And then... "AAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Joanna was so shocked by the sudden scream that she started screaming too. This shocked the something in return, so that it promptly shut up.

"Why are _you_ screaming?" it huffed. "_I_'m the one who's gone all metamorphic here!"

"You mean you're not a Jellicle normally?" Joanna asked, slightly shocked.

"No, I'm not! Jellicles aren't real! Why would I be one?" The something rolled its (her?) eyes, as if Joanna was clearly an idiot.

"Because you have fur?" Joanna pointed out carefully.

Misty paused again and took another look at herself. "Well," she said finally. "It is obvious that I'm dreaming. This is all an illusion, see? You're not really here, and I don't really have fur. I'm just dreaming you. Go away now. If this is a dream, and I'm really a Jellicle, I'm going to find Tugger and make sure he proclaims his everlasting love to me. Bye."

The grey cat nodded, content with this new turn of events, and looked around. She resolutely padded up to the car door, which opened for her. She jumped down on the ground and was gone.

Joanna was left, blinking in surprise. It took her a while to realise what had happened. She was most certainly not in her bed, and she was most certainly not at home. By the looks of it, she was currently located at the Jellicle junkyard, together with a Jellicle that wasn't one in real life, and a feeling that she was on her way to madness.

The fic-writer took these news with a certain calm. She had known this day would come sooner or later. Madness. Yep. That had to be it.

'But if I am mad,' she thought soberly, 'then I'm at least going to have some fun while it lasts. I wonder where Misto is...'

She got to her feet and walked up to the car door, much like Misty had done. Carefully she jumped out, and landed on the ground outside the car. Here, the air smelled vaguely like garbage, and now that she was out of the car she could see that it was rusty and that its paint (which might have been blue at some point) was peeling off.

The surroundings seemed to be mostly junk. There was an old dryer perched firmly on top of a pile of old clothes not far away, and she could see the hood of another car behind that. Trash littered the ground, but there was something odd about it. It was... bigger, somehow. Much like the car she had woken up in, even the soda can beside her was ridiculously over-dimensioned. She could have put it over her head, if she'd wanted to. But she didn't. It smelled kind of funny.

Joanna caught the sight of grey fur disappearing around a corner.

"Misty!" she called out and started to run after it. "Hey Misty, wait up!"

She caught up with the grey not-quite-Jellicle, who had stopped abruptly when she'd reached the aforementioned corner. She was staring at something in front of her, as if she couldn't believe her eyes.

Joanna stopped to rest beside her, panting. Oh, she really needed to start working out again. Once she had recovered a little bit, she looked up, and her mouth fell open.

It was a junkyard, surely. But this was a _familiar_ bit of a junkyard. There was the car, with the registration plate TSE 1. There was the giant tire. There was... there was...

"Oh God," whispered Misty. "It's really..."

"Yeah," breathed Joanna. "It really is."

Thoughts were buzzing around like flies in Joanna's mind. This was the Jellicle junkyard. The. Jellicle. JUNKYARD.

It was swarming with people. At first the two girls searched hopefully for any signs of their Lust Objects, but they didn't recognize a single one of these persons. They were mostly human, but here and there Joanna could spot the furry faces of a Jellicle, and even an odd Pollicle. The non-humans were frantically feeling their faces, it was evident that they hadn't been this way when they went to sleep. From the bits of conversation she heard, she concluded that they were all extremely confused by this whole situation.

"And I just went asleep, and I woke up here!"

"Me too! And there was this form, you know, that just _showed up_ on my computer, and I thought my sister had written it, because she does things like that, she's so WEIRD, and I filled it out, and BOOM here I was!"

"Did you write that you were a Jellicle on the form?"

"Yeah! I thought it would be fun! And look at me now!" The orange kitten who had spoken felt her face again. "This is so awesome," she said finally.

"So if you wrote that you were a Jellicle on the form, you _became_ a Jellicle when you were transported here," said Joanna to Misty as they made their way through the crowd. "That's interesting."

"I don't speak to dream fragments," said Misty and kept looking for Tugger.

Joanna shrugged. Whatever. She strolled around for a bit, listening to the others talking. It felt rather nice to be among kindred spirits for once. Everyone here were big fans of Cats, and a fight almost broke out when someone mentioned that Tugger was the hottest tom in the show.

"No _way_," protested Chimalmaht, a girl slightly younger than Joanna herself. "Munkustrap is SO hotter. All lean and limber and stuff, mmm..." She sighed dreamily.

"Mistoffelees is the cutest!" proclaimed Joanna, ignoring her. "Especially when he's throwing lightning."

"Is not!" Misty glared at her, forgetting all about the fact that she still thought this was all a very realistic dream. "Tugger can kick both their asses, so there!"

"Munkustrap!"

"Mistoffelees!"

"Tugger!"

The three fanfic-authors glared at each other for a whole minute, and things could have gotten ugly if something hadn't happened.

A woman got up to stand on the hood of TSE 1. She looked rather normal, if you didn't count the large grey wings that protruded from her back. The wings were made of feathers, just like angel wings, but they didn't seem soft at all. They looked like some sort of metal.

Otherwise, the woman looked like your average second-grade teacher might. She had brownish hair, pulled up in a bun at the base of her neck. She was wearing thick glasses with black rims, was a bit on the plump side, and she was dressed in plain black. She cleared her throat.

"Excuse me," she said.

It immediately got very quiet. The woman had the type of voice who could make an entire room fall silent simply by making itself known.

"Thank you. I suppose you want to know where you are?"

There were some mumblings and "uh-huhs" from the crowd. The woman smiled thinly.

"Well," she said. "This is the Official Fanfiction University of Cats. You have all been brought here because your fanfics sucks, and we don't want that to happen anymore. The characters, which you claim to love so much, can't take it." She paused for a moment to let the message sink in. "My name is miss Minnaloushe," she continued after the chatter had quieted down. "I am the course coordinator for this university. It is my job to keep track of you all and make sure the knowledge... sinks in."

Miss Minnaloushe smiled again. Joanna wasn't sure she liked that smile. It was a little bit too much like a smirk to make her feel safe.

Misty raised her hand, and miss Minnaloushe looked at her in mild surprise.

"Yes?"

"Is Tugger here? I want to see Tugger."

Miss Minnaloushe's eye twitched slightly, but she didn't stop smiling. "Of course," she said silkily. "Of course the Rum Tum Tugger is here. All the Jellicle cats are here. Macavity as well."

Excited mumbles arose from the crowd as the fanfic-writers started talking amongst each other. Joanna felt a pang of exhilaration. She'd be seeing Mistoffelees soon! A hand went to check her hair, almost automatically. He'd see her over the crowd, and he'd fall madly in love with her, and they would dance together... Just like in her stories! It was perfect.

That was when Joanna noticed that she was still wearing her nightgown, a rather silly thing with pictures of kittens and teacups all over it. She was also barefoot, and the filthy ground wasn't exactly comfortable to stand on.

But all that sort of... faded away the moment she saw the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees appear on the car, next to miss Minnaloushe. He looked slightly uncomfortable, as if he didn't like being in front of so many people. It was probably because a whole lot those people were looking at him like Pollicles would look at a piece of meat.

"Hello," he said, trying for a friendly approach. "As you may know, I am Mistoffelees. The magical cat. Not 'Mistoffolees,' not 'Mistophelees,' just Mistoffelees. Some people also call me Quaxo, since that is who I am when not performing magic, but we'll get to that later."

Joanna was barely listening. A small puddle of drool had formed at her feet as she looked at the cat on the car.

'Prettyyy...' squealed her brain. 'Misto preeettyyy...'

Mistoffelees left the hood and sat on the roof of the car instead, leaving room for the next Jellicle. Which just happened to be the Rum Tum Tugger.

The Maine Coon wasn't as nervous as his friend. He smirked winningly at the writers, sending a whole bunch of them into hysterics. A few fainted. There was a lot of screaming.

"Hello y'all," said Tugger once the most of his fangirls had already passed out and things had quieted down. "I'm _the_ Rum Tum Tugger. I'm a flirt, and I bloody well enjoy it. I don't plan on settling down any time soon, and especially not with your Mary-Sue. That all perfectly clear? Good."

He winked at the writers, and the few of his remaining fangirls that were still standing up, dropped to the ground.

The next one on the hood was Cassandra. She looked, if possible, even more nervous than Mistoffelees had.

"Er, hi," she said hesitantly. "I'm Cassandra. Er... Well, I just want to say that I'm not evil. I'm not a bitch either, and I don't secretly work for Macavity. I'm a Jellicle. Why are you always picking on me?"

She looked pleadingly at the fic-writers, who simply glared at her. They wanted to see their Lust Objects, and weren't interested in a whining Siamese.

It went on like that. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer came up together ("Yeah, we work for Macavity. You got a problem with tha'?") and explained that they were going to hold a seminar later about whether they were mates or siblings. A few Mungojerrie lovers squealed excitedly.

After the last one, Demeter ("I'm not paranoid, I'm just careful!") had left the hood, miss Minnaloushe stepped up again. There was a groan from the crowd. They had hoped for more hot toms.

"Now you have met them all," said miss Minnaloushe. "I hope you have learned a little something already, but if you haven't then there is no trouble. There will be time for that later." She smiled her thin smile again. "And now, I want you all to return calmly to the cars you woke up in. Please try to remember the way, it would be awfully annoying if you got lost. Dinner will be served soon, but I want you to get the general idea of your surroundings before anything else happens. Class dismissed."

Nobody moved. The entire crowd was staring at the toms sitting on the roof of the TSE 1, their eyes huge and their mouths open.

Miss Minnaloushe raised an eyebrow. "Ah, yes," she sighed. "I had a feeling this would..."

She didn't get the time to finish her sentence. As if on command, the surge of fanfic-writers stormed the car. Joanna was in the front, and her mind was completely transfixed on the face of Mistoffelees.

'Must have,' she thought. 'Must have pretty. Misto is pretty. Must have Misto.'

She was aware of miss Minnaloushe screaming something that sounded quite a lot like "Dueteronomy, Mistoffolees, sic 'em!" and there was a blur of something brown and very, very strong, and then...

Blissful oblivion.

* * *

**A/N:** You get brownie points if you know where I got the name "Miss Minnaloushe." I really appreciate your reviews, my dears. It makes things easier.


	3. Cleaning

**Three: Cleaning**

Joanna woke up and immediately wished she hadn't. Her entire body was aching and felt like one big bruise. She groaned.

"Ah, I see you've woken up," said a kind voice from beside her. "I bet you'll think again before you try to glomp the canons, eh?"

Joanna opened her eyes and found that Jennyanydots was standing in front of her, smiling. The queen was holding a tray filled with rolled up gauze and cotton in her front paws, and a thermometer was tucked firmly behind her left ear. She was wearing a pink apron and had a nurse hat on her head.

Joanna managed to turn her head, and found out that she was lying on a big car seat that had been ripped out of its proper place and put outside at the junkyard. There were many of them, standing in neat rows and covered with somewhat white sheets. Most of the seats supported fic-writers, all in various stages of unconsciousness.

"What... what happened?" she asked faintly.

"Mini-Pollicles, that's what happened," said Jennyanydots cheerfully. "They attacked you when you tried to glomp the toms. It was rather terrible. I've never seen Macavity laugh that hard before in my life." She shook her head.

"Mini-Pollicles?" repeated Joanna blankly.

"Yes. When you spell a name wrong in a fic, you get a mini-Pollicle. I believe you were attacked by Syllabub. She's a sweet little thing, really, but she's not very fond of fic-writers." Jennyanydots sighed. "Ah well. How are you feeling?"

"Dead."

"I can imagine that. Well, I'll get you some Aspirin and send you on your way. Nothing seems to be broken, and you don't want to keep miss Minnaloushe waiting. She was rather... annoyed when you attacked the poor toms, and there will be a reckoning for this, I imagine."

"Reckoning?" Joanna swallowed. "You mean we're going to get punished?"

Jennyanydots looked at her in surprise. "Why of course! You can't go around attacking defenceless Jellicles, now can you? That's bad form. Miss Minnaloushe isn't very fond of bad form."

The orange queen put down her tray of gauze on the pile of books beside Joanna's bed that served as a bedside table, and then she took up a bottle of pills from her apron pocket.

"Here you go, dear," she said, spilling out a few pills from the bottle and putting it back where she'd taken it. "Take these, and you see you'll feel a bit better. Wouldn't want you fainting in the middle of class, now would we?" She didn't seem to be expecting an answer. "Shoo with you now. I have other patients to attend to."

Very slowly, Joanna managed to sit up in bed to take the pills from Jennyanydots. She felt a lot better after she'd swallowed them, but her body still protested wildly when she tried to force it to its feet.

"Miss Minnaloushe is expecting all students by the TSE 1," said Jennyanydots and gave her a nod. "I have a feeling I'll be seeing you again soon. Scram now."

Joanna obeyed, and managed to remove her aching body from the car seat area. It took her a long time to get to the TSE 1. The junkyard was a _lot_ bigger than what she'd seen on the DVD and it was filled with never-ending alleys and strange passages, like a labyrinth.

When she finally arrived, it seemed like everyone had gotten there before her. Miss Minnaloushe stood on the hood of TSE 1 again, and she gave Joanna an unpleasant glare when the girl sat down next to Misty.

"Miss Swanson," she said, her voice like ice. "You're late."

"I got lost," mumbled Joanna. "Sorry."

"I see." Miss Minnaloushe's eyes were like cold flint. "For your own sake then, miss Swanson... Make sure you never get lost again."

"Okay."

"Okay _what_?"

"Okay, miss Minnaloushe."

"That's better." Miss Minnaloushe gave her a short nod and stood up straight. Her wings rattled slightly as she moved. "Now... Perhaps you've understood that I'm not very pleased with you attacking the faculty?" She didn't wait for an answer. "Because I am. It is unacceptable, and you will be punished."

A few people groaned. The course coordinator smirked.

"Yes," she continued. "And I have the perfect punishment for you. As you can see, this junkyard is filthy. You're going to clean it. All of it. I want it neat and in tip-top shape before you go to bed tonight. Is that understood?"

The fic-writers stared at her for a while.

"We can't clean this!" exclaimed DemiGold. "This is a _junkyard_! It's supposed to be this way."

She winced slightly when miss Minnaloushe looked her way.

"This is more than a junkyard," said the course coordinator. "This is _my_ university, and I want it clean. You have no say in this whatsoever. Get it clean, or I'll have the minis rip your throats out."

She cast a tender look at a small group of creatures that looked vaguely like large bulldogs. The creatures had a short brown fur and white chests, and their dark eyes never left the faces of the fic-authors.

They had very, very large teeth, Joanna noticed. She shivered.

"My little darlings," cooed miss Minnaloushe and jumped down from the car, causing her wings to rattle dangerously. "So obedient and faithful. Etcetra, Bombalurian, can you come over here for a minute?"

Two of the mini-Pollicles lumbered over to her side and sat down by her feet, allowing her to scratch them behind their ears. Joanna saw that one of them, probably Etcetra, had a stripy pattern to her fur, much like her namesake. Bombalurian's fur was a bit more reddish than brown, and there was a look of complete confidence in her smouldering eyes.

"These two little cuties are going to look after you and see to it that you do what you're told," said miss Minnaloushe and looked at the mini-Pollicles proudly. They wagged their tails. "Any laziness will not be tolerated. When you're ready, go back to your dormitories. The cars," she explained to their confused looks and rolled her eyes. "Everlasting Cat... Now what are you waiting for? Go!"

Joanna looked at Misty. The grey cat had apparently forgotten about the fact that she thought this was a dream, and was now sighing loudly.

"Want to clean with me?" asked Joanna kindly. "It'll go faster when you're two."

Misty smiled a little. "Okay. Thanks."

"No problem."

They worked hard that day. Sometimes a canon character came by to check on them (and laugh at their misery) but otherwise they were left alone. When they had finally finished, and the mini-Pollicles let them go, the sun had already gone down. Someone (Joanna thought it was Puredeadthingy) tried to sing a few notes from _The Jellicle Ball_, but she had to quit when no one followed her lead.

Joanna and Misty went back to their car, which bore the number TSE 4. They crawled into the backseat and collapsed.

"I'm so tired," wailed Misty. "I don't think I've ever been this tired."

"Yeah," agreed Joanna and blinked sleepily. "Who would have known that miss Minnaloushe hated us so? Oh, what am I lying on?"

She pulled herself up to a sitting position and looked at the thick yellow envelope that had been lying on her seat. The big black letters on its front read: SCHEDULES FOR STUDENTS OF OFUC.

"I have one too," muttered Misty and opened it. She squinted in the dim light from an outside streetlamp and read out loud: "'All students shall be given your own copy of T.S. Eliot's _Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats_. Any student loosing this book will be eaten by the mini-Pollicles.' My. They really take things seriously here."

"Yeah," said Joanna absentmindedly.

Her eyes went to read which classes OFUC offered its students, and bugged out slightly.

"'The Naming of Cats - Why Your OC Cannot Be Named 'Moondancer Sunbeam'," she read. "Taught by all characters?"

"I got that one too!" exclaimed Misty. "Cool! We'll be study-buddies! Hey, check this one out. 'Slash and Jellicles - Why You Should Think It Through.' What's that supposed to mean?"

Joanna shrugged. She wasn't too keen on slash, really. Occasionally it could be good, but she was very protective about Mistoffelees, and he most often got caught up in the slashiness of it all.

"'Mary-Sue and You,' taught by Victoria. Guest speakers: Agents Ekwy and Gecka of the PPC," she said instead. "The PPC? What are those?"

Misty shrugged. "Beats me. I don't have that class anyway. 'Characterization 101...' Now that could be interesting. I've had some problems with my Deuteronomy, he always comes out sounding like a stoner..."

There were a few more classes on Joanna's schedule, but she was too tired to care. She yawned and stretched out on the seat, letting her schedule fall to the floor. It went back up again, hitting her over the head.

"Ow! Hey!"

She glared at the paper. It seemed to glare back. Joanna sighed.

"Fine."

She carefully placed it in the front seat. It seemed to settle for this, and she could try to get some sleep. Her body was still hurting, both from the cleaning and the mini attack earlier that day.

'And tomorrow we start classes,' she thought, groaning. 'My God, how are we going to do this?"

"How _are_ we going to do this?"

Mistoffelees was pacing the area next to the giant tire nervously. An aura of blue light was shimmering around him, illuminating the darkness of the night with a light that was almost as clear as the moon hovering above.

"They are insane!" he bellowed. "Did you _see_ the look in their eyes? They were like... like..."

"Pollicles?" Victoria offered. Mistoffelees spun around, pointing at her with one paw. "Yes! Like Pollicles!" He looked pleadingly at miss Minnaloushe, who was sitting on the tire, looking at him pityingly. "You tell me just how we're supposed to deal with this!"

"I was hoping that we wouldn't have a stampede," said the course coordinator patiently. "But it seemed to be inevitable. A lot of OFUs go through this on their first day, it's perfectly normal."

"_That_ was _normal_?"

"For fangirls, yes. Don't tell me you haven't met fangirls before, Mistoffelees."

The magical cat grumbled. "Well, yes... But they never, ever, except occasionally, chase after me."

"Give it some time. After a while, they'll learn what happens if they glomp a Jellicle."

Macavity cleared his throat.

"Or Macavity," miss Minnaloushe added. "They will learn about the mini-Pollicles, and they will be wary." She smiled fondly at Mistofelees and Mistoffolees, who were playing with an old chew-toy in the shape of a big, nasty rat. Then she shrugged. "Besides, if they don't learn, you have my permission to zap them."

Mistoffelees perked up. "Really? I can?"

"Sure! They're here to learn, after all. Learning Through Pain, that's this university's motto. Actually, that's the motto of all OFUs."

Macavity raised a paw. "Does that mean I can skin them alive?" He cast a proud look at his claws.

"Absolutely."

"An' I can make them walk the plank, aye?" asked Growltiger hopefully.

"Of course!" Miss Minnaloushe sighed. "Come on, we've talked about this. You are allowed to do anything it takes to get these people to learn. _Anything_. That includes excessive torture."

Bustopher Jones coughed, and the course coordinator turned to him with a sigh.

"If it's not much trouble," he said pompously. "I would really much like some assistance in getting my spoon back. Some strange girl named Roman de la Croix stole it from me. I found it very rude."

"We'll do it!" chorused Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer and grinned widely. "Stealing is, after all, what we do best."

The fat cat nodded approvingly. "Marvellous. And... make her suffer for it, will you?"

"Certainly, sir."

The two calicos saluted Bustopher and disappeared to look for the car in which Roman de la Croix slept. They could hear Rumpleteazer giggling long after they'd left.

"Anything else that someone needs to bring up?" asked miss Minnaloushe, looking around. "Are we all ready for tomorrow?"

"I think so," said Old Deuteronomy. He was sitting on a large pile of very thick books, looking down at them all. "All the required reading has turned up. Even all the books we wanted for The Naming class. I thought it would take a little longer, to be frank."

Miss Minnaloushe shrugged. "Well, the library service for the OFUs is always fast. We should thank Heaviside for that. What about the GrammarBootCamp?"

She looked at the only two people beside her that were members of the faculty, but not canons. These persons were dressed in black, but it didn't seem to be from aesthetic reasons. They were wearing black, because black didn't show off the blood stains.

"We're all right as rain, miss," said the oldest of the two.

"Right as a blizzard, even," added the younger, who was coincidentally the sister of the first.

Miss Minnaloushe nodded. "Very well. Then I believe it is time for us to get some rest. Us humans I mean," she said, smiling a little at the cats. "The rest of you, carry on."

She gave a little wave as the cats scampered off into the night. Some of them were going to practice for class tomorrow, she knew, but others would try out new dance steps, or go hunting, or... just be cats.

"Right then," she said to her two black-clad companions. "Let's sleep. Because tomorrow..." Miss Minnaloushe smirked, and it wasn't pleasant. "Tomorrow we'll get _nasty_."

* * *

**A/N:** Nice to have so many people enrolling, but the school is still open for more students. If you haven't done it already, information can be found in my profile.

**Answers to Reviews:**

**Mystitat:** I thought I had given you some description of miss Minnaloushe in the second chapter? I'll try my best to describe her a little bit more clearly. :)  
**Roman de la Croix:** My writing's addictive:) It's a good thing then, that I get addicted to writing. A perfect match! Works out for everyone, except possibly my grades. Ahem. Moving along.  
**Eponine:** I'm sorry, but I can't allow enrollments in my reviews. Have you noticed the pet troll I've gotten for this story? If it saw that I had people enrolling in reviews, it could toss me out on my behind. Which wouldn't be very nice, no. Although, if your mum's forbidding you to have an e-mail, I have a suggestion for you. I'm also at LiveJournal Dot Com, where my username is also ekwy. Go there, and leave me your enrollment form in an anonymous comment, and I'll get you into OFUC. See? I can be nice! .:grins:. It's nice to have a fan.  
**DemiGold:** I should have answered to your review in the second chapter, but I posted that one early because I was so pissed off with Rat, and wanted to get my response out as soon as possible. So I didn't write any review-answers.  
Yeah, I saw that Wicked has an OFU as well. I'm slightly familiar with that fandom, although I've never seen the show live. It's on my Favourites Page though. :)  
Your buddy said that? Thanks! .:scribbles notes:. I think I can make a decent seminar out of this... And your latest review gave me an idea. Heeeh.  
**chemnerd:** OMGgreatmindsthinkalike! .:grins:.

Come on, review! You know you want to. All the cool kids are doing it!


	4. Names and Magazines

**Four: Names and Magazines**

Joanna arrived at 'The Naming of Cats' class at exactly 7.24 am the following morning. She was late, having slept through the sound of the alarm clock and refused to wake up even when Misty had pulled her hair. Finally the fake Jellicle had given up and went to class, leaving Joanna to her fate.

It had also taken her quite some time to find the right area. The OFUC junkyard was basically a whole bunch of glades among the trash, connected by a complicated network of alleys. Joanna was pretty certain that the alleys changed from time to time, just to make things even harder for the fic-readers.

Old Deuteronomy, who was today's teacher for 'Naming,' looked up disapprovingly when she stumbled into his area and sank down on a bucket turned upside-down to catch her breath. One of his mini-Pollicles, Dueteronomy, was growling softly.

"Bad form, miss... Swanson," said the old cat after a quick look in his papers. "Detention the first day. Report to the Rumpus Cat after classes are over. T-t-t..." He shook his head.

Joanna mumbled an apology and tried to hide her blushing cheeks. Detention before the class had even began! What a nightmare...

Old Deuteronomy cleared his throat. "Well," he said. "Today we're going to discuss my name. That's D-E-U-T-E-R-O-N-O-M-Y, nothing else. Anyone knows where it comes from?"

He looked around hopefully. Nervously, Allison raised her hand.

"Yes, miss..." He shuffled through his papers again. "Allison?"

"Eh... Isn't that like some guy in the Bible or something?"

Old Deuteronomy beamed at her. "So it is! 'Deuteronomy' is the name of the fifth book in the Hebrew Bible. The Hebrew name is 'Devarim,' which means 'words.' The Latin name, however, means 'The Second Law.' Can you guess now, why I was named this by the honourable T.S. Eliot?" When no one answered, he continued: "I am the second law. I answer to the Everlasting Cat, and no one else. The Deuteronomy tells us about Moses and the stone tablets. _Now_ can you guess?"

The fic-writers blinked. Old Deuteronomy sighed deeply.

"Moses... receiving the Law from the Hebrew, and later Christian, God? And then _me_..." He put both his paws on his furry chest, and spoke very slowly, as if he was talking to a child. "Receiving the law from the Everlasting Cat? My, you _are_ thicker than I thought you'd be!"

"We're not thick," muttered Chelsea and huffed. "But if you haven't noticed, it's seven thirty in the morning. We're not even _awake_ yet!"

Old Deuteronomy gave her a tired look. "And you think I'm not tired? I usually sleep for 17 hours a day. That is a lot of sleep for me to miss, you know. At least you humans are used to being exhausted all the time, but does anyone think of the faculty? No, of course not. Now, open your books to page 187, and read the Deuteronomy. I want an essay about what things it takes up about 'obeying the rules' and how BAD things happen to those who think they know better. The essay's due to tomorrow, so you'd better do a good job." The old cat smirked slightly, showing surprisingly sharp teeth. "Isn't it just ironic how the rules of the Catholic Church are also called canon?" he asked conversationally. "Obey canon, or be smote. As easy as that. Now read."

He sat down on top of the dirty rests of a dresser that served as a desk and stretched out.

"Dueteronomy," he told the mini-Pollicle. "Keep an eye on them while I get some rest, will you? Teaching really exhausts me."

"Baff!" said Dueteronomy, his tongue hanging out of his mouth. It looked a little like he was grinning.

Joanna picked up a copy of one of the many books she had gotten as required reading for the 'Naming' class. It seemed as if every character ever mentioned in Cats had a personal book that they had to read to be able to fully understand their names and the meaning behind them. On the list, she had seen both the Bible and Goethe's _Faust_, along with a fair few thick volumes about Greek mythology and history. All these had a name buried in them?

Who would have known that T.S. Eliot had thought this through so much? Joanna thought about her Kateryn Moonbeam Starsong and blushed slightly. She had chosen that name because she had thought it sounded pretty, not because it had a meaning. Suddenly the lines "But I tell you a cat needs a name that's particular, a name most peculiar and more dignified" started to make more sense to her.

She turned the pages over to Deuteronomy, and began to read, while Dueteronomy's ever-watchful eyes kept the class calm. No one even thought about talking. It really just wasn't worth it.

-

After the class had ended, Joanna got a note from Old Deuteronomy, explaining that she would be doing her detention at the mini-Pollicle pen with the Rumpus Cat.

"Tough luck," said Misty once she'd been told. "But it could be worse. I heard about this girl who dared to glomp Mistoffelees even after having been told what would happened if she did."

"Really?" asked Joanna curiously. "What happened to her?"

They were walking along an alley on their way to the next class. That is, they hoped they were. The junkyard wasn't a place to trust.

Misty shivered. "Well, after Misto had zapped her and his minis had broken every bone in her body, she got sent to the infirmary. Jennyanydots gave her Aspirin."

"That doesn't sound too bad..." mumbled Joanna. "I think she got the better deal, honestly."

"The student in question was a Jellicle. Did you know that Aspirin is lethal to cats?"

Joanna stopped in her tracks, staring at her friend. "You mean she _died_?"

Misty nodded. "Yeah. She got resurrected though. Mistoffelees and the Twins got her on her feet again, I'm not really sure how. I heard miss Minnaloushe talking about it, saying that it had something to do with the Everlasting Cat or some such nonsense." She shrugged. "I think she'll be okay, though. She'll hurt like hell for a few days, but she'll recover. And she's learned not to glomp Mistoffelees again."

"Oh. Good for her, I guess."

They kept going. In the faint distance they could hear the screaming of some poor student getting used as a chew-toy for the mini-Pollicles. They shivered simultaneously and decided to hurry up a bit.

After a moment they got to the right place, where the rest of the people in their class stood, waiting for the teachers to arrive. The class was 'Jellicle Relations,' and it was being taught by Etcetera, Jemima and Electra.

"I wonder what that is, 'Jellicle Relations,'" said Airmid Star, trying to strike up a conversation. "It has to be something fairly simple, considering that they have kittens teaching it."

"I hope it's simple," muttered Ralli. "That Old Deuteronomy is a tough teacher! Who would have known that he would be so _evil_? He seemed to be such a nice guy in the musical..."

"I always knew he was evil," said Chimalmaht and nodded wisely. "Scary, at least."

"Not as scary as Macavity!" piped up Loz, also known as Lozzypop. "I saw him this morning. He was... looking at me oddly. Do you think he knows I'm scared of him?" She looked around nervously, as if expecting the Mystery Cat to jump out at any given moment.

"'Course he does," said a red Jellicle queen that Joanna didn't recognize. "My little Maccy knows everything."

There was an awkward pause while the rest of the students tried to imagine what Macavity would do to someone who called him "Maccy." It probably wasn't very nice, and it probably would have lasted a long time.

"Hullo!" said a sudden, chipper voice that they all knew belonged to Etcetera.

The tortoise-shell kitten had showed up behind them so quietly that they hadn't even noticed. She was grinning excitedly and bounced up and down as she spoke.

> "You're my students!" she said. "Good! Good good good! Come in, come in, don't just stand there!"

She ushered them into her class area. It looked basically like the last one they had been in, but on every single one of the assorted over-dimensioned bedside tables that served as desks for the students, there lay a copy of a very thin magazine of some sort. It was shiny and glossy, with colourful pictures of Jellicles on the front. In bright yellow letters, Joanna could read:

_THE JUNKYARD LANTERN_

And, in smaller lettering: _Who Is Dating Who, Exactly? Read all about it! EXTRA EXTRA! Tugger seen with Mysterious And Beautiful Kitten - Has He Found The Love of his Life?_

Joanna blinked a few times. Whoever had written this magazine was either delusional or simply insane. And they didn't have a very good grasp on when to use capital letters either.

Etcetera bounced some more. "You like it?" she asked.

"Er," said Misty hesitantly as she flicked through the magazine. "Sure?"

"Eeehh! I knew you would!" squealed the kitten and clapped her paws together. "I wrote it! All by myself! It's going to be your required reading!"

Joanna looked at the magazine again. It didn't look like it was thicker than ten pages, and it was mostly pictures. Very blurry pictures.

"Exactly what are we supposed to learn from this?" she asked out loud.

Etcetera looked a little hurt, which actually made her calm down just a tad. "This class is for those of you who aren't sure on how the Jellicles relate to each other. Of course, we don't know much about who's dating who from canon, so most of these things are just fanon assumptions that seem to fit."

"Like Munkustrap being Old Deuteronomy's son?" suggested Ralli.

"Yeah!" grinned Etcetera. "Exactly like that! And Demeter and Bombalurina being sisters, and Demeter and Munkustrap being mates... All those things. That's what you'll learn in this class. I thought..." She paused, and then continued slowly. "I thought that the magazine was a good idea... I tried to take pictures, but they wouldn't come out okay. And I'm not a very good speller." She sighed, a little sadly. "I guess that I have to think of something else." Her eyes seemed to fill with tears, but she blinked them away. "Yeah, something else."

Joanna's heart melted. "Hey, we can help you with that!" she exclaimed before she had the time to stop herself. "I mean... Most of us have opposable thumbs, so we know how to handle a camera." She looked around at her classmates, who looked a bit intrigued by the idea. "And we can write, and... We can help!"

Etcetera looked at her, her eyes wide. "Really? You'd do that?"

Joanna pinched Misty hard in the leg. The fake Jellicle gave a squeal and threw her a nasty look, but she turned to Etcetera with a smile anyway.

"Sure we could!" she said, slightly less enthused. "It would be, like, a project or something. Like a school paper."

"A school paper?" Etcetera's eyes started to glitter, and she seemed about to bounce again.

Her enthusiasm spread to the rest of the class, and soon everybody were on their feet, convincing the kitten that they would do anything within their power to make _The Junkyard Lantern_ a real hit.

"Awesome! Hey Electra, Jemima, did you hear that?"

Two other kittens poked their heads up from behind a dumpster. Huge grins were plastered on their faces.

"We heard," announced Jemima. "Can we play too?"

"Everyone can play!" exclaimed Etcetera generously. "As long as you write something, we'll print it!"

Joanna smiled a little. It was hard not to get pulled into the giant ball of energy that was Etcetera. The kitten had a certain childish joy about everything she did that made it impossible not to like her.

Maybe OFUC wasn't so bad. Maybe it could even be fun.

'That is, if I stay away from the mini-Pollicles, Macavity, miss Minnaloushe and Old Deuteronomy,' she reasoned to herself. 'Then it can be fun. I just hope I pass.'

And then she went to work.

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**DemiGold:** PPC Agents? Being cruel? Nah, how can you think that? .:smirks:. And thanks for Jemimma!  
**Jemima-luvah:** Got your enrollment, dearie, and you're in!  
**Eponine:** Got your enrollment too, and you're also in. :)  
**Puredeadthingy:** Ah yes, I do update fast. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep it that way, what with me having two tests coming up next week. Ack, if only one of them could be in English! .:laments:. **Mystitat:** Guess who the Jellicle who got Aspirin was. ;) No hard feelings, I hope...  
**Ralli-Rah:** Yes, I know about the whole Slash-issue... Perhaps I named that class a little badly. After all, miss Minnaloushe is not about to BAN Cats Slash. _That_ she has no right to. She only wants the slashees to be written about in a plausiable manner. So yes, I'll re-name that class, I think. :)  
**lozzypop:** Of course Griddlebone is around too! Don't be silly. :) She'll show up some time, just be patient.

Review, because then I'll love you eternally!


	5. Detention

**A/N:** Attention all!

I'm taking a break off this story for a while. I have to figure out some things, like what I want to do with it, perhaps make some alterations. It has to haev a real plot too, not only chapter after chapter with absolutely nothing. No worries, I'm not abandoning it or anything. I just have to think about it more. So this is the last chapter for a while. Hope you don't hate me.

Thanks to DemiGold, who without knowing it inspired the idea of the DVD Fundamentalists. :D

**Five: Detention**

"Etcetera?"

The kitten looked up from her piece of paper, which she was doodling on with a crayon. The crayon was held firmly between her paws, and she had been completely concentrated on this task up until now. She smiled a little.

"Hello, miss Minnaloushe," she said, turning back to her drawing. "What's up?"

The course coordinator sat down next to Etcetera and tried to see what she was drawing. After some consideration, she noticed that it was a very crude picture of the Rum Tum Tugger, Etcetera's eternal tom of affection.

"I heard from a few students that you have decided to start a school paper," said miss Minnaloushe matter-of-factly.

Etcetera grinned proudly. "Yes! They were very nice about it. They offered me help. But I still get to decide, because it was my idea."

"Aha. I only hope that they don't do this just to get close to the canons. You should be careful when it comes to... who gets to interview the toms. We might get another stampede on our hands. Or paws."

"Don't worry, miss," said Etcetera calmly. "I'll tell them that Electra, Jemima and I get to do all the interviews, and then we'll tell them what to write."

Miss Minnaloushe nodded thoughtfully. "Yes. Well, I think it is a good idea. It'll give them something to do, and we might see some improvement in their writing. For one, they'll learn soon enough to spell your names correctly." She stood up. "Very well, you can have your little magazine." She smiled a little. "_The Junkyard Lantern_... How quaint."

She left the kitten to her drawing and walked around the OFUC junkyard for a bit, in search of something to do. She decided to go to the mini-Pollicle pen and see how the Rumpus Cat was faring. The super hero didn't have any classes until it would be his turn to lecture at the 'Jellicle Legends' course, which wouldn't be starting until the next term. Therefore he was rather pleased with being outside and care for the minis.

No one could keep track of Pollicles like the Rumpus Cat, after all.

In the enclosed pasture over at Generic Class Area #12, where grass actually grew over the asphalt and trees had replaced the streetlamps, mini-Pollicles frolicked. They chased each other, some played with chew-toys, and others were... playing with students.

Miss Minnaloushe squinted. Ah, yes. Miss Joanna Swanson.

The fic-writer was currently in detention, which meant that she was sentenced to amuse the minis. Amusing minis of course meant: "run around like crazy and try not to get eaten."

Outside the pen, leaning against the wooden fence, stood the Rum Tum Tugger, Mungojerrie, Rumpleteazer and Macavity. They were all laughing their heads off.

"That's right!" bellowed Tugger gleefully at the screaming writer. "Run around in circles! That'll confuse them!"

"No, just stand still!" shouted Rumpleteazer. "Then they won't see you, because you're not moving!"

"Even better, attack is the best defence!" yelled Macavity. "Jump on them, and they'll be so surprised that they don't know what to do!"

Miss Minnaloushe went over to them. "Why I never. Are you just standing here mocking the poor writer? Such bad form."

"Ah, but it's so very amusin', miss Minnaloushe," said Mungojerrie, grinning madly. He cheered as Carbuketty and Syllabub attacked Joanna and pinned her to the ground.

"'S right, miss," nodded Rumpleteazer. "Some bad form's necessary."

Miss Minnaloushe regarded the fallen writer and shrugged. "Very well then. Carry on. Just don't let Heavyside sit on her; he might just break her spinal cord or some such. Mistoffelees and the Twins are tired after having to perform a revival ritual earlier today, and I don't think they can do it again until they've had some rest."

"Gotcha," said Mungojerrie.

The course coordinator was just on her way from the mini-Pollicle pen when she thought of something.

"Oh yes, how did it go with retrieving Bustopher's spoon from that Roman girl?"

The calicos smirked.

"It went jus' fine," said Rumpleteazer. "We got help from Mistoffelees. He said he had a spell that could... make things easier."

"Oh?" Miss Minnaloushe was intrigued.

"Yes," said Mungojerrie. "We found out that Roman de la Croix writes basically nothing but R-rated fics. So we did a little research, and BAM!" He grinned in satisfaction. "She's under the PG Curse."

"The PG Curse?" repeated miss Minnaloushe. "I do not believe I've heard of that one before."

The calico queen cleared her throat. "We read her Enrolment Form. It seems our spoon-stealing friend is afraid of ratings below PG. With a little bit of assistance from Mistoffelees, we managed to tap into Roman's brain, shutting down some things and putting up a magical barrier that only lets the cute and fluffy things through. She can't swear anymore, she can't write slash anymore and she keeps seeing fluffy kittens and rainbows and sunshine and smiling people everywhere she goes."

"And not only did we get the spoon back, we also stole her top hat," added Mungojerrie.

"A fiendish plan," said Macavity and nodded proudly. "Just like I like my minions."

"Serves her right, too," said Tugger. "She kept pulling my tail."

"Sounds... interesting," admitted miss Minnaloushe. "But are you sure it's working?"

"AAAAEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!"

The scream cut through the calmness of the junkyard. It was a scream of terror, pure unbridled terror.

"It works, all right!" chuckled Mungojerrie.

-

Joanna also heard the scream, but she was getting used to that now. Screaming was frequent at OFUC, if not in pain or terror, then in ecstasy when a Lust Object walked by. Besides, Joanna was facing horrors of her own, right now.

When Carbuketty and Syllabub had gotten bored with her (which took a few hours, since mini-Pollicles are simple-minded creatures) Joanna had stumbled off to the TSE 4 for some rest. She felt like she deserved it. However, when she got to the car she noticed that someone had pasted huge yellow posters over the windows of the car that blared out:

_Sick And Tired Of The Stuck-Up Students That Thinks They Are So Good Just Because They've Seen The Show On Stage?  
Join the DVD Fundamentalists today, to put them in their place!_

Who Needs Growltiger Anyway?

Joanna stood and blinked at the poster for a while. She then caught sight of the protagonist, a brown cat with a white tip on her tail, who stood sticking another poster to the car opposite to the TSE 4.

"Hey!" Joanna cried out. "What are you doing?"

The cat jumped and turned around. "I'm spreading the message!" she proclaimed proudly. "Those Show Goers will no longer put us down! We'll show them!"

"Show them what, exactly?" asked Joanna carefully.

She was way too tired for this.

"That we won't stand for it anymore!" exclaimed the cat and rolled her eyes, as if this was obvious. "We will not be belittled for not having seen the show! We will not be taken for idiots because we have never seen Growltiger and Griddlebone on stage together! We will not-"

"That's all good and well," said Joanna and yawned. "But do you think you can possibly stop with sticking those posters over the doors of our car? It's impossible to open the door."

The cat pouted. "Fine. If you want to sit back and let the Show Goers take over the fandom, then so be it!"

She snorted and left, dragging a large bag with more posters behind her. Joanna shrugged and ripped down the poster. The door opened right away, and she could finally throw herself down on the backseat.

"Hullo," said Misty cheerfully. She was sprawled over her side of the seat with her copy of _Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats_ on her lap. "Have you done your essay for Old Deuteronomy yet?"

It Joanna a second or two to realise what her friend had just said. "Aw, crud," she groaned. "I've been chewed on, sat on, thrown around and chased all afternoon. You think Old D will accept that excuse?"

Misty gave her a look. "You are aware that this is Old Deuteronomy, right?" she asked carefully. "Mr. I've-Got-A-Stick-Up-My-Bum-A-Mile-Long?"

"You're right," grumbled Joanna and slowly managed to get up in a sitting position. "He'll probably frown on that. And I do NOT want to get detention again."

"That bad, huh?"

"Four Jellicles were standing outside the pen, laughing at me. Yeah, it was exactly that bad."

"You poor thing. But you got to see the Rumpus Cat, anyway! What was he like?"

Joanna shrugged. "Not very talkative," she admitted. "Probably due to the fact that he doesn't say a word in the musical. He showed me around at first. I don't know why, he probably just wanted to brag about his bloody mini-Pollicles. Which then had a jolly good time trying to bite my legs off."

Misty sighed. "I have to get detention with him some day. He's so cute!"

Joanna looked at her oddly. "I thought you fancied Tugger?"

"I do. But a girl can fangirl more than one tom, can't she? And Rumpus Cat is just so adorable!"

"You wouldn't think that if you had to spend four hours in that mini-Pollicle pen while he was off doing Everlasting Cat-knows-what. He scares the hell out of me, to be honest. Hey, have YOU written Old Deuteronomy's essay?"

Misty held up a piece of paper. "Five hundred words!" She looked proud. "That was all I could think of."

"Can I see it?"

"Fine. But if you copy it, I'm telling Old D."

Joanna shivered. "I promise I won't. I just need some inspiration."

She checked out the essay. After having read it, she said: "You spelled 'prerogative' wrong. It's supposed to have another R after the P."

Misty paled. "Really? Give it here, I have to change that!" She snatched the paper back and began scribbling furiously. "There. Much better. And now, I bid you a good night, because I'm exhausted."

"Night," mumbled Joanna while starting to write her own essay.

It took her three hours to complete it, but she thought she'd done a decent job. Although she'd probably hate it in the morning and spot errors in it before she had to turn it in, just like she always did at school back home. Carefully placing the essay in the front seat together with her schedule, Joanna drifted off into sleep. Mmm, sleep...

* * *

**A/N:** Roman, I am SO sorry. Really, I am. But it was too much fun to pass up on. :P

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Ralli-Rah:** Nah, I can take critizism. You're right, I absolutely should have specified that this is based on the video and UK version. It's one of the reasons why I take a break from the story. Some things should have been included in the beginning. And don't worry, I won't take my vengeance on your student. I'm not that horrible. Often. .:cough:.  
**Mystitat:** Yeah, sorry about that... But I don't have that lot of Jellicle students (surprisingly enough, really) and it had to be a Jellicle to die from Aspirin. It IS lethal to cats.  
**Jemima-luvah:** Macvity! Tumpus Cat! Cute! Thank oo! Well, I _was_ thinking of you when I wrote the Maccy line, so yeah. It is you. :)  
**Chimalmaht:** Yeah, they'll both be printed. That is, if they have correct grammar, spelling, characterization, and miss Minnaloushe approves of them. Otherwise they'll be used as litter for the mini-Pollicles.

You are welcome to report more minis, should you find any. Oh, and enrollments are now closed. On my profile page, you can instead find the poem from which I got miss Minnaloushe's name, because I know that SO many people are interested.

Until next time,  
Ekwy


	6. Groups and Jellice

**A/N:** Hear ye, hear ye, Ekwy is re-opening enrollment. Of course, just as I had closed it, a gazillion people reviewed and said, basically, "Oh bother, I had wanted to enroll, and now I can't." So I'm re-opening it, because I can. Details at the end of the chapter, because I can't be bothered to change my profile.

Oh, and about Pouncival calling Macavity the Tailed Godfather... That comes from the Swedish translation of the songs from CATS that I found the other day. Instead of our favourite Evil Dude being the Napoleon of Crime, he is now "Gudfadern med svans" or "The Godfather with tail." Whoever told you reading fanfiction wasn't educational?

**Six: Groups and Jellice**

Joanna was fortunately not the only one who had gotten detention the first day and been forced to skip Old Deuteronomy's essay. Mystitat, a black Jellicle with brown points, wasn't excused even though she had been technically dead by the time the homework had been given out, and was sentenced to detention with the Rumpus Cat.

They spent the lesson reading the chapters about Electra (the next guest-speaker for the 'Naming' course) while Old Deuteronomy read through the essays. At the end of the class they got them back, and Joanna could relax. She had managed a B, but there was a strange note at the bottom reading: "GrammarBootCamp required." She groaned. Whatever GrammarBootCamp meant, it didn't sound much fun.

Ah well. From the sounds of her classmates, she wouldn't be alone there anyway. So maybe she'd manage.

They had the second period free, giving them time for eventual student clubs. The school hadn't been in session for two days, and already the students had started forming small guilds. Miss Minnaloushe had apparently predicted this, and had, out of the goodness of her heart, obviously, given them some time every week to have meetings.

Of course, the clubs hadn't exactly had meetings as of yet, since they were still in the middle of recruiting new members. Which meant that they had gathered around the TSE 1 and tried to figure out who could scream the loudest to attract most people.

The two largest groups were without a doubt the DVD Fundamentalists and the Show Goers. However, the two had split into many different clubs, mostly focusing on one single character. Munkustrap, Mungojerrie, the Rum Tum Tugger and of course Mistoffelees had already gotten their respective fanclub.

The responses of the canon characters had been slightly different. Tugger had simply smirked and replied: "Yeah, what else is new?"

Mistoffelees had paled a whole lot and received a pat on the head by Mistoflees.

Mungojerrie had simply shrugged and gone off with Rumpleteazer to Everlasting Cat-knows-where.

Munkustrap had choked on a piece of rat and been unable to speak until Jennyanydots had performed the Heimlich manoeuvre on him. After that he had mumbled something about "having very important business to attend to" and left, Demeter in tow.

Joanna had eagerly joined the Mistoffelees fangirls (or as they had dubbed themselves: The Misto Squad) in the hope of thinking up a plan to steal the heart of the magical cat. So far though, not much had happened.

"Sure, Mungojerrie might be a nice enough guy, and the Rum Tum Tugger might be hot as the asphalt on a warm summer's day!" howled Loz from her place on top of a garbage can. "But if you need someone to keep you safe at night, then Munkustrap is the only tom for you! Join the Munks today!"

"We really have to think of a better name for us," muttered Chimalmaht. "Munks just doesn't... sound right."

Joanna shook her head as the two Munkustrap fangirls started to quarrel, and decided to listen to something else. The leader of the Misto Squad, Airmid Star, had made her way up and was now standing on top of the TSE 1.

"Friends, Jellicles, fellow fangirls!" she called out. "You know that there is only one tom that can truly set you on fire! Only one tom has the power to make you see stars! And that tom is..."

She didn't get the chance to finish her statement, for something grey had whined through the air. For a moment, shining metal gleamed in the early morning sun, and Airmid Star squeaked in pain and fell down from the car.

All motion stopped. The fangirls ceased screaming out the names of their respective Lust Objects as if they were selling cattle on a market, and all eyes turned to miss Minnaloushe, who was suddenly standing right in the middle of the open junkyard. She seemed eerily calm about everything, and she was holding more of the sharp, grey objects in her hand. Her wings cast unnaturally dark shadows on the ground.

"There will be no climbing on the TSE 1," she said slowly. "Is that all clear?"

There was silence.

"I said," continued the course coordinator, "is that CLEAR?"

"Yes'm," mumbled the fic-writers nervously.

"Good." 

Miss Minnaloushe walked over to the fallen Airmid Star. The writer hadn't moved since the sharp thing had hit her. Miss Minnaloushe bent down. There was a scraping sound of metal against bones, and when the course coordinator stood up again, she was holding the thing that had earlier been protruding from poor Airmid Star's shoulder.

The shape of it was slightly familiar, thought Joanna, and she squinted. Her eyes widened when she suddenly saw what it was.

"A feather," mumbled Eponine, echoing Joanna's thoughts.

It was, indeed, a feather. It wasn't very soft or nice-looking, in fact, it seemed to be some sort of a weapon. Miss Minnaloushe calmly polished it free of blood with the sleeve of her shirt until it gleamed, again as grey as a stormclouded sky. Then she carefully looked over it, as if to make sure that it hadn't been dented in any way. When she was certain, she put it back into her left wing where she had clearly taken it, and where it also grew back, as if nothing had happened.

"No climbing on the TSE 1," she repeated, and then she turned away. "Take the girl to see Jennyanydots. I do believe she won't wake up for a little while yet. Alas, my feathers do seem to have that effect on you people." She sighed. "Ah well. Carry on."

She left, the fic-writers still staring at her in shock.

"Err..." said Kaylyn after a while. "Yes. Eh. Let's, let's take Airmid to the infirmary, shall we?"

"I must say, that was a very impressive throw," said Old Deuteronomy kindly as miss Minnaloushe returned to the faculty area, a small glade behind the official junkyard.

The Jellicles sitting in the area, talking and gossiping about the students, acknowledge her presence with polite nods before returning to their respective meals. Somehow, no one knew exactly how or why, the faculty area was always equipped with a large supply of food.

"Thank you," muttered miss Minnaloushe and made her way over to the coffee machine, which amazingly enough still made coffee, despite the fact that it was clearly discarded by humans. "I just had to let off some steam."

"Understandable." The old cat nodded, and then he cleared his throat. "Would I be out of line if I asked exactly what that was for?"

Miss Minnaloushe picked up her mug of coffee (she always drank it black) and gave him a confused look. "What do you mean?"

"The student in question wasn't, ah, what's the word..?"

"Glomping?" she offered.

"Yes, exactly. She wasn't glomping any of the canons. Are you feeling alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be feeling alright?" Miss Minnaloushe gulped down her coffee, not caring that it was so hot that it burned her tongue. She really, really needed the caffeine.

"You're awfully... violent." Old Deuteronomy coughed a bit.

"For your information, sir, the TSE 1 is technically a canon character," said the course coordinator calmly. "She is on stage more than any of you. I'm... protecting my university, nothing else."

"And you're doing a nice job, I might add."

Miss Minnaloushe quirked a smile. "You're too kind. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee, perhaps?"

Old Deuteronomy shook his head. "No thank you, dear. It's bad for my stomach. You don't happen to have any caviar, by any chance?"

"Actually, I think we have a can of it somewhere around here..."

The pair had sat down and were chatting about work in general when the Rumpus Cat came in. He was followed by a small group of mini-Pollicles that miss Minnaloushe hadn't seen before. The talking in the faculty area ceased as the Jellicles looked at the recently arrived.

"New arrivals?" the course coordinator asked and nodded towards them.

The Rumpus Cat nodded. He never spoke much, the good Rumpus Cat, and most often let Pouncival, his great admirer, take care of the talking for him. The young tom now showed up, grinning widely and waving at miss Minnaloushe and Old Deuteronomy.

"Hullo," he said cheerfully. "We have company!"

"We can see that," said Old Deuteronomy and smiled. "So, who are these little fellows?"

"Well," said Pouncival, turning to the whole faculty as he spoke. "This here is Mistofellees." He nodded his head at a black mini with a white chest. Blue sparks were shooting out of its paws, as if it was trying to make lightning but wasn't really sure of how to do it yet.

"Cool," said Mistoffelees and waved for Mistofellees to come over and join his other minis. "That means I have five now. More than anyone else, I might add."

"Show-off," muttered Macavity.

"No worries, oh Tailed Godfather," said Pouncival. "You've got one too! Meet Macvity."

This mini-Pollicle was ginger in colour. His eyes were sunken in, and his fur was longer than that of the rest of his kin. Macavity perked up.

"Macvity?" he repeated. "Splendid! Come over here, you little rascal you."

"Vaff," said Macvity and strutted over to sit by his namesake. He sank down by Macavity's feet and started glaring evilly at Dueteronomy and Mistoffelees' minis.

"Next we have... Jellyolourm," said Pouncival, rather pleased with being the centre of attention. "Lots of vowels there. Very hard to pronounce."

Jellyolourm didn't need Jellylorum to call on her. She gave a small yelp and walked over to the old queen, wagging her tail.

More minis were introduced, such as Etcetrca ("Yay, now I have two minis!") and Grisabella ("Now I don't have to be so lonely!"), but nothing very interesting happened until Pouncival dragged in what appeared to be a large cat statue made out of pink Jell-O.

Electra walked up to it and sniffed it curiously. She gave it a lick. "Hm. Strawberry," she said, wrinkling her nose. "What is it?"

"Jellice," said Pouncival proudly. "It showed up with the latest batch of minis. Maybe it could come in handy."

"And how, exactly, can a huge, pink, frozen dessert come in handy?" asked Munkustrap with a small sigh.

"We could... throw it at the students," suggested Victoria.

"And what would that accomplish?"

"I don't know, I'm just a kitten!"

"People, people," said the Rum Tum Tugger, suppressing a smirk as Etcetera (plus her minis) sighed adoringly at the sound of his voice. "Now, let's not start arguing about this... Jellice thing. I'm sure that we can figure something out." His eyes fell on Coricopat and Tantomile, who were not listening much as they were busy circling around the newly arrived Tantomille and deciding whether or not they should welcome her. "Twins!"

They looked up. "What?" they asked simultaneously.

"You can think of something to do with Jellice, can't you?" said Tugger.

"Certainly," nodded Coricopat.

"Our pleasure," agreed Tantomile.

"Rawr!" barked Tantomille.

Miss Minnaloushe sighed. Sometimes, when she really thought about her life, it made very little sense.

* * *

**Enrollment Form for OFUC**

Name (or preferred handle, whichever you please):  
Age:  
Gender:  
Species: Human/Jellicle/Pollicle  
Lust Object: Munkustrap/Macavity/The Rum Tum Tugger/ Mistoffelees/Other (please specify)  
Favourite character:  
Least favourite character:  
Why?  
Favourite song?  
Favourite pairing: Munkustrap/Demeter, Rum Tum Tugger/Bombalurina, Macavity/Griddlebone, Mistoffelees/Victoria, Anyone/OC, Other (please specify)  
I have written a CATS Mary Sue? Yes/No  
I have written CATS slash? Yes/No  
I have seen the show live: Yes/No  
If yes, how many times? 1/2-5/more than five times  
I have seen the video/DVD: Yes/No  
If yes, how many times? 1/2-5/5-10/10-20/too many times to count  
I own the soundtrack: Yes/No  
I have a fear of (circle all that apply): Macavity/Miss Minnaloushe/The Twins/Cassandra/Mini-Pollicles/Other (please specify)

If I met Bustopher Jones on the street, I would: because:  
Caviar, Strausburg Pie, potted grouse or salmon paste?   
The Awful battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles or Growltiger's Last Stand?  
Are you familiar with candle, book and/or bell?

**I agree to everything (even the small print that I couldn't read) and admit that any strayings from the Rules are entirely my fault and a result of my own lack of judgement.**

Signature:

_**Enrolling in a review will result in getting electrocuted by Mistoffelees.**_ Your form SHALL be sent to josefin at ingenting dot se, or there WILL be consequences. Savvy?

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**NixNox:** Oh no, you're not the only fanboy. I have two males enrolled at OFUC, actually. You are in a minority, I'm afraid, but you're not alone in it. :)  
**BlueRoseDragon:** No, you don't have to have published fic to join. I don't really look at my students' written work anyway. Except for Roman's. But that's because she's special. .:nods:.  
**Ralli-Rah:** Really? Me? A goddess? Well then, BOW TO ME, PUNY MORTALS!  
**Jemima-luvah:** At the moment I have... 24 minis. Plus the Jellice. It is scary how they multiply. Oh, and it's spelled "Carbucketty." :)  



	7. Maritza Chin Smaragde

**A/N:** I'm terribly sorry for not including a small thank you to Mystitat for coming up with Jellice. Yes, it was her idea, I read about it on her website. Gotoherwebsiteitisveryfunny. :)

**Seven: Maritza Chin Smaragde**

Soon enough, Joanna found something resembling a routine at OFUC. It wasn't hard. As long as she didn't over-think things, as for example the fact that she was actually on the Jellicle junkyard with a bunch of fictional cats, she just had to keep in mind that she was also in a school. A school with a lot of extremely hot teachers, but still a school.

She found herself settling in rather nicely. After all, how many could say that they had actually talked to the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees in real life? (All right, so she hadn't exactly TALKED to him. She had squealed and thrown herself at him, but it was the same, basic principle.)

Over the following days, Joanna tried to concentrate on her schoolwork. She had never realised how difficult it could be to write fanfiction. On the other hand, she had never really cared much about her fics, just writing what came to her. Now she was forced to think more.

It was because of her hard work that she barely noticed that the first two weeks of term went flying by. It was by that time when something happened, something that would change the otherwise not-so-monotonous life at OFUC.

It was a Thursday when they first saw her. They were walking together, a whole bunch of students in a surprisingly good mood, on their way to Being the Villain I Am _Not_ Misunderstood, the close study of Macavity, when suddenly an extremely beautiful Jellicle queen stood before them.

Richard, who was walking arm in arm with Kara Sakuya at the front, was the first one to notice her, and he stopped abruptly. This of course caused some commotion as the people walking behind them crashed into the pair, thus started to curse repeatedly. They however stopped right away as they saw her.

She was... well, gorgeous. Her fur seemed to shimmer in silver, a result of the black tip of each white hair in her long coat. Her eyes were huge and emerald green, and she looked at them with a mix of confusion and contempt. 

"This is the Jellicle junkyard, right?" she asked, and her voice was as clear as silver bells, as melodic as the song of nightingales, each syllable beautifully pronounced and a delight to listen to.

"Yes..." said Tabis the Tabby slowly, frowning. "Err... Who are you?"

The strange queen struck a pose, as if a hidden camera was filming her as she spoke. "I am Maritza Chin Smaragde," she proclaimed. "I am the long-lost daughter of Old Deuteronomy, and I have returned to the Jellicle junkyard after many years of being separated from my family. I am in search of my true identity, and my true love!"

There was a pause. Someone giggled slightly. Another paled, and someone else simply looked extremely confused.

"We should go and get miss Minnaloushe," mumbled Zazzie as the pause had ended, her tail twitching slightly. "She'd... sort it out."

"Good idea," agreed Kara, and grabbed Richard. The two turned around and hurried away in search of the course coordinator.

"Eh," said Tabis, turning to Maritza Chin Smaragde once more. "So. Old Deuteronomy's long-lost daughter, you say?" 

"Yeah," sighed the queen dramatically. "It was so tragic. I was abandoned as a small kitten by my mother, Grizabella. However, a kind old queen took care of me, and I loved her like the mother I never had." A tear trickled down her cheek, and she sobbed a little. "She died just a few months ago, and so I came here to..." 

"Yes, you said. To find your true identity." Tabis looked at her companions. "What in Heaviside are we going to do with her?" 

They didn't need to worry much, however. Maritza Chin Smaragde was quite capable of keeping herself busy. Once she had opened her mouth, there was no stopping her from talking. 

"I am a Chinchilla Persian," she said snobbishly. "We're a very luxurious breed of cats. We're also called Silver Persians, because of our gorgeous fur. Don't you think it's pretty?" She didn't wait for an answer. "I think it's very pretty. But I'm not saying that just to make myself sound important, oh no, you will find me to be extremely modest. I am also sweet and kind and very caring. That's why all the toms adore me." She batted her eyelashes prettily at the small group of fanboys, mistaking their shocked stares for admiration. "Don't you, darlings?" 

Nix - the Mistoffelees and Rum Tum Tugger fanboy - , exchanged an amused grin with Josh - the Skimbleshanks fanboy -, while the remaining guys (who actually lusted after the females of the show), blushed deeply and looked away. 

"Too bad that I shall forever be faithful to my Mistoffelees," sighed Maritza. "Or Tugger. Or Munkustrap. I haven't really decided yet." She smiled sweetly, not hearing the growls from the gathered fans. 

They would probably have attacked her for daring to speak that way about their Lust Objects (only _they_ were allowed to say such things), but then Richard and Kara came back with miss Minnaloushe. 

Following the course coordinator were two young women, both dressed in black. The oldest one, with wild brown hair thatw as mostly hidden under a blue beret, unsheathed her weapon, a toasting fork, and made her way through the crowd. 

"Coming through, coming through!" she bellowed with authority. "The PPC official business. Outta my way!" 

The younger, who had dirty blond hair and was waving a carving knife dangerously close to Jessedandle's face, started glaring at the fic-writers, one after the other. Joanna noticed that Chelshastin was squirming, as if uncomfortable, but the girl said nothing. 

Joanna was fairly certain that she knew those two young women. They were Ekwy and Gecka Fields, Agents for the PPC (whatever that was), and they were holding the GrammarBootCamp at OFUC. She still didn't know exactly what GrammarBootCamp was, since there still had been no notice of how or when it would happen. She had over the past two weeks received it as a punishment five times, and still there had been no word from the administration. With a little luck they had forgotten all about her, but Joanna was too jaded from previous experiences at OFUC to know that its staff rarely forgot anything involving the punishment of students. 

Ekwy, having made her way over to Maritza, now grabbed the queen's paw and calmly poked her hard in the arm with the toasting fork. 

"Ow!" howled Maritza and glared at the Agent. "Hey, what's your damage?" 

Ekwy, ignoring her, inspected the wound, and then turned her head to look at miss Minnaloushe. "No blood," she reported. "Just this glittery stuff. It's a Sue, alright." 

"Fabulous," replied miss Minnaloushe, with the tone of voice that clearly said that someone was going to suffer for this. "A Sue at my University. Fantastic." 

"You took the wrong turn on your way to the junkyard, didn't ya, poppit?" Gecka cheerfully called out to Maritza Chin Smaragde. "Mistake!" She grinned widely and then returned to glare at the students. 

"You want to take her out, miss?" asked Ekwy politely. "It's your place, after all." 

Miss Minnaloushe smirked. "It's been a while since I killed something..." She sighed. "Alas, I'm not permitted to. When I decided to become a course coordinator, I promised to stop killing things. It wouldn't look good on a resume, you know. Besides, it is your job. Stealing it from you would be such bad form indeed. Please, you do it." 

Ekwy shrugged. "You're the boss." And she reached out a hand, placed it on Maritza's head, and with a twitch of her shoulder she snapped the Sue's neck. 

Maritza fell to the floor with a thud, and the closest students shrieked and backed away. Ekwy bent down and pulled up the dead Sue, throwing her over her shoulder. 

"I'll give it to the Rumpus Cat," she mused. "The mini-Pollicles are going to get a little treat tonight!" 

"Splendid idea," said Gecka, who had stopped with her Glare O' Death. "And now I need some assistance." 

Miss Minnaloushe looked at her students, her wings raising up in the air behind her head and their shadows seemingly engulfing the cowering fic-writers. "Now," she said silkily. "Which one of you did it?" 

"I tried my patented glare," sighed the younger PPC Agent. "But I get the feeling that you are so much better at that than little 'ole me. So knock yourself out, with all due respect, miss." 

"One of you did it," purred miss Minnaloushe, not noticing Gecka. "And I will find out. Sooner or later. You're making it worse by holding it secret to me. Come on now. One of you wrote a Mary-Sue, even though you KNOW it is forbidden here. So, which one of you REALLY disappointed me?" 

"She's dangerous when disappointed," Ekwy informed them gleefully. "Not that she isn't always, but you know what I mean." 

It was eerily quiet. Someone shuffled their feet, but no one dared speak up. 

"Very well," said miss Minnaloushe and smiled it that creepy way that always made Joanna very, very nervous. "I'll just have to get the Twins, then. They'll see right through you in a second. Every little, tiny thing in their brain, every embarrassing detail of every humiliation in your life from the day you were born until now, they will see. And they will tell me, and I will write a looong article about it, and it will be in the next edition of _The Junkyard Lantern_. Trust me on this. There will be no mercy for the little fic-writers." She looked over the crowd, who had paled miserably. 

Joanna noticed Chelshastin, who was trembling all over. Her face was basically green with terror, and she looked like she was going to be sick. 

Miss Minnaloushe's steel-grey stare landed on the girl and her eyes flashed in red for the flicker of a second. "Ah," she smiled. "There you are." 

Chelshastin squeaked like a trapped rat as the course coordinator towered over her, seemingly growing to twice her original length. A finger, slightly greyish in colour and with a blood-red nail that mostly resembled a claw, shout out and tickled the fangirl's throat ever-so-slightly. 

"So, miss Chelshastin," smiled miss Minnaloushe. "Did you by any chance have a partner in crime?" 

The girl swallowed, her eyes darting around the place as if trying to get help from her classmates. They were much too scared of doing something. 

"Yes..." she whispered finally, her voice shaking. 

"I thought so." The finger with the claw-like nail was withdrawn, and Chelshastin could again breathe. "These things always come in pairs. So, my dear one, do you want to tell auntie Minnaloushe who your friend is?" 

"Brz." 

"Sorry, I didn't quite catch that." 

And then, something snapped inside the poor fangirl. "Brize!" she howled. "We wanted to write something good for _the Lantern_, miss, and we got this idea for a fic, and we wrote it down, and how were we supposed to know that it would come true? Things don't usually _happen_ after you've written them down!" She looked pleadingly at the course coordinator. "And then that, that THING just showed up! We didn't mean anything by it, miss! It was just something silly that we thought up, we'd never ever even put it up on the 'Net if we had written it back home!" 

Brize, the mentioned partner in crime, ran up to stand by her friend's side. "It's the truth, miss!" she said seriously, even though she was also pale as death. "We meant nothing by it, we promise!" 

When the two despairing fangirls had quieted, and their cries had subsided into slightly hysterical sobs, miss Minnaloushe cleared her throat. Joanna saw that there was something in her eyes that hadn't been there before. A look of... pity? It was something like it anyway. 

"Well," she said. "I am very pleased to hear that you are sorry for what you did. Yes." 

She seemed at loss for what to really say, it was as if the air had gone out of her. She definitely didn't tower over the students anymore, which was a relief. However, seeing miss Minnaloushe without words was almost as scary as seeing her royally pissed off. 

She cleared her throat again. "There will be... reckonings for it even so," she said. Her voice was slow, as if she weighed every word before saying it. "Detention. For both of you. First with the Rumpus Cat and the minis for a week, and after that you will be writing lines with Old Deuteronomy. A thousand times: "I Must Not Write Mary-Sues." Yes. I think that will do." 

And with that, miss Minnaloushe turned and walked away majestically. 

Ekwy hoisted up the body of Maritza Chin Smaragde and gave the fic-writers a nod. "Congrats, you two," she told Chelshastin and Brize. "She hasn't been this quiet for a long time." 

"Not since she got the job," Gecka informed them. "She was way quiet then. For a week, I think. They're like that, her people. They think things through a lot." 

"What is she, anyway?" asked Misty suddenly. "Miss Minnaloushe, I mean." 

Ekwy smirked a little. "Weeell... Technically she shouldn't exist yet. She belongs in this continuum just as much as you guys do. She's an Ironwing. Her story hasn't been told yet. Perhaps one day it will be." She gave her sister a nod. "Gecks, come over here and help me with this stupid corpse. It keeps slipping." 

Gecka chuckled, and thereby breaking the mood. "Sure thing, sis. See you guys at GrammarBootCamp soon enough." 

The Agents left with the body, leaving the fic-writers alone to think about what had been said. 

They didn't get the chance to, though. For merely seconds after, Macavity's minis (he had three now) came running up to them, their eyes blazing and teeth glinting dangerously. 

"We're late for class!" wailed Ralli. "Macavity's gonna KILL us!" 

The students started running towards the classroom. Joanna groaned. Getting back to reality again really sucked.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry if this wasn't as funny as they usually are... I'll try and do something about that.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Jemima-luvah:** Different lyrics say different things about the spelling of "Heaviside." However, after a Google search, I have to say that Heaviside with an I seems to be the most common, and I also found it in a fair few dictionaries on the 'Net as Heaviside. I would say that "my" spelling is the correct one. Thank the Everlasting Cat... Otherwise it would have been very embarassing indeed. /  
**Ralli-Rah:** Your review made me almost hysterical. I WANT TO SEE IT LIVE NOW! I want to travel somewhere where _Cats_ is still playing, and I want to see it live. And then I want to see it again. Damn and curse the fact that I wasn't even born yet when it still went over here! Stupid Sweden.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Ah, your question takes me back about a year and a half... I was a young girl (well, younger than I am now, anyways) and I had just recently discovered this wonderful thing called fanfiction and reead basically anything I could get my hands on. I didn't care if it was good or not, I was just so relieved to have found something that I could amuse myself with while waiting for the real thing to come out. This was in the Harry Potter fandom, a place which is unfortunately drowning in Mary-Sues as we speak. Type. Whatever. So, one day I stumbled across a story called "By My Side," a blatant Mary-Sue with little to no regard for canon, multiple punctuation errors, and Improper Use of Capitals. I read it, and I ADORED it. I wasn't very picky back then. How the hell was I supposed to know that the main character was the spawn of Satan and the author was an idiot?  
Not very long after that, I found the PPC. I learned about Sues, and was so embarassed when I saw what I had loved so much. So, to rid my self of the humiliation, I started to PPC things. The first one to go was of course "By My Side." It felt nice.  
When I later met and fell in love with _Cats_, I read a parody story by Eunike about a Mary-Sue. It was bloody hilarious, so I decided to try it on my own. It worked out rather nicely, don't you think?  
**Zazzie:** I recieved your enrollment, just so you know. My e-mail is a bit weird, so I can't e-mail addresses ending with aol dot com. Why? My e-mail don' need no stinkin' reasons! So anyway, I got it, and you're in. Just wanted you to know, just in case you didn't spot your cameo in this chapter. :)

.:hands out Jellice to all her reviewers:. There you go, my pretties!


	8. The Big Issue of Slash

**A/N:** At first, I must apologize if there are any Scottish people reading this. I tried my very best with Skimbleshanks, but I'm not sure I did a good job. I will play the "English-is-my-second-language" card at this, and it shall be the last time I ever do so. I hope.

And then I must apologize again, if anyone is going to be offended by this chapter. It takes up the subject of slash, which I know that a lot of you write. (Out of 28 people that has enrolled so far, twelve has or are planning to write slash.) I don't exactly forbid you to write it, but... yeah. Read it, and find out. And come on, even if I told you that you shouldn't write slash, how many of you would listen to me? ;)

Extra Jellice to the one who can spot the almost-Monty Python reference in this chapter!

**Eight: The Big Issue of Slash**

After the end of Macavity's class (which basically consisted of him walking around and making them all repeat "Macavity is evil. He is not a cute little teddy bear. He cannot be cured from his wicked ways with a hug. If you forget this, you will be smote." over and over again), Joanna and her classmates dragged themselves to Jellicles: Human Felines or Human-like Cats?, in the hope of getting a relaxed lesson.

However, Skimbleshanks had another idea.

"Well," he said as soon as he showed up. "Good afternoon to ye. Today, we're going to discuss Jellicles. Now, can anyone tell me whut they are, exactly?"

The students looked at each other uncertainly. Was he looking for a particular answer? After a short while, Lyra (who was sporting a black eye ever since she tried to glomp Macavity) raised her hand.

"They're cats, aren't they?" she asked hesitantly.

Skimbleshanks nodded. "Aye, they are. But, they have some talents that yer normal housecat does nae got. Anyone got a suggestion?"

"They sing and dance," said JemimaWeasley.

"They play on stage in a theatre!" cried out Karlitio.

"They cook!" came an answer from Allison.

"Very good," said the Railway Cat. "But ye're forgettin' things. Vital things, that tells us that a Jellicle is nae normal cat. As for an example, Bombalurina and Demeter sing that Macavity's fur is ginger. Now, cats, just like dogs, are colour-blind. Ginger, bein' a kind of red, should be impossible for them to see. In their book of ref'rence, Macavity could just as well be green."

A few students sniggered at this.

"And o' course, real cats donnae dance, either," continued Skimbleshanks. "And they gen'rally don't do magicks."

"Couldn't they do it behind their humans' backs, so that they never notice?" asked Joanna.

The Railway Cat sighed. "Whut is easier to believe, miss Swanson? That yer nice wee kitty-cat does magic tricks behind yer back, or that the Jellicles are simply a special tribe of half-humans, half-cats?"

Joanna didn't answer that. She wasn't sure of what answer he wanted to hear.

"But ye make an excellent point," said the teacher and gave her a courtly nod, as if he was a king and granted her a favour by doing so. "It's also very clear that some of the cats at the junkyard has humans takin' care of them. They have collars, and their songs states that they live in close contact with humans. That little fact says that they're no half-breeds. They're cats, no more, no less." 

"So... what's the correct guess?" asked Jemima-luvah. 

Skimbleshanks waited with his answer. A few of his fangirls (to his great surprise, he had quite a few) sighed dreamily from their places at the front of the class. "Tha' is, indeed, a puzzle. Andrew Lloyd Webber has clearly stated in an interview that all cats are Jellicle cats, and it's fairly certain that that's what T.S. Eliot meant in the original poems as well. It makes sense, considerin' _The Addressin' of Cats_ and other musical numbers. But countin' all the characters, there are aboot thirty-odd cats at the junkyard, and that is includin' everyone that only show up on stage once. Surely there cannae be only say, thirty-five cats in the world? No, probably not even in London!" 

"So the Jellicles are a tribe, then?" 

It was Sacai Stormcage who had spoken up. The Pollicle student, who had left "no comments" on her(his?) enrolment form and had thereby been left as a gender-confused Alsatian, was looking at Skimbleshanks apprehensively, with the pink tongue hanging out of the mouth. 

"A lot o' things speak for it," answered the orange cat. "It is also a common fanon assumption that some sort of test is required for an outside cat to be let into the junkyard. The levels of diff'culty for this test varies, though. Also as a side-note I want to say: If you will ever find yerself in a position that ye will have to write such a test, then please don't make it too simple. To be a Jellicle is not something ye do on a whim. It is an important decision, and it shall be treated as such. Mister Kerl, would ye _please_ stop whisperin' in the background? I am feline, my senses by far surpasses yer own, and if repeated, you shall have to suffer the consequences of answerin' to miss Minnaloushe." 

Tie Kerl sunk back into his seat and sighed in boredom. Skimbleshanks coughed slightly. 

"Thank ye, mister Kerl. Now, if ye would be so kind, can ye tell me somethin' that Jellicles do NOT do on stage?" 

The fanboy gulped. "Err... They don't..." 

"Yes?" 

"Kiss?" Tie offered weakly. 

"Aye, they donnae kiss! And why not?" 

"Because... they're cats?" 

"Exactly, my lad! If ye had dormitories, I would have given yers five points right now. What else don't they do? Anyone?" 

His gaze landed on Eponine, who had apparently been preparing for this question. 

"Hug!" she said proudly. 

"Very good! Why don't they hug, miss Eponine?" 

"Because cats don't hug! They nuzzle! Sir," she added, just in case. 

Skimbleshanks beamed at her. "Well said! So evidently, there are some rules to be followed. OFUC is willin' to bend these rules just a wee bit, for the sake of creativity, but ye should keep this in mind. There are some things that cats donnae do, and thereby Jellicles should nae be able to do them either." He made a dramatic pause. "Which raises the question of slash." 

A few students perked up. They had been waiting for this ever since Skimbleshanks had told them that it would be a part of the curriculum for the class. 

"I am first inclined to say that ye should nae write slash." 

A few gasps were heard, and Roman de la Croix fell to the floor in a dead faint. 

"But there are hot dancing guys in tight outfits!" howled Misty, half-standing on her seat. "You just can't expect us to NOT write about that! It's inhumane!" 

"Would ye let me finish, miss Misty?" asked the Railway Cat with a frosty smile. "As said, that was my first thought. Ye should nae write slash, because slash includes homosexual relationships, and cats simply donnae do tha'. I know what ye're gonna say," he said as Ralli's hand shot up into the air. "That ye know of male housecats that has been mating, and although that is true, that is nae classified as homosexuality. If ye asked these cats whether or not they prefer mating with someone of the same gender, they would nae understand the meaning of yer words. That we know for sure. Homosexuality means 'to fall in love with someone of the same sex.' Cats do nae understand the concept of that. And ye slashers, ye should already ken this. I'm sure tha' Alonzo and the lot teachin' slash has told you aboot this." 

The orange cat gave the class a stern look, and some mumblings were heard. Ralli's hand was still raised, so he gave her permission to speak. 

"So the question is: Do Jellicles know the difference?" she asked, breathlessly. 

Skimbleshanks nodded. "That is exactly my point. We know now that there are some differences between cats and Jellicles. We only have to ask ourselves how far those differences extends. Since this is a fandom where so little is known, we simply donnae know what's canon and what's not. Half of the things we teach at this University are just fanon assumptions! We donnae _know_ enough to judge whether or not slash is possible." 

He looked over his class, who were frantically scribbling down notes. Then he sighed. "So by all means, write slash." 

The class erupted in applauds, and Nix and Kaylyn high-fived. Roman was awakened from her fainting spell, and there was in general much rejoicing. 

"However!" bellowed Skimbleshanks, and at this, his two minis (Skimblesahnks and Skimpleshankx) stood up and growled. At once, the students sat back down again. "However, and I cannae stress this point enough, although ye have the right to write as much slash as ye wish, ye should still think of keeping yer slashees in character. Write whatever ye want, but remember yer grammar and spelling, and if ye should forget to keep the characters IC, then I suspect that Mistoffelees would be more than happy to sic his minis on ye." 

He frowned momentarily and checked his pocket watch. He cleared his throat. "Now, if I have understood things correctly, this is yer last class for today, aye?" 

A few "yes"s echoed through the class. 

"Good. Well, then miss Minnaloushe has asked me to not let ye go just yet. She has some things that she wants to talk to ye about. I believe it has something to do with the little... visit we had just now." His glass-green eyes flashed in the general direction of Chelshastin and Brize, who both blushed furiously. "So anyway, while we wait for her I want ye to read through page nine to fifty-three in your text-books. Quietly, please." 

He sat down by his desk and absentmindedly scratched Skimblesahnks behind the ears. The students quickly got up their books (_Felines and Their Charming Ways_ by William Black) and began to read. 

...

Miss Minnaloushe knew how to make an entrance. In fact, she had once studied the fine art of opening doors and majestically sweep into a room, thus drawing everyone's eyes to yourself. It was really too bad that the classrooms of her university suffered from a terrible lack of doors. Appearing in the middle of a glade among all the junk just really wasn't the same.

"Alright, listen up, you pathetic excuses for writers!" she called out the second she appeared.

They all jumped at the sound of her voice. She smirked slightly. Good.

She said with an unusually perky voice: "After long consideration, I have decided what I should do with you little rule-breakers. Not just talking about misses Chelshastin and Brize, but all of you. It is obvious that you have yet to understand what happens if you do not do what we tell you." Miss Minnaloushe smiled that odd little smile, which she knew very well made her students extremely nervous.

"What are you going to do?" asked a brave soul.

"Ah, I'm so glad you asked!" Miss Minnaloushe clapped her hands together in delight. "I'm going to take you lot out on a small quest. It will be educational, and hopefully you will get 'Do Not Write Mary-Sues' into your thick sculls. I have talked to your teachers, and they agreed to let you off lessons in the morning. We will get back for dinner. Humans, make sure you dress lightly. If you're heavied down by too much clothes and can't keep up, then rest assured that no one will be waiting for you."

The course coordinator sighed and rubbed her hands together. "I suggest that you will get some rest tonight, little writers. Because tomorrow..." She chuckled, and there was something sinister in that chuckle. "Tomorrow, we're going on a field trip!"

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**DemiGold:** Hm... Germany, you say? Worth checking out. :)  
**D0uble-Tr0uble:** No, I don't think that Tugger will lead a class that teaches the student how to get the girl. Would be interesting, though.  
**Jemima-luvah:** But if "Heavyside" is copyrighted, then shouldn't "Heaviside" be as well? I know I've seen it more than once in copyrighted lyrics across the 'Net, and it's also the version I have on the lyrics in my CD case. Hm. 'Tis a puzzle, indeed.  
I'm glad this story gets your imagination going. The Ironwings figure in an original story of mine that I'm currently writing, and since they are a rather frightening people I thought I'd put one of them in this story as well. Miss Minnaloushe doesn't turn up in the original though.  
**Roman de la Croix:** I wrote you an e-mail with my response, so that I don't clutter up this section of my updates. Just for the record: I don't think you're a jerk. You're of course entitled to your opinion.  
**Skellum:** No, I don't have a classlist posted. I have of course written one (plus a schedule, a complete list of seminars, and a list of offered free-time courses. The latter includes of course music, crocheting and tatting, taught by Jennyanydots) but I don't think I'll post them. Maybe I'll put them up on my website one day. Don't sit around and wait for it though, since I'm notorious for being slow at updating said website. I don't know how! .:wails:.  
**Mystitat:** Thank you. .:bows:. Nah, Maritza Chin Smaragde was an invented character, created by me and not by one of my poor students. I really should stop creating Mary-Sues... So many of them exist already, without me having to contribute! A John Smith? (Or Gary Stu, or Marty Sam, as they are also called.) I've never seen one of those in CATS, although I have come across a fair few in the Harry Potter fandom. Fascinating creatures. Perhaps I'll think up someone for Confused Cats one of these days. Would be an interesting change, I think.  
**Lyrange:** I know, I know, I constantly spoil you guys with new chapters. It's a sickness, really. I just can't help myself. Perhaps I should join Compulsory Updaters Anonymous?  
**Eclectica:** C'mon, join the side of OFUC! You know you want to... We have Jellice! .:waves a bowl of Jellice around in front of you:.

And now, before you click that lovely little button that says "Submit Review," I have a question for you. Have you ever written a CATS crossover ? If so, what fandom did you cross it over with? I'm thinking of perhaps having a class about this, so it would really help if you answered. You don't have to have anything posted on the 'Net to respond.


	9. To the Heavyside

**A/N:** Updates will be a little less frequent from now on. I'm sad to say it, but I think you'll have to settle with once a week. Tragedy, I know.

**Nine: To the Heavyside**

The first problem the fic-writer faced the following day was the fact that Nix flat-out refused to get on the Floating Tire.

"I'll fall down!" he insisted. "No way! No way times infinity!" 

"You won't fall down," promised Lolita, a fellow slasher, and tried to pry his fingers away from the washing machine that he was desperately clinging to. "We'll hold on to you, won't we?" 

"Of course!" said Misty, and Joanna nodded eagerly. 

They threatened with getting miss Minnaloushe, also something that Nix was afraid of, and for a moment the fanboy pondered what exactly he feared the most. Then he decided that the Tire probably couldn't use him for target-practice when throwing feather-knives, and thereby closed his eyes and allowed Lolita to escort him up on the black rubber-wheel. 

Agent Gecka Fields sat comfortably on one side, wearing a blue stewardess hat and smiling brightly. 

"Welcome to Jellicle Airlines," she fluted. "We hope your journey shall be a pleasant one, and that no one falls down from the Tire and hits the ground and cracks their heads and that their brains won't make a terrible mess aaall over the junkyard." 

Nix whimpered. Josh patted him absentmindedly on the shoulder. Gecka's smile widened a little, a slightly disturbing sight. 

"Unfortunately, no canons will join us on this little trip," she continued, still with her perky stewardess-type voice. "They are busy rejoicing at the sight of their junkyard without its students. I think that they are planning a small party this afternoon, while you're away." 

The class groaned at these news. They would much rather have stayed and attended that party. The eyes of a few of the Mistoffelees fangirls glazed over at the thought of seeing their beloved Misto dancing, and then they sobbed slightly when they remembered that they wouldn't see it. Life was indeed extremely unfair. 

"Where are we going, anyway?" asked Karlitio. 

Gecka raised her eyebrows. "Didn't miss Minnaloushe tell you?" 

"No," mumbled the students. 

The young Agent was about to tell them, but at that moment the course coordinator showed up. She smiled courtly and gave them a nod. 

"Good, you are all here," she said. "Now. Do any of you know where we're going?" 

The students all simultaneously shook their heads. 

"Marvellous," said miss Minnaloushe. "Then we'll make it a surprise. Old Deuteronomy, if you'd be so kind?" 

She looked at the old cat, who was standing right next to the Tire. He nodded at her, and raised his arms up in the air. 

_And the air brought memories of a song with them, a song that was echoing through the junkyard and into the hearts of everyone living there. "The mystical divinity of unashamed felinity..."_

Slowly, the Tire started rising. The students murmured amongst themselves, hurriedly clinging to the sides of the Tire so that they wouldn't fall off. (The students that is. The sides of the Tire were rather firmly attached to the... well, the rest of the Tire.) White mist formed out of nothing, nearly blinding them. It wasn't unpleasant, just strange. 

Soon, the junkyard had vanished beneath them, hidden by the swirling mist. 

"Guys?" mumbled Joanna nervously. "You think we're going to the... Heaviside or something?" 

"Almost!" called out Gecka cheerfully. "But you're still wrong. Have you seen a gigantic paw coming out of the sky yet? No? Well, then it ain't the Heaviside." 

It started to get colder now, and the students huddled together to keep warm. The Tire floated higher and higher up, and the mist grew even thicker. Soon, the students couldn't even see the people sitting opposite them. The world had turned into a cool, white fog. 

"Don't worry," they heard miss Minnaloushe's stern voice say from somewhere next to them. "It is only temporary." 

It was. Not three minutes afterwards, they broke through the clouds and were looking out over a magnificent landscape of fluffy white overcast. The sun was shining brilliantly as it rose, colouring this foreign world in a golden autumn. It was a wonderful sight, although the crispness of the air made the students shiver with cold. 

"We'll be there soon," said Gecka calmly, looking over the clouds with something dreamy in her eyes. "It will get warmer then. No point in letting you freeze to death, is it?" 

Joanna, who was squeezed in firmly between Misty and Eclectica, didn't mind the cold that much. Both her neighbours were Jellicle students, and their fur stopped the worst of the chill. She wouldn't mind it if they would get there soon, though. 

About ten minutes of flying later, the Tire stopped in the middle of the air. It was sudden, as if it had hit something invisible. 

"And we're here!" announced miss Minnaloushe. "All right. Get off the Tire in pairs; I don't want anyone falling down. Once you get off, please remain calm. Don't go running off somewhere, you hear?" 

"Yes, miss Minnaloushe!" the students chorused. 

"Good. Now off with you!" 

Joanna took a firm grasp of Misty's paw-like hand and hold onto it until her knuckles turned white. She _really_ didn't want to fall. The pair jumped off the Tire and found that they were standing on solid ground, even though they couldn't see it. They _could_ see the clouds whirling around in their eternal dance beneath them, but it was as if they were standing on a glass-floor. However, they didn't much feel like running around to explore this new world. 

When everyone had jumped off, miss Minnaloushe arranged them in a neat line with herself at the front and Gecka at the back, and they began to walk. The surroundings changed for every step. The clouds whirled around, forming strange shapes that collapsed within a second to form others. 

An odd sort of archway formed in the air in front of them. The closer they got to it, the more solid it appeared. Soon they saw that it was closed with heavy wooden doors, coloured in a eye-hurting shade of purple. Next to the archway stood a desk in green marble, and behind the desk stood a Jellicle. Her fur was light pink, her eyes were cerulean, and her smile almost hysterically wide. 

"Welcome to the Heavyside Layer!" she chirruped happily as the students came closer and gathered around the desk. "Keeping deceased CATS Mary-Sues since 1981! How can I help you?" 

Miss Minnaloushe, who's eye was twitching ever so slightly at the sight of the Secretary, spoke up: "Good morning. We are from the Official Fanfiction University of Cats, here for a school trip. I believe that we had booked a tour of the place?" 

"Certainly, ma'am!" said the Secretary, and it was a wonder that her face didn't split in two from the smile plastered on it. "Hold on just a minute!" She leaned over to press a button on the desk. "Mimosa, can you be a darling and come to the desk at once? We have guests!" 

"I'll be right there!" came a voice from the apparent communication radio, and then there was a faint click. 

The Secretary made a gesture at a cloud nearby, and it formed into a neat row of couches. "Please, sit down," she offered. "It will take just a second or two." 

The students sank down on the couches. They were so soft that they almost sank right through them, and it took a certain amount of will-power to remain in a seated position. The Secretary smiled benevolently, but her eyes gleamed with glee. Joanna immediately felt a surge of loathing rise up in her throat, and she glared at the Secretary. 

The pink Jellicle didn't seem to care very much. "Can I get you anything?" she asked kindly. "A cup of chocolate, perhaps? Tea? Coffee?" "No, thank you," said miss Minnaloushe shortly. "We don't want anything at the moment." 

"Speak for yourself," muttered Misty in Joanna's ear. "I wouldn't say no to that chocolate..." 

"Miss Minnaloushe probably knows what she's doing," said Joanna calmly. "I don't trust that secretary myself. She really creeps me out." 

"I know what you mean," said Jessedandle. "There's something really... unreal about her. Like she's not really here." 

"Bloody Suvian," mumbled Agent Gecka. "If she comes too close to me, I'll snap her neck, I swear to the Everlasting Cat." 

Joanna felt a sudden relief that Gecka was, temporarily at least, on her side. The look in the Agent's eyes when she glared at the Secretary was intimidating, to say the least. 

After a short wait, another Jellicle came out to them. Thankfully, she wasn't pink. Her fur was a bright ginger, and it was rather tufty and uncombed. She was tall and lanky, and the only real beautiful thing about her were her large, blue eyes. She smiled somewhat shyly at them. 

"Hello," she said. "My name is Mimosa, and I'm going to be your guide through this place that they call the Heavyside Layer. If you have any questions, I'm the one to ask. So go ahead. Ask." 

A number of hands shot up in the air. Mimosa looked confused for a second, and then nodded towards Jinzatti. "Yes?" 

Jinzatti, a bluish black tuxedo with a black patch over one eye, cleared her throat. "Yes. I want to know where the hell we are, if it's not too much trouble." 

A few students giggled, but quickly shut up when miss Minnaloushe gave them a Look. 

Mimosa raised an eyebrow. "You are in the Heavyside Layer, silly. Or, technically, right outside it. The tendency you have to spell it 'Heavyside' created this place, and now it is where Mary-Sues go once they've died tragically. We have a whole bunch of them here, including the Secretary you met before." 

"I have you know that I am a very original character!" huffed the Secretary, crossing her arms. "Everyone's always teasing me because my fur is naturally pink! Besides, _you_'re totally a worse 'Sue than I am! At least _I_'m not the daughter of Macavity!" 

Mimosa blushed slightly. "Yes, err... I was hoping that we wouldn't get into that." She cleared her throat. "Anyway. Any other questions?" 

Jemima-luvah raised her hand. "Pardon me for intruding or whatever," she said hesitantly, "but I know I've seen the 'Heavyside' on copyrighted lyrics. How do you know that it's correct to spell it with an I?" 

Miss Minnaloushe coughed. "Technically we don't," she said. "The two versions are both spread across fandom, but the I is most common. Since we don't know absolutely one hundred percent for sure, both names has a mini-Pollicle back at OFUC, even though Heaviside is a bit shy. You haven't seen him just yet. This place, the Heavyside, also has a neighbouring world, inhabited by... other things. You'll see what I mean soon enough." 

Mimosa nodded. "Yes, indeed. All right, you lot, are you ready to walk inside?" 

The students mumbled nervously amongst themselves, but nodded. The ginger Jellicle queen smiled kindly. 

"Don't worry, you'll do just fine," she said. "Just keep away from the..." 

"Hush, Mimosa," interrupted Gecka. "Let it be a surprise for them." 

"Oh. Right. Well then, Secretary, could you be a sweetheart and open the doors for us?" 

The Secretary smiled. "Certainly, my dear." 

She pushed a large, pink button. The purple doors through the archway slowly opened... Before anyone could stop it or had even figured out what was going on, a small, sparkly thing came out from the Heavyside. It was hard to see exactly what it was since it zoomed around at the speed of lightning. It vaguely reminded Joanna of a fairy that she had seen in a movie once, except that instead of sounding like the gentle tink-tink of a small bell, the thing laughed a rather nasty little laugh. 

It hold up for a moment, as if deciding which student it was going to go for. A heartbeat later it seemed to have reached a decision, and it went straight for Joanna. The thing flew right up to her, she could see its face with the delicate features and the fair hair, how it got closer and closer, how the petite mouth opened to reveal razor-sharp teeth... 

She felt a brief sting as the thing bit her, and then a hard blow in the stomach as it rammed into her at full speed, knocking the wind out of her. Joanna gasped for air, she suddenly felt light-headed, and oh wouldn't it be nice to lie down for a while? 

The fic-writer blinked sleepily. And then she fell, backwards and not very gracefully, down from the cloud and kept falling.

* * *

**A/N:** Yes, this is a plug to my other story: Father of the Year, where you can read about Mimosa. I am proud over her, so if it wouldn't be too much trouble, it would be nice of you to give it a looksie. :)

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**D0uble-Tr0uble:** You're starting a OFU of your own? That's great! Let me know when you get it up, if you get permission from the Almighty Miss Cam, of course. :) Hopefully I'll know the fandom...  
**DemiGold:** I am so stupid... I know that Jellicles hug! I know, I know, I know... So why didn't I write it? I'm a little less lenient about the kissing, though. Hugging, I can get, but kissing? No. There is just something wrong about that. Anyway, I'll try to think of something else that they Don't Do, and thanks for reminding me!  
**Mystitat:** The pronounciation of "Ekwy" is... "Eck-wie." Sort of. I'm not really sure myself. ;) Neither the one or the other spelling is in Eliot's poems. Too bad, really. It would have settled the whole thing.  
**Lolita:** Extra Jellice for finding the almost-Pythonism. :)  
**Airmid Star:** Yes, I think I read that somewhere... Anyway, I know that green and red are a usual mix-up with colour-blind creatures, so I think my point was made anyway...  
**Eponine:** I come bearing news from Mystitat. She says that you're welcome to post your fics on her website, isn't that nice? You can probably leave a little comment in her guestbook, and the URL to said site can be found in her profile. Good luck!  
**Jemima-luvah:** Sorry that I couldn't do what you suggested. I really couldn't change this chapter, and I hope the explanation given by miss Minnaloushe will do?


	10. The Jellcile

**A/N:** When I finished this chapter, a lot of thoughts ran through my head. "Should you update now? But you said you should only do so once a week!" And the other part of my brain whined: "But I'm booored! I want to update! They won't mind! They complained when you said the whole once-a-week thing! And I have time, it's Easter break now!" And the first part went "You shouldn't be inconsistent. It will confuse your reviewers, and confused reviewers are not happy reviewers!"

And then I thought: "Ah, screw it," and I posted it. :)

Note: I know it's spelled "pixie." I felt like being original.

**Ten: The Jellcile**

Joanna noticed two things. One was a loud cursing above her (most of it in a language that she had never heard) and the rustling of metal wings. The other was the odd thoughts that suddenly struck her. Afterwards, when Misty asked her about it, she wouldn't be able to explain the feeling. It was a peculiar sense of... of being complete, or rather the sense that she _could_ be complete, if only she could find a pencil and a piece of paper. The blood cursed through her veins and made her ears hum. Her skin felt like it was being pierced with needles, but in a _good_ way. Her head pounded. Her entire being was filled with one thought, and one thought only:

I HAVE TO WRITE. 

She didn't notice how she was falling. She didn't see when miss Minnaloushe flew down, visible only as a grey streak to the sky, and grabbed her ankle. Her mind was busy with this IDEA, this wonderful and perfect IDEA that she'd suddenly gotten. How could she not have seen this before? It was so beautiful! 

"Listen to my voice, miss Swanson." 

What? No! No, she had to hold on to this idea! It was the greatest thing that had ever happened to her; what would she do if she suddenly lost it? 

"You can do it. Just pay attention to my words. Let it go. Let it sink back into shadow." 

"I'll... forget..." whispered Joanna hoarsely. 

"Yes. But take my word for it, my dear, it is better that way. Now. I want you to do something for me. I want you to name the cats mentioned in _The Naming of Cats_, can you do that?" 

Joanna groaned. Why did miss Minnaloushe have to continue talking? She could already feel how the idea slipped away. She had to fight to remember it, and the very thought of loosing it forever made her eyes tear. 

"Wh-what?" 

"Just do it, you foolish girl!" 

There was a dangerous hiss in her voice, and Joanna felt a cold stab of fear. 

"Alright, alright... Eh... First of all, the names that the family use daily... Peter, Augustus, Alonzo, James. And then Victor, Jonathan, George and Bill Bailey." 

"Continue." 

Joanna felt how the idea faded away. Slowly, other sounds and sights took its place. She became aware of the heavy beatings of miss Minnaloushe's wings as they slowly rose through the clouds again. She noticed that she was hanging upside-down by her ankle, which was caught in the hand of the course coordinator. Still she felt like crying when trying to remember... what? 

"I said: Continue!" 

"Fancier names... Plato, Admetus, Electra and Demeter. And particular names... Munkustrap, Quaxo, Coricopat, Bombalurina and Jellylorum! That's it, that's everyone!" 

They were breaking through the clouds now, and Joanna could see the upside-down images of her classmates, Gecka and Mimosa who stood gaping at her. 

"Hi guys," she said weakly. 

Miss Minnaloushe let go of her ankle, and Joanna landed with a thud on the cloud-floor. She sat up and blinked a few times. She still felt dizzy, and her hand burned from the place where that thing with wings had bitten her. 

Miss Minnaloushe adjusted her glasses, brushed some invisible dust from her sensible, black dress and arranged her hair into its neat bun. Then she turned to Gecka, who was holding a glass jar with something inside it. The Agent looked very smug about it. 

"I see you caught it," said miss Minnaloushe and nodded approvingly. 

"They always get slow after biting someone," answered Gecka and held up the jar in front of Joanna. "Does this look familiar to you?" 

Joanna squinted. Inside the jar, tapping a delicate foot against the glass-floor, stood the fairy-like creature. It looked female, and it was very pretty with its white-blond hair and grey eyes, but the grimace on her face was far from pretty. She looked furious, as if she was planning to get out of the jar and bite everyone in sight. 

"Yes," said Joanna. 

"What... what is it?" asked Ratha. 

"Something that I believe you've all encountered once or twice," said Gecka. "It's a pixay, sub-species Jellcile. I know the people at the Heavyside keeps a fair few for examination, so I suppose this one got loose. Its bite contains a toxin which, when reaching the bloodstream, penetrates the mental barriers that even you lot has when it comes to write fanfic. You experience dizziness, euphoria and a strong desire to write down the in your mind brilliant fic-idea. Some people call it the wicked Muse." 

"It is important that the infected person's mind gets occupied with something else as fast as possible after being bitten," continued miss Minnaloushe. "Reeling off a lot of unimportant facts or song lyrics is perfect, but if nothing else works then the multiplications table will do. If the idea cannot get a hold of a person's brain, it fades away. Miss Swanson, do you feel alright?" 

Everyone looked at Joanna, who to her own surprise noticed that she was crying. 

"Y-yes," she sniffled and dried her tears in embarrassment. "Sorry. It was just... I thought it was the best idea ever, and now I'll never get it back!" 

Miss Minnaloushe searched the pockets of her dress and came up with a tissue. She handed it over to Joanna, who took it and blew her nose. 

Gecka held up the jar and squinted at the Jellcile. "Fair hair, grey eyes," she mumbled. "A little spitfire. Dunno about you, miss, but it sure looks like a romance to me." 

Miss Minnaloushe gave it a look. "Yes. Judging by her level of aggression, I'd say it's a difficult romance too. Could be an implausible pairing, or even a Mary-Sue." 

"It wasn't a Mary-Sue!" exclaimed Joanna angrily. 

When the Agent and the course coordinator looked at her in mild surprise, she blushed fiercely. 

"I mean..." she mumbled. "I mean... It doesn't _feel_ like it was a Mary-Sue." 

"Do you remember it?" 

"No!" 

Gecka shrugged. "Then for all you know, it could have been. Sometimes when you're dreaming, you can get an idea that sounds great at the time, but when you wake you find out that it was strange and didn't make much sense at all. This is the same principle, see?" 

"Yeah," muttered Joanna. "I suppose you're right." 

"Of course I'm right!" 

"Excuse me," said Mimosa calmly. "I don't mean to be rude or anything, but don't you think that we should get this show on the road? Personally, I've got all the time in the world, but I suppose you guys want to get back to the university as soon as possible?" 

"Of course," nodded miss Minnaloushe. "However, it was foolish of me to let my students into the Heavyside without some sort of protection. I had no idea that the Jellciles would be this... alert." 

She turned and walked up to the Tire, from which she picked up a large brown backpack. From it she unpacked a number of cans with what appeared to be bug spray. She passed them along to her students; Joanna saw how they all clung to their cans as if their lives depended on it. She still felt slightly disoriented herself, but she had decided to go through with this. Who knew, it might show in her final grade if she passed this one up. 

Joanna held her bug spray in both hands and took a deep breath. 

"Alright, doves," said Gecka and grinned. "Let's go into the Heavyside. And if anyone starts singing at this point, I'll snap that person's neck, savvy?" 

**

...

**

Joanna didn't know exactly what she had expected the Heavyside to look like, but it sure wasn't like this. It looked a bit like a waiting room. The walls were a pale yellow, in a failed attempt to look inviting and cheerful. The chairs were made out of hard, orange plastic, on which perfect-looking Jellicles and human girls sat reading out-dated fashion magazines. Most of them looked extremely bored, but one or two seemed rather amused by the situation. There was an aquarium in a corner, in which goldfish swam around, looking extremely nervous indeed. A fair few of the Jellicles in the room were looking at them hungrily. 

"_This_ is were dead Mary-Sues go?" asked Aislin Kageno, frowning. "Actually, they prefer the term 'canonically challenged,'" said Mimosa and She walked up to a door, which the little black sign next to it explained led to the "Rehabilitation Centre." With a key taken from her rather impressive bunch by the belt around her waist, Mimosa opened the door, and the students were ushered inside. 

They were now standing in a brightly lit corridor. Here the walls were white, so white that they almost hurt to look at. The wall at the left was made of glass, so that the students could see into the room on the other side. The darkness of the glass reminded Joanna of the police shows she used to see on TV, and she figured that it was the type of glass you could see through, but the person on the other side of the glass could only see a reflexive surface. 

The room right next to them contained two people. One was clearly a 'Sue. She was very pretty with snow-white fur and golden eyes, but some of her beauty had obviously faded. Her fur was not as shimmering as it could have been, her paws were dirty and her tail lowered. She didn't look very happy. 

The other person was a dark grey tabby, a tom. He was wearing glasses and oddly enough a dark suit, and he was holding a clipboard in his paws. 

"That is our Doctor Bailey," said Mimosa proudly. "He's a psychiatrist. Pay attention now." 

"Now, my dear, can you tell me your name?" Doctor Bailey asked the 'Sue. "State it clearly, please." 

"I am Serenity Deuteronomy," said the 'Sue obediently. "I am the daughter of Old Deuteronomy, the leader of the Jellicles, and the sister to Munkustrap, the tribe protector. I lust after Mistoffelees." 

"Good, good. And what are you, Serenity?" 

Serenity frowned, her mouth moving slowly as if she had to try the words before saying them out loud. "I am a... Maa-reeh Sue." She beamed proudly. 

Doctor Bailey gave her a nod and a smile. "Well done, well done, Serenity. Now, that wasn't so hard to say, was it?" 

She shook her head. 

"Admitting it is the first step to rehabilitation, my dear. You are on your way to become a real original character!" He smiled at her again and wrote something down in his clipboard. "And that only after... two months of counselling. Very good. You're very fast for someone of your... specie." 

"Thank you, Doctor B.," said Serenity, and her golden eyes started to sparkle. 

Doctor Bailey frowned. "Now what have we said about the sparkling, Serenity? Your eyes cannot sparkle. They can't glitter either. I can agree on shining, but that's at far as it goes." 

"Sorry, Doctor B." 

Mimosa turned to the students. "Well," she said. "As you understand, Serenity Deuteronomy is what they call a Classic Mary-Sue. Notice her exquisite beauty and the connections to canon characters. Classic Mary-Sue most often goes for Mistoffelees, although the Rum Tum Tugger is not uncommon either. The Classic Mary-Sue has a sweet temper, a radiant smile and the voice of an angel. She can certainly dance better than Victoria, she sings better than Jemima, and her magical powers are more developed than Mistoffelees' own. She shows up at the junkyard one day, everyone loves her immediately ­ except the characters that the author doesn't like ­ and she captures the heart of her Lust Object right away. Question. Do you like Serenity Deuteronomy?" 

"Not really," muttered Joanna. 

"Why not? She's so nice, after all. Why shouldn't everybody like her, when she's so perfect?" 

"Because..." said Jinzatti slowly, "because she's a Mary-Sue?" 

"Close, but not quite," said Gecka. "Anyone else? Come on guys, you know this one!" 

Kristine MacDoanld (Joanna had never figured out if she had misspelled her name in her enrolment form, or if had been intentional) raised her hand. 

"Because she's not a real person?" she suggested. 

"Much better!" Mimosa beamed at her. "And why is she not a real person?" 

"Because real people have flaws," Kristine continued, encouraged by the Agent's grin. "And, and Mary-Sues are flawless by nature. It bugs us." 

"Gold star for you, miss... MacDoanld," said Mimosa, frowning momentarily at the strange name. "That is correct. Yes. For us to like a new character, they must have flaws. Flaws make them human. Or, well, Jellicles, technically, but you know what I mean. I'm not talking about that Secretary with her 'Oh, my fur is naturally pink and people tease me about it and woe is me' crap, I'm talking real flaws. You shouldn't try to create a perfect alter ego for yourself to get to your Lust Object; you want to create a _person_. Someone that we, the readers, can relate to." 

"And now we're moving over to our next specimen," she continued, leading them further down the corridor. They left the perkiness of Serenity Deuteronomy and her psychiatrist, and now stood in front of another window. 

This window was even more darkened than the first. That could have something to do with the teary-eyed 'Sue that was sitting in it. She was pretty, in a rather sad way. Her fur was black as night, but oddly enough the fur on her head had blue streaks. They looked perfectly natural. There was another doctor in this room, and he had a slightly dejected look about him. 

"Here we have Raven Bitca," said Mimosa. 

"Oh, Ekwy talked about her!" exclaimed Gecka and pressed her nose against the glass. "From what I heard, she was ripped apart by Pollicles. Sister dearest got a lot of compliments about that back at HQ..." She caught sight of miss Minnaloushe's face and coughed. "Sorry. Do carry on." 

"Thank you." Mimosa regarded Raven Bitca for a bit. "She's in session with Doctor George at the moment. Let's listen to their conversation, shall we?" 

The students leaned in closer to the glass, and they listened...

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Eponine:** She doesn't exactly... hate the students. Maybe she detests them, and she's certainly annoyed by them, but she knows that a school wouldn't do much good without students. So she... accepts them. Somewhat. A little bit, anyway.  
**NixNox:** Thank you. I want people to recognize themselves when they show up in the story, so I try to keep an eye on their enrollments before I write them in. It's getting harder now as more people enroll every day, but I do my best.  
**D0uble-Tr0uble:** Animorphs? To my knowledge, there's no OFU in that. I'd read it, even though I've got a limited knowledge of said fandom. I think they've stopped translating the books over here... Meanies, they are.  
**Eclectica:** Nope, the Secretary is just the Secretary. She is nameless!


	11. A Jellcile Named Polly

**Eleven: A Jellcile Named Polly**

"Do you have any idea how hard it is being me?" exclaimed Raven Bitca and glared at Doctor George. "I mean, not ONLY did my adopted parents never understand my SUFFERING and TORMENT, but when I'd FINALLY gotten together with my real parents, this crazy cat-chick shows up and throws me to a bunch of DOGS? I mean, does that sound FAIR to you?"

"Not exactly," sighed Doctor George and wrote something down in his clipboard. "Please, do tell me about it." 

Raven perked up. "Really? You won't hurt me?" 

"I really won't hurt you." 

"Awesome! Well, I suppose it all started with my parents. I mean, my ADOPTED parents. They were, like, very mean and they ABUSED me, isn't that just HORRIBLE? I NEVER felt at home there. I didn't have ANY friends at school either, because everybody hated me because I had pointy ears!" 

"Fascinating." 

"I KNOW! It's like, SO original! And then one day when I was watching CATS, I like fell through the TV-screen, and as it turns out, I'm the long-lost daughter of Munkustrap and Demeter, and I'm betrothed to the Rum Tum Tugger! Can you imagine?" 

Doctor George winced. "Unfortunately, yes. Now, my dear, I want to know one thing." 

Raven Bitca looked up, her yellow/green eyes twinkling with tears. "What?" 

"Do you want some cheese with that WHINE?" 

Mimosa giggled and turned to the students. "Alright, kiddies, what about this one? Miss Antigone?" 

Antigone, the only femslasher at OFUC, shrugged. "Well, she does angst quite a bit..." 

"That's right! I'm not forbidding angst, it's just that when she just keeps going on and on and ON about her bloody tragic life and how nobody _understands_ her and that she's all _alone_, it gets sort of boring to read after a while. Note to self: If your character angsts more than Grizabella, you're taking things too far." 

"Oh, and the whole 'my-Jellicle-parents-were-afraid-that-I-would-be-captured-by-Macavity-and-turned-me-into-a-human-to-save-me' plotline?" put in Gecka. "Been there, done that, got the bloody t-shirt. If you really feel that you have to do it, then drop the angst and make it an interesting read. It _is_ possible." 

"Now," said Mimosa. "Let us move on and take a look at out last specimen. Now, this is an interesting one. I guess you could call her a relative. Meet Cinderella, daughter of Macavity and Demeter." 

They walked over to the last room in the row, to behold a gorgeous golden queen. It was clear that she hadn't been at the Heavyside as long as the two previous Sues. Her fur was still shining, and her eyes still sparkled, and she still bore the look of superiority that the students recognized from their brief encounter with Maritza Chin Smaragde. She was wearing a diamond necklace, and she was looking at her psychiatrist with boredom. 

"Can I go now?" she asked. "My daddy wanted to buy me a pony." 

"He's not your daddy," said the tom in front of her, who Mimosa told them was Doctor Augustus. "And why would a cat want a pony?" 

"Well, _I_ don't know! Daddy said that I should have one because I was his special girl and because he loves me very much!" 

Mimosa snorted loudly. "Yes, go ahead, you spoiled little brat. Tell us what a wonderful, doting father the most dangerous cat in London is! Banish the thought that he'd ever treat his kittens badly! No, he's just a sweet old tom deep down inside... Have you even SEEN the sodding show?" 

"Is she talking to herself?" whispered D. J. Waters to Joanna. 

"I think so," Joanna answered. "Maybe she doesn't like it when people turn Macavity into a big softie." 

"Yeah, one might say that," said Mimosa and glared at Cinderella through the glass. "But dear Cindy the Terrible here has a tendency to turn everyone that gets near her into something that T. S. Eliot or Andrew Lloyd Webber _never_ imagined. They tend to morph into two-dimensional characters without any traces of their personality, there only to serve the purposes of the story. Mistoffelees, for example, did nothing but gush over her amazing magical powers and how they surpassed his own by far before the PPC showed up and dispatched of her." 

The fic-writers hissed. The _nerve_! 

"And the moral of this story is: Write the existing characters IC, or there will be much trouble," finished Mimosa. 

"And there you have it," said miss Minnaloushe, who hadn't spoken for a while. "What is rule one? Miss Starfire!" 

"A character without flaws is not a good character!" barked Starfire after a moment of desperate thinking. 

"Good! Second rule. Mister Karlitio!" 

"Careful with the angst; a character that angsts too much about a tragic past is BORING." 

"Very well, but I'd appreciate it if you'd cease with the random caps-lock, Mister Karlitio." 

"Blame Raven Bitca, miss Minnaloushe," said Karlitio and wondered silently to himself where he found the courage to talk to the course coordinator in such an impolite manner. 

Miss Minnaloushe however quirked a smile. "I plan to. Third rule. Miss Swanson!" 

Joanna twitched and searched frantically in her brain for the answer. Third rule, third rule... 

"Keep the canon characters in character!" she answered after an embarrassingly long time. 

Miss Minnaloushe nodded. "Exactly. And, since it took you such a long time to remember what is considered to be the simplest rule of them all, you are rewarded with this little treat. Agent?" 

She turned to Gecka, who picked up the jar with the captured Jellcile. It snarled and banged its tiny fists against the glass in its desire to get out. Joanna shivered. Gecka grinned sadistically and threw the jar to the fic-writer, who clumsily caught it. 

"If a Jellcile is cared for enough, is fed and played with, it turns into a Pollcile," said miss Minnaloushe calmly. "And I know that neither of you knows what that is, so I will explain. A Pollcile is, just like its relative, a small fairy-like being, but instead of causing a desire to write badfic, it gives you a truly good idea. That is something to be cherished in this day and age. Your mission, miss Swanson, is to turn this little Jellcile into a Pollcile. By the end of the term, this shall be completed, and you will receive the award of a truly Good Fic. Have you understood?" 

"Yes, miss Minnaloushe," said Joanna and swallowed. 

She looked at the Jellcile. It glared at her evilly and bared its teeth. 

"That is one menacing-looking little devil," muttered Misty and shook her head in compassion. "Sucks to be you, buddy!" 

Miss Minnaloushe paused, and then it showed up. The dangerous smile. 

"What did you just say, miss Misty?" she asked in a purring tone of voice. 

Misty's eyed widened in sudden terror. "N-nothing, miss." 

"Did you by any chance express a wish to _share_ this little inconvenience of your friend's?" 

"_No_, please, miss!" Misty gulped nervously. "I'd... really rather not." 

"Well, too bad for you! Now that I think of it, I do believe that each and every one of you would profit in this little exorcise. Mimosa?" 

The ginger queen looked up, trying to hide her grin. "Yes, miss Minnaloushe?" 

"Do you by any chance know where my students can find a Jellcile of their own?" 

"Oh, we have a lot of them! I don't think that the scientists would mind if we gave the students one each, especially not if that meant that we'd get more Good Fic out there." 

"Fabulous. If you could be so kind and lead the way..." 

"Certainly." 

And, with her entire body shaking from suppressed giggles, Mimosa led the now suddenly extremely nervous class away from the white corridor, through the waiting room, and into something that mostly looked like an auditorium. Joanna's free hand clung to her bottle of bug spray. The room was filled with Jellciles. They were everywhere, zooming through the air like speeding bullets, hundreds of pixays that fought or chased each other, while continuing to laugh their shrill laughs. 

The noise was unbelievable. The pixays sounded like arguing parakeets on a tea party. 

"One spray should do it," miss Minnaloushe informed them over the sound. "It should paralyze them long enough for you to put them in jars and bring them home. Don't forget to make little holes in the lid. Perhaps we learn through pain around here, but we're not savages. The last one to catch its specimen gets detention with the Rumpus Cat. Go! Miss Swanson, you already have yours. You stay here." 

Joanna exhaled in relief and gave her Jellcile a grateful look. She stayed put while her classmates grabbed their cans and a jar, said a prayer to their deity of choice, and went out into the fray. Miss Minnaloushe, Gecka, Mimosa and herself sat down on a bench to enjoy the view. 

"What are you calling yours?" Gecka asked Joanna curiously, nodding at the jar. 

Joanna thought for a moment. "Polly, I think," she said finally. 

Gecka grinned. "Ah. Positive thinking. I like it." 

"Thank you." 

The Agents lowered her voice. "Don't let miss Min get you down, kid. She's tough as hell, tougher than you and me because she isn't human, but she cares about some things too." 

"It seems like she hates us." 

"She doesn't hate you. She might despise you, but a part of her cares and wants you all to succeed in your studies. That's why she pushes you so hard." 

"Are you trying to tell me that she's really a big softie inside?" 

Gecka snorted. "Heaviside no! She's a vicious lunatic! She'd make a fine Agent, should she choose that path. With the insanity, I mean. She's got that part down already." She paused. "Seriously, though. She does care about the university, and she does care about canon and the Jellicles. So listen to her, kid. Try to learn something. It'll be worth it, in the end." 

Joanna nodded and looked at the jar with Polly. The Jellcile growled and kicked the glass. 

"I believe you," muttered Joanna. "Sometimes I wonder if she knows what she's doing, though." 

"She does." 

It got quiet as the two watched the other fic-writers running around, trying to spray the pixays. The Jellciles laughed nastily at them, made faces and extremely impolite gestures as the students accidentally sprayed each other in the face or tripping each other. No one wanted to receive detention. 

Joanna dared to glance at miss Minnaloushe. The course coordinator sat calmly, watching her students. She gave the impression of a gargoyle, guarding patiently as stone, never looking away or blinking. Sometimes she caught a careless pixay in the air and threw it away, confusing it so that it wouldn't come near her again, but she did it almost absentmindedly, as if it was of no importance to her. Her eyes never left her students. There was something oddly moving about the whole picture. 

Joanna shook her head and decided to watch Misty instead. Her friend had cornered a dark-haired Jellcile, and was now spraying it right in the face. Joanna gave her a smile and applauded as Misty picked up the fainted pixay and put it in her jar. With her fur all dishevelled, the Jellicle student returned to the group by the bench. She sat down next to Joanna, clutching her jar proudly. 

"Good work," said Joanna, grinning. "Was it hard?" 

"Thanks!" replied Misty, trying to get the worst ruffles out of her fur with her claws. "Yeah, it was a bit tricky in the beginning, but you get the hang of it. I got a pretty one!" She smiled at her dark-haired pixay, who was slowly regaining consciousness. "I wonder what genre it is?" 

"Give it here," said Gecka and squinted into the jar. "Ah yes. She's pretty, all right. They tend to be rather difficult to handle. She looks like a Drama fic to me. Possibly Action/Adventure, I'm not sure." 

"Sounds neat!" Misty patted her jar contentedly. "I'll make sure this one turns into a nice little Pollcile." 

"What are you going to call her?" asked Joanna. "Mine's Polly." 

"I think this one will be Alida," said Misty and nodded. "It was my grandmother's name." 

"Polly and Alida." Gecka shook her head. "Sounds like a Greek tragedy." 

One after the other, the remaining students joined them, all proudly holding jars with their captured Jellciles. A few had been bitten, and were sitting on the floor babbling incoherently about crossovers and pairings and ratings until miss Minnaloushe got up and made them recite the English cities that Skimbleshanks visited by train in his song. 

Finally, everyone had gotten a pixay and were more or less sane again. It was time to wrap up the field trip. Miss Minnaloushe thanked Mimosa (who, in turn, thanked her for the many laughs she'd gotten) and they started to make their way back to the giant Tire. With a rather small amount of threatening from miss Minnaloushe, they all got up on it and hung on to its sides as tight as they could. The could see the pink Secretary wave merrily at them, and they tried their best to wave back without loosing balance. It went so-so, but at least no one fell down. 

And slowly, the Tire started to descend from the Heavyside Layer. They were going back.

* * *

**A/N:** When I decided for a name for Joanna's Jellcile, I chose Polly because of its recemblance to "Pollicle" (or "Pollcile," even) and then I looked it up at BabyNames Dot Com. Polly means "bitter." Also it's the shortened version of Paula, which means "small." So, small and bitter. Sounds like a Jellcile all right... And Alida means "small and winged." Thought it would fit. :) Eru, I love BabyNames Dot Com...

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Krissy4:** Yeah, I figured she misspelled it. The funny thing is that she misspelled it the same way twice, so I thought "OK, so either she's doing it on purpose or something's wrong... What to do, what to do? Ah, I'll leave it in. It could be funny."  
**Mystitat:** I've seen "Jellicle" being misspelled as "Jellcile" quite a few times. It didn't seem right to just name a mini-Pollicle after it and leave it at that. I did it like this instead, just like I turned "Jellice" into something interesting. I've got "Jellical" around too, somewhere, the question is what I'm supposed to do with THAT. And Jellciles inspire BadFic, while Pollciles inspire GoodFic, just like miss Minnaloushe said in this chapter. :)  
**Tabis the Tabby:** No, I won't forgive you! Never ever ever! Heh. Just kidding. :)  
**Jemima-luvah:** Yeah, I guess it could be considered brainwashing. But to what? Into writing GoodFic? Then I'm all for it. Sorry that I didn't write a reply-thingie for you, but there are a lot of people reviewing, and it fell out of my head. No excuse, I know... But it's the best one I've got, unfortunately.  
**Eponine:** Why wouldn't I be nice to you, dear little Eppie? When you're nice enough to review with a question, I figure I'll be polite and answer. Common curtesy, that is. .:nods:.  
**Korora:** Unfortunately Maritza Chin Smaragde is in quarantine for now. She must be looked over, to see that she doesn't bring in a bunch of Sue-diseases into the Heavyside. Dreadful things, Sue-diseases... And thanks for the minis! How is it that Mungojerrie/Rumpleteazer minis always come in pairs? .:ponders:.  
Listen not to **Roman de la Croix**, my dears! She will corrupt you aaall! .:grins:.


	12. Of GrammarBootCamp

**A/N:** You guys are so cute for naming your Jellciles... :)

**Twelve: Of GrammarBootCamp and Other Things**

"So," said Joanna as they stumbled back to their car after dinner. "What are we going to do with the Jellciles? I mean, we can't keep 'em in their jars, that's inhumane."

Misty shrugged. "I'm not letting mine out in the car, just so you know. Alida seems to be a little... cranky."

She looked at her pixay. It snarled at her.

"I see what you mean." Joanna frowned. "We should probably look into a cage or something for them. Hey!" She grinned. "This is a junkyard! We should be able to find lots of things that we could use." 

Misty groaned. "Do we have to today? I'm exhausted." 

"Come on, little kitty. If we don't, then everyone else will get the good stuff. Who needs sleep?" 

"I do. Otherwise I'll get cranky." 

"You're always cranky!" 

"That's not the point!" 

"Sure it is! Now come on, and stop being such a party-pooper." 

"Fine." Misty pouted. "Let's go." 

They put down their jars and went out to look for something useful. Apparently a fair few others had gotten the same idea; they could spot Tera Earth rummaging through a pile of old clothes, perhaps in search of something soft for her Jellcile to sleep on. Ratha and Starfire were bickering over whether or not they would drag an aged washing machine and put it in the backseat of their shared car; and Richard and Kara were selecting between two rusty birdcages (one had a swing, the other had a mirror.) 

"Now let's see," mumbled Joanna and let her eyes sweep across the junkyard. "We need something... sturdy, but not too big. We must be able to carry it back with us. You think Polly and Alida can share a place?" 

"That depends," replied Misty dryly. "Do we want them both to survive until the end of the year? Pixays don't seem too keen on each other." 

"Point taken. Maybe we can divide something..." 

They went through the various assortment of trash for a good while, they even got in a fight with Sacai Stormcage about the birdcage that Richard and Kara had discarded (they had finally decided on the one with a swing) and been forced to run when the Pollicle student had started growling threateningly. 

When they finally found something, it was late. 

"That's it, I give up!" exclaimed Misty and threw herself down on the ground. "Let the little buggers live in their tiny jars for all I care. I want to sleep." 

"You're heartless," sighed Joanna. "There must be something... Hey, look!" 

She pointed happily at something that shone in the pale moonlight. It was made out of glass, and it was a wonder that it wasn't as broken as it could have been. 

It was an old aquarium. 

"It's perfect!" breathed Joanna. "Come on now and help me with it!" 

Since they had become smaller, or if it was the surrounding world that had gotten bigger when they came to OFUC, it was something of a challenge to get the aquarium back to the TSE 4. Misty whined a whole lot, and at the end even Joanna felt like collapsing, but they somehow managed to get the ungainly thing into the passenger seat of the car. 

"We should probably make it a little more homey," said Joanna. "But that can wait till tomorrow." 

"You got that right. Goodnight." 

Misty didn't even wait for a reply, she simply rolled herself up in the backseat in a very cat-like way, and soon she was snoring softly. 

Joanna yawned. It had been a very long day. She picked up her blanket and lied down on her part of the seat. Soon, she was fast asleep. 

**

...

**

They woke up to the sweet sound of mini-Pollicles barking. Loudly. Very loudly. 

"This isn't fair!" wailed Misty. "It's Saturday! We should be able to sleep in!" 

"Get up, you lazy little buggers!" came a voice from outside the car, which Joanna recognized as belonging to Ekwy. "The time is 4.49, the sun is shining... or it would, if it had been up yet, and the weather is perfect for a nice morning jog! Get UP!" 

"Jogging is evil," muttered Misty and snuggled into her seat. "We'll stay in. What can they do?" 

Joanna looked out through the dirty window and into the eyes of Bombalureena, Mistofyleis, Rumpolteaser and Mungojarry. They were growling threateningly, showing their sharp, yellowish teeth. 

"Are you one hundred percent sure that you want to know?" she asked. 

"They can't get in here." Misty looked out at the minis uncertainly. "Can they?" 

"They have a Misto-mini with them, of course they can!" 

Misty sighed deeply. "All right. Come on." 

They got out of the car and were chased by the four happily barking minis to the area by the TSE 1. On the hood of the old car sat most of the Jellicle population, all with some amount of food in front of them. They looked like they were waiting for some sort of sport event to take place, and waved merrily when they spotted the fic-writers. 

In front of the car, as body guards, stood Ekwy and Gecka. They had rather intimidating grins on their faces. 

"Anyone knows what's going on?" Joanna heard Tie Kerl ask. 

"GrammarBootCamp!" exclaimed Ekwy proudly. "We have put this off for far too long, and sooner or later you have to learn." 

"Ten hut!" howled Gecka. "Form a line, you lousy sack of Pollicle-drippings! I'll get you in shape if I have to chase you around the junkyard myself! Go! GogogogoGO!" 

The students hurried to form a straight line, which the two Agents started pacing down, inspecting their faces. 

"You!" Ekwy barked suddenly and pointed at Puredeadthingy. "Spell 'than' as in, 'I would much rather eat caviar than Strassburg Pie'!" 

"Eh..." said Puredeadthingy. "T-H-E-N?" 

"WRONG! Drop and give me twenty! Anyone else dare to give it a shot?" 

No one answered. That didn't matter, because Ekwy pointed at Aislin Kageno anyway. "You!" 

Aislin's eyes darted around her classmates for help. "T-H-A-N?" 

"Better! When do you use 'then' with an e, miss Kageno?" 

"When... saying that something took place at a later date." 

Ekwy smiled. "Good girl." Her eyes went over to the next person in line, which just happened to be Joanna. "Spell 'its' as in 'its ways are extremely annoying and vomit-inducing'!" 

Damnit. The one thing that she could never remember. "I-T-apostrophe-S?" Joanna suggested nervously. 

"WRONG! Drop down!" 

Joanna groaned, but got on her knees and started making push-ups. 

Ekwy glared at the students. "I-T-apostrophe-S is a contraction of 'it is'!" she called out. "What is it?" 

"A contraction of 'it is'!" 

"Once more with feeling! What is it?" 

"A contraction of 'it is'!" 

Gecka smirked and joined her sister in yelling at the students. "I-T-S is a term of possession, 'its habits are easy to monitor.' It's and its are not interchangeable! Repeat!" 

"It's and its are not interchangeable!" 

"Repeat!" 

"It's and its are not interchangeable!" 

"And I was just starting to like her, too," muttered Joanna as she did her sixth push-up. 

**

...

**

It is never nice to be awakened in the crack of dawn and be forced to do a lot of gymnastics before breakfast. It is even worse if a bunch of Jellicles are sitting on the hood of a car right next to you, laughing and throwing pieces of mouse-cake with bread and dried peas on your head. 

But bad things get better if you discuss it over breakfast with some friends, and that was what Joanna and Misty did. 

"I hate OFUC!" proclaimed Allison. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" 

"My entire body hurts!" wailed Zazzie and ripped her bread into tiny, tiny pieces. "There are pains in muscles I didn't even know I had!" 

"At least we don't have any classes today," said Misty and sipped her water with a grimace. "What do you suggest we do?" 

"Well, if we want to graduate and get our fanfic-licences, then we should probably take care of our Jellciles today," replied DemiGold. "You heard miss Minnaloushe. We have to tend to them so that they can be GoodFic when they grow up." 

"You're so boring," sighed Jessedandle. 

"I have to say that I'm with Demi," said Joanna. "It's either that or you can stay at OFUC and be trampled on by minis until the day you die." 

"I don't get to call a friend?" asked Misty and smiled a little. "Fine, I'm in. Hey, what do you suppose Jellciles eat?" 

"Zorn eats lettuce," informed them Ralli. She had been considerate enough to bring her pixay with her to the table, and was now stuffing small green pieces of lettuce through the breathing holes of the jar. 

Joanna took a peek inside. The red-headed Jellcile was currently ripping the lettuce into shreds before eating it, but she didn't look very pleased with it. That is, the eating part. She was very happy about the ripping-into-shreds. 

"Maybe it's not her favourite meal, exactly," said Joanna carefully. 

Ralli sighed. "No. But I tried a piece of that pie that the faculty threw at us this morning, and she wouldn't touch that at all, so I'm not really sure what to do." 

"Skillet doesn't eat anything canon," informed them Eclectica. "I've tried rice pudding, salmon paste, even curry! She won't touch it. That's probably why Zorn's not too keen on lettuce, even though she will eat it. It's too close to cabbage." 

"We have chicken on the table," said Joanna. "You think that's uncanon enough?" 

Ralli shrugged and grabbed a chicken leg. "Let's see." 

She carefully opened the lid of Zorn's jar, and dropped the food so that the pixay could eat it. For a moment, Zorn did nothing but stare at the chicken. Then she sniffed it... and then she attacked, viciously and suddenly. It was as if a tiny tornado had gone off inside the jar. None of the students could see what was happening in it, but when the fogs lifted, Zorn looked very full and nothing remained of the chicken leg but the bone. 

"Like a piranha," said Loz impressedly. "Cool." 

"Disturbing, the word is disturbing," Eclectica corrected her. 

"Yeah, that too." 

"We should probably go and check on ours now, Misty," said Joanna and got up from her chair. "They must be really hungry." 

The two grabbed a pair of chicken legs and said goodbye to their friends. 

They spent the day making the aquarium more habitable for their pixays. Misty found a piece of cardboard that they could use to separate it into two rooms, so that the Jellciles could get their privacy, and Joanna ripped an old blanket in two, thus giving their pets something soft to sleep on. The chicken legs and some water were put in jar-lids in the corners of the aquarium, and the top of the cage was covered with chicken net so that the Jellciles wouldn't escape. At the end, it was rather nice. Even Polly and Alida seemed somewhat pleased at their new home. 

Joanna and Misty sat watching the pixays for a long time. 

"They are rather cute, when they're not fighting and hissing at you," said Misty after a while. 

"Yeah, they are. You think we'll be able to tame them?" 

"Maybe. We can always hope so." 

"Misty?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Do you like it here?" 

Misty thought about it for a while. "It's... different. And we get injured a lot. But yeah. Yeah, I kinda like it anyway." 

"Me too."

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Eclectica:** Brain... shutting... down... Bad... summary... cannot... compute... .:brain sizzles and dies:.  
**Antigone:** I'm with you. CATS need more femslash.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Hm, yes... good question. I suppose all ideas could be considered good, if they are done in a good way. So your Jellcile is an idea that both you and miss Minn will like.  
**Eponine:** Well. Before I started this story, I needed a name for the course coordinator. So I surfed the 'Net for a while, and then I found a website with a bunch of quotes and poems and things about cats. And there I found the Yeats poem, and I shamelessly stole the name.  
**Jemima-luvah:** Exactly. Practice. .:smiles a little:. Why do you think I'm letting the students take care of an idea before starting to write it? Antigone was the only one who 'ships a female/female couple and wrote it specifically in her enrollment form, that's why she is technically the only femslasher. I try to keep to the enrollments when writing something that has to do with student-reviewers, otherwise things would get too complicated.  
Yeah, you can kill 'Sues in the Heavyside. But where are they gonna go once they've died again? Wisconsin?


	13. Rumours

**Thirteen: Rumours**

Time passed, because that is what time does. Days turned into weeks, and before Joanna knew it, they were well into October. The days turned shorter, and even though the junkyard was most often in a state of perpetual dawn, it got darker. Mistoffelees was however kind enough to conjure up a few balls of lightning to illuminate the twists and turns of the university, which was more than any of the students had expected from him. Magical cats works in mysterious ways. Perhaps he did it just to get Ekwy and Gecka to quit nagging him when they bumped into things. 

Classes mostly interested Joanna, although Mary-Sue and You taught by Victoria made her slightly nervous. After all she had seen at the Heavyside, she wondered if she would ever be able to create an original character that wasn't a 'Sue. It seemed impossible, but to get her fanfic-licence, she had to have accomplished this by the end of the year. 

Weekends somehow tended to fill up. If she wasn't taking care of Polly, she was trying to write something for the _Junkyard Lantern_, and if she wasn't doing that, she always had homework. The extracurricular activities on Sundays had started as well, offering courses like Music, Crocheting and Tatting, taught by Jennyanydots; Acting by Gus the Theatre Cat and Dancing by Victoria and Mistoffelees. The latter course filled up fast due to all of Mistoffelees's fangirls that signed their names as soon as miss Minnaloushe had put up the list. 

Misty was rather interested in acting, but Joanna kept with the _Lantern_. She was certain that if she really _tried_ writing something good, then Polly would reward her and turn into a Pollcile real fast. So far the pixay showed no sign of wanting to be a Good Idea at all, but Joanna was patient. 

One who wasn't, though, was Misty. 

"I don't get this," she said one day as the autumn winds blew around the corners of the TSE 4. "How in Heaviside are we supposed to make those little devils happy? It's not like we can take them out and play with them. We'd get bitten!" 

Joanna looked up from her essay about magical powers at the junkyard ("It's not just fancy lightning, you know!") and shrugged. 

"Maybe they'll calm down after a while," she said. "Hey, do you have another word for 'conjure'?" 

"'Invoke.'" 

"Thanks." 

"No problem." Misty groaned and leaned backwards. "I'm bored." 

"Then do your homework," said Joanna calmly. "That oughta keep you busy." 

"No thanks, little miss goody-two-shoes. I want to do something fun." 

"Such as?" 

"I don't know! Don't disturb me, I have to think of something." 

Joanna returned to her homework. It was strange how she took these things seriously now at OFUC, she had always been the type of person to put things up to the very last minute. Somehow, doing the right thing seemed so much more fun here. 

They spent a few minutes in silence when the only thing heard was the rasping of Joanna's pencil, and then they heard a sound. Someone was knocking on the car door. 

"Are you expecting any visitors, Jo?" asked Misty curiously. 

"Nope," said Joanna and put down her essay. "You?" 

"Not that I know of." She paused for a moment. "You think it's safe to open? Knowing this place, it could be anything out there." 

Joanna looked out the window. She could barely see a thing. Not only was the window dirty, but it was getting dark out, and the only thing she could make out was something blurry that moved spookily back and forth. 

Misty went up to the door and took a deep breath. "Ready?" 

Joanna grabbed her copy of the Iliad that she read for Naming, (it was the thickest and thereby heaviest book she had) and nodded resolutely. 

Misty opened the door, ready to face whatever menace lurking out there, and... 

"Trick or treat!" 

Misty gaped at the creatures standing outside. They did look rather peculiar. The one first spotted was a ghost, easily recognized by the tattered sheet draped over its head. From the grey-and-white fur that poked out through the many tears in the sheet, the two inhabitants of the car drew the conclusion that this was in fact Etcetera in disguise. 

Next in line was Jemima. She had wrapped long bandages (probably stolen from Jennyanydots's infirmary) around her waist and legs as best as she could, thus transforming herself into a very sloppy mummy. She tried to growl, but it sounded very unconvincing. 

Victoria had put on a witch's hat that she had probably found in a pile of garbage somewhere. It was a bit too big for her, so she was peeking out from two holes a few inches above the brim of the hat. She was also clenching what appeared to be a wand in one paw, and a plastic kettle dangled from her other arm. A mini-Pollicle stood by her feet, wearing cat-ears and a miserable expression. Joanna thought it was Jimimuh, but she wasn't sure. 

Electra was wearing a cape that was neatly tied under her chin. She had also managed to get a hold of a pair of plastic vampire fangs, but since those had been designed for a human wearer, Electra held them in her paw like a bizarre ventriloquist dummy. 

Misty and Joanna stared in silence at the sight. A part of Joanna's brain was squealing at the cuteness of the situation, but the rest of her was merely confused. 

The four kittens looked at each other and seemed to reach a decision. 

"Trick or treat!" they repeated, and Victoria shook her plastic kettle. 

"Eh... Halloween isn't yet for a couple of weeks," said Misty finally. 

"We know!" said the Etcetera ghost merrily. "But we wanted to try out our costumes for the masquerade ball at All Hallows Eve!" 

"There's gonna be a ball?" asked Joanna and blinked in surprise as Misty perked up. "When was this decided?" 

"When we found out that there was a thing called Halloween!" squeaked Jemima excitedly. 

"We have been reading about human festivities," said Victoria and nodded importantly. "And this sounded like fun, and so we figured you'd deserve a ball." 

"Aren't we generous?" beamed Etcetera. 

Misty, who was looking happier by the minute, clapped her hands. "Party! I love parties! Is Tugger going to be there?" 

Etcetera got something dreamy about her at the mentioning of Tugger's name, so Electra answered for her: "We are not allowed to tell you anything about Tugger's whereabouts, miss Minnaloushe says. She says that you people might try and glomp him." 

"Tugger likes being glomped!" protested Etcetera. 

"Maybe when YOU do it," replied Electra and grinned brightly. "But it's disturbing when fic-writers are." 

Victoria gave them both a nudge, and they looked at her dimly. She waved her kettle around. 

"Oh yeah," mumbled Etcetera and turned back to Joanna and Misty. "Trick or treat, you two!" 

"Sorry, but we don't have any candy..." said Joanna apologetically. 

"I might have something," said Misty and grinned before darting back into the car. "What a sec!" 

There was some ruffling around in the backseat, and then the fake-Jellicle showed up again. She was holding a bright yellow paper bag that Joanna hadn't seen before. The bag had a picture of a smiling cat on the front, and big, black letters printed across it stated that this was "Bustopher Jones' Shrimp Delights." 

"Here we go," said Misty cheerfully. 

"Where did you get that?" asked Joanna. 

"The kitchen," her roommate replied. "I couldn't sleep the other night, so I went there to get a snack. Macavity's henchcats are very nice, you know. I got an entire bag of these babies!" 

She rattled the bag. Joanna frowned. 

"You sure there's nothing wrong with them? I mean... the cafeteria personnel are _evil_, after all. Maybe they tampered with it." 

"Nah, I've had tons of the stuff," said Misty and shrugged. "There's nothing wrong with it. Okay guys, here we go!" 

The four Jellicle kittens held out their paws (except for Victoria, who held out her plastic kettle), and Misty properly gave them two treats each. 

"Thank you!" chirped Etcetera. "Happy Halloween!" 

Joanna and Misty gave them a wave, and then they closed the door. 

"So," said Misty and rubbed her paws together. "A party, huh." 

"Seems you got your wish. Something fun did happen, after all." 

Joanna sunk back down with her homework, but it was harder for her to concentrate now. Her head was filled with thoughts, very, very interesting thoughts. 

A ball. The canons would most certainly be there. Knowing the Jellicles, there would be dancing. It was the perfect opportunity to win the heart of the magical cat! She only had to think out a beautiful dancing routine, and when he saw her he would fall in love instantly. And then they'd dance together, and she'd be envied by all... 

From the look on Misty's face, the Tugger fangirl had thought of the same thing. She looked pensive. 

'I'll have to find something good to wear,' thought Joanna, making a mental list. 'And I need to maybe find some make-up, and figure out what to do with my hair...' 

Forgotten was the homework, forgotten were the thoughts of graduating and getting her writer's licence. She could only think about Mistoffelees now, and how he'd fall for her. 

Misty sighed dreamily from her seat. "I can hardly wait for Halloween," she purred. 

**

...

**

The following day, the entire university was humming with the rumours of the party. Apparently, Etcetera and her friends had been around everywhere, spreading the news, and now no one could concentrate on school. Also, a few students had gotten their cars pelted with cabbage since they didn't have a treat when the kits came knocking. The school smelled a lot worse than it usually did, and since it was a junkyard, that was quite a bit. 

Miss Minnaloushe wasn't sure of this at all. The canons had enough trouble with fangirls as it was; she couldn't even begin to imagine what a party would do. Hormones would be all over the place. 

"Don't worry, miss Minn," said Ekwy soothingly and reached up to pat the course coordinator on the shoulder. 

She thought better of it at the last moment and withdrew. Miss Minnaloushe harrumphed. 

"There will be a carnage," she muttered. "Fangirl screeches will fill the air, and the ground will tremble from the stomps of their feet as they stampede..." 

"How very poetic of you," said Old Deuteronomy and chuckled. "Do not fret, my dear. We can fight for ourselves." 

"Against a horde of fangirls attacking at once?" Miss Minnaloushe shook her head. "I don't think so." 

"Then Gecks and I will help out." Ekwy smiled a little. "C'mon now. They work hard. They deserve one night of fun." 

The course coordinator sighed in defeat. "Very well. But I will most certainly not attend this travesty." 

She swept away elegantly, leaving the Agent and the tribe leader alone in the corridor. Ekwy shook her head with an amused smile. 

"She'll be there," she said calmly. "She doesn't trust us for a minute to keep things in order. She is something of a perfectionist, I've gathered." 

Old Deuteronomy chuckled again. "Indeed." 

The two started walking towards the faculty area. 

"So," said Ekwy conversationally. "What do the Jellicles think of this idea?" 

"Oh, they are looking forward to it." The old cat smiled fondly. "You know us, we're always in favour of a good party. I believe most of them are practicing new dance steps as we speak. And Jennyanydots is busy in the kitchen, planning out the menu with Macavity's henchcats. I think everyone is planning on a wonderful time." 

"That's good to hear." Ekwy frowned. "Err... What about the Twins? Are they preparing as well?" 

Coricopat and Tantomile were still working on what to do with the Jellice. More of the pink dessert arrived each day, and even though it tasted good enough, the faculty had eaten enough to never want to see it ever again. 

Deuteronomy nodded slowly. "I think so. I have not heard much from them lately. Perhaps they have reached a vital point in their research?" 

"Perhaps. It kind of worries me, though." 

"Don't. Neither of them has any fangirls, most of the students seem afraid of them. There is no reason to worry." The oold cat patted her on the head. 

Old Deuteronomy was rarely wrong, but now he was. There was reason to worry. Just not about the things he thought.

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**BlackRoseTiger:** I knew Twitch had to come from this place! Only a OFUC-reader would bother to check out my website. :) I can't wait for the Official Fanfiction University of Animorphs... And I know the last chapter was a little boring, but I'll try and make up for that.  
**Eclectica:** Your description was quite enough. .:is still twitching:.  
**Lyrange:** Miss Minn is a busy Ironwing! She doesn't have time to appear in every singly chapter. :)  
**Antigone:** You're sweet. :) Unfortunately, sooner or later, this story has to end. It will be a good while before that happens, though. I have so many ideas...  
**Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf:** Sure, you can still enroll even if you don't know a lot about CATS. And **Korora**, having a Lust Object is not mandatory. I have a few students here that doesn't have one. Should you choose to enroll, I'll let you hang with those guys.. :)


	14. New Arrivals

**A/N:** I appreciate you telling me that there are spelling errors in the new chapters. Although it would help if you, you know, SAID where they were, so that I don't have to read through the darned thing to find them...Just sayin'. :)

**Fourteen: New Arrivals**

When Coricopat and Tantomile appeared for Crossover Class the following day, they were both grinning smugly. The students moved away nervously; knowing that nothing good ever came from faculty members looking smug.

"Please, be quiet," said Tantomile softly. 

The students piped down. The Twins had that effect on people. 

"Thank you," said Coricopat, nodding his head. "Today, we are going to discuss Do's and Don'ts for writing crossover fics. Now, we know that a few of you have written crossovers. Can you tell us what fandom you used?" 

The students looked at each other. Finally, Jemima-luvah said: "Harry Potter." 

Coricopat nodded. "Very well. Anything else?" 

"Grease!" came from Lyra. 

"The Phantom of the Opera!" 

"Les Misérables!" 

"Little Shop of Horrors!" 

"A lot of musicals, we hear," mumbled Tantomile and thoughtfully patted Tantomille on the head. "And... how do you write a crossover?" 

"Well," said Joanna, who had written one or two crossovers in her days, "first you cast your characters. Like Tugger, he could play Danny Zuko, because they're sort of alike, and Etcetera could be Sandy, and Bombalurina could be Rizzo! And then you make them... act." 

"Act, as in 'act out the entire movie of Grease' act?" asked Coricopat calmly. 

"Yes! I mean... no. I mean yes..." 

"With all the original lyrics from Grease, that has only been altered slightly, if even at all?" 

Joanna suddenly got very nervous. "Eh... yes?" 

Tantomile sighed. "Ah yes, the classic crossover trap when writing in musical-fandoms. We just have to ask... What do you want to accomplish with writing something like that? If you're only retelling the plot of Grease in a CATS environment, then what is it that makes your story original? When people already know how it ends, why should they read it at all? What do you have to offer?" 

"Not everything has to be serious writing," muttered Vicki. "I've read a lot of good stories that doesn't have a real plot..." 

She winced when the Twins turned their heads to look at her. 

"We know that you don't have to be a Pulitzer prize winner to write good fanfiction," murmured Coricopat, his mesmerizing eyes boring themselves into Vicki's. "And this class is not meant to offend anyone writing those sorts of stories. We're only here to offer an alternative." He turned to the rest of the class again. "Crossovers are a tricky business. You have to know both fandoms very well, and you have to know where they can plausibly be merged together and where they're extremely different. Let's take a well-spread fandom as an example..." 

He walked up to the seemingly broken overhead projector that lay on the ground in the front of the class, and he and his sister did a few gestures with their paws above it. To everyone's surprise, the projector lit up, showing the image of the CATS logo to the left of the white paper hung up as a blackboard in the class area. The right side of the paper was empty, but Corciopat and Tantomille the mini-Pollicles carefully placed another image to reflect on it. 

The second image was of a black-haired boy with brilliant green eyes behind round glasses. He was holding a wand in one hand, and a broomstick in the other. 

"Harry Potter," said Tantomile, and a couple of HP fangirls squealed excitedly in the background. "Now, writing a CATS/HP crossover is actually not that hard. They both take place in the same country, which makes it a whole lot easier. Also, cats are among the animals that students are allowed to bring to Hogwarts. Some sort of magic exists in both fandoms, and London plays a vital part. Nothing really stands in the way of a crossover, does it?" 

Korora raised his hand. "Isn't the magic very different between them? I mean, I've never seen Dumbledore or anyone throwing lightning from their hands... And Mistoffelees has never used a wand." 

"An excellent point," said Coricopat and awarded Korora with one of his rare smiles. "Of course, we highly doubt that any characters from the Harry Potter universe has any idea that cats have magical powers at all. If we, Mistoffelees or Macavity are in the story, then make it a point to show us, the readers, that the magic is different. It could be interesting, to see the wizarding world from the perspective of a cat. Now, the next example..." 

He nodded at Corciopat and Tantomille, who changed the image of Harry Potter to one of a man wearing a white mask that covered half his face. There was something extremely sad over his figure from where he sat by an organ, seemingly deeply engulfed in his music. 

"Erik!" shrieked Misty and clapped her hands, her eyes gleaming. 

The Twins winced at the shrillness of her voice. 

"Yes, yes," said Tantomile and sighed tiredly. "It is the Phantom of the Opera. No need to get so worked up about it. Now... CATS characters acting out the Phantom plot aside, how can these two stories come together? Or maybe, to make it easier for you, what makes them implausible to cross over?" 

Diablo waved a hand. "They're in different countries!" 

"And in different times!" added Arakasema. 

Tantomile nodded. "Yes. There is however one small little possibility that you can use, if you really want to. Anyone dares a guess?" 

The class was silent. A few people looked like they might have an idea of what she talked about, but no one dared a guess. 

Coricopat smiled again. "In the Susan Kay version of the Phantom of the Opera, Erik is the very proud owner of a Siamese. Her name is Ayesha." 

"Ohhh..." soughed the class. 

"Indeed." 

Joanna was suddenly struck by an idea, and she raised her hand. 

"Yes, miss Swanson?" 

"Well, I was just wondering... The Jellicles... They get reborn, right?" 

"Yes," said Tantomile. "We think that ought to be obvious by now." 

"Then this Ayesha, she could have been a Jellicle? I mean, have the soul of a Jellicle? Then she could, theoretically, come from a tribe resembling the Jellicles in London, with basically the same people." 

Both Twins were smiling now. "You're getting it," they chorused. 

"Maybe a CATS/PotO crossover would sound impossible," said Coricopat. 

"But you can most often find a loophole and create something good," his sister added. 

"All you have to do is think it over first," they finished together. 

"So, basically, to be able to write a CATS crossover," said Joanna, mostly to herself, "all you need is a character that has a cat, and work from there." 

"Yes, something like that," said Tantomile and nodded. 

"But... there must be some fandoms that just cannot be crossed over with CATS?" 

The Twins looked pensive for a moment. 

"There is none that we can think of right now," said Coricopat, finally. "We'd suppose that Star Wars would be somewhat implausible, because why would anyone bring a cat out into space, but that can of course be discussed. Then, we are not certain of every single fandom in the world. We can be wrong. In the end, it is always your call." 

Coricopat and Tantomile looked at the students seriously. 

"Remember that," they said together, their voices entwined in each other so that they sounded like one. "In the end, you make the decision. Class dismissed."

**

...

**

"That was an interesting lesson," said Roman de la Croix on the way to lunch. She was grinning somewhat unsettlingly, and there was a bounce in her steps that had been there ever since she'd found out that they'd have Coricopat and Tantomile teaching a class. 

"I quite agree," said her roommate Antigone, who had an almost identical grin on her face. 

"Just because you two stayed behind and asked the Twins embarrassing questions," muttered Korora. 

"They were not embarrassing!" protested Roman. "They were perfectly reasonable and important to my story. I want to write a Coricopat/Tantomile pairing, and I'm simply doing my research like a good little student." She smirked. 

"And I wanted the inside scoop about the _real_ relationship between Jemima and Cassandra," put in Antigone. "Because those two are so totally together..." 

"You two are sick." 

"Different. We're _different_." 

Joanna and Misty chuckled to themselves as they followed Roman and Antigone into the cafeteria, which was today serving Argentine joint, potatoes and greens. Or rather, it would have, had not Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer -- out of habit, of course -- stolen the joint and carried it off somewhere to feast. 

"What's next on the schedule for today?" asked Joanna as she scarfed down her lunch. 

Misty, who was thoroughly enjoying a bowl of cream, picked up her schedule and looked through it while cleaning her whiskers. 

"Jellicle Relations," she said and returned to her cream. "Have you finished writing your story for the _Lantern_?" 

Joanna shook her head. "Not yet. I'm getting there, though. I think. What about you?" 

"Turned mine in yesterday. Maybe I'll get it back toda..." 

She didn't finish her sentence. Suddenly her eyes had grown big, her mouth dropped open, and she was staring at something just behind Joanna. 

Her roommate turned around, and it was like someone had hit her over the head with a mallet. 

_Someone_ had entered the cafeteria. Someone none of them had seen before. Someone who was very... male, and very, err, interesting to look at. 

He was an Ironwing, just like miss Minnaloushe. His wings were the same stormy grey as hers, although his shimmered faintly in bronze as the light brushed past them. His piercing blue eyes seemed to look straight through the students. He gave the appearance of a bird of prey, constantly ready to strike. 

A few of the fangirls prone to passing out did so, which caused a bemused smile to spread over the male Ironwing's face. He shouldn't have done that. The moment the fangirls saw it, they leapt up from their chairs and started running towards him, something hungry gleaming in their eyes. 

"Bad idea," whispered Misty. "Oh, such a bad idea..." 

Joanna couldn't speak. She was too horrified. She had though miss Minnaloushe was bad... but she couldn't imagine what OFUC would be like with _two_ Ironwings on campus. 

The fangirls, hypnotized by the sudden overdose of pretty, paid no heed to the fact that this creature could quite possibly kill them without even trying. They sped up... they squealed... and they glomped. 

At first the Ironwing's eyes widened in surprise, and then he reacted. His wings were raised in some form of protection against the wave of fangirls, and his hands shot out, grabbing Mystitat and D.J. Waters by the throat and lifting them up in the air. The girls quickly came out of their lusting craze and gasped for breath. 

His grasp hardened mercilessly. The whole thing would have turned into something that Mistoffelees and the Twins would have to fix later on, if not a metal feather had suddenly whined through the air and embedded itself into the Ironwing's shoulder. He hissed in pain and let go of Mystitat and D.J., who both fell to the floor with a thud. There they lied for a second or two, wheezing air back into their lungs. 

The Ironwing whipped around and caught sight of miss Minnaloushe, who was standing in the doorway, glaring at him. He glared back. 

"That was not very polite," he said finally. 

"Since when have you cared about such things, Kihr?" she replied coldly. "And what, may I ask, is the meaning of this?" 

She gestured towards the fangirls, who had, wisely enough, recognized the feather and hurried to a place safe from the wrath of miss Minnaloushe. 

Grimacing, Kihr pulled out the feather from his shoulder and threw it away. "They were attacking me. I should have the right to defend myself." 

"Yes, you should. Unfortunately, these students are under my protection. 'Should' does not apply. What are you doing here?" 

Kihr smiled, and Joanna felt a cold chill running down her spine. That smile was eerily like the one miss Minnaloushe smiled from time to time. 

"Ah, my dear," he said. "That is no way you say hello to your cousin, now is it?"

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Jemima-luvah:** Sure you can graduate with Black Rose... It's certainly good enough for Miss Minn to like it, and if she approves then it's good enough for me. And I've reviewed that story now, just so you know.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Thy will is my command...  
**Eponine:** You don't have to worry. We're not even into Halloween yet, and I'm planning to write the whole year at OFUC. So this story's not going to end any time soon.  
**Aislin of the Shadows:** If you'd draw a picture of that, there would be no end to my delight. :)


	15. Random Things

**A/N:** I love you all so, so much. .:gives all of you Jellice for being sweet and reviewing, thus brightening my day:.

**Fifteen: Random Things**

Miss Minnaloushe was pacing her office angrily. She did that a lot, but now she was furious, and that showed clearly. Her wings were flapping constantly, the wind they caused made papers blow around and opened books on the desk.

Kihr was watching her in amusement, his arms crossed over his broad chest. Miss Minnaloushe's eyes glowed dark red as she swept around and glared at him.

"You are not welcome here, Kihr," she hissed through clenched teeth and stopped her pacing. "This is not your territory, and you don't belong! I _demand_ to know the reason for this intrusion!"

She stomped her foot on the ground. Kihr chuckled.

"Honestly, Minnaloushe," he said, grinning. "Behaving like a mortal child does not suit you. I am... merely here for moral support to you, dear cousin." 

Miss Minnaloushe snorted. "Your presence is not acquired. I want you to leave." 

"Oh, you're hurting my feelings!" Kihr pressed a hand against his chest, as if mortally wounded by her behaviour. "Why can't I stay here? I'll help. I can... teach?" 

"You lack discipline. And what in the world do you know about the CATS fandom anyway?" 

Kihr didn't answer. A thought struck miss Minnaloushe, and she sighed. 

"Kihra kicked you out again, didn't she?" 

"A temporary glitch," said Kihr and shrugged. "She'll get back to loving me soon enough. But until then..." Suddenly he looked miserable, and his wings wilted. Miss Minnaloushe knew what would happen next. "Can I stay with you? Just for a little while, so that Kihra can cool down and return to worship the ground I fly above?" 

Miss Minnaloushe glared at him again. "Kihr Ironwing, you are a disgrace to your relatives and your people." 

Kihr nodded submissively. "Yes." 

"And I'm surprised that Kihra even looked at you twice." 

"So am I. I am scum." 

"And you really have to stop being so stubborn around her, when you _know_ the laws of the Ironwings..." 

"Of course, cousin. You're very wise, and I should listen to you." 

Miss Minnaloushe placed her hands at her sides and looked at him with distaste. "Drop the act, Kihr. I do not appreciate being mocked. Fine. But if you're staying, then you'd better make yourself useful. I will not allow any slacking." 

Kihr grinned. "Absolutely. I'll take good care of the little kiddies, don't you worry." 

The course coordinator regarded him coolly. "If you lay as much as a finger on one of my students," she said slowly, "I swear by all our gods that I will kill you." 

**

...

**

During the next few days, Joanna saw Kihr rather frequently. He was most often busy with doing labour work, such as scrubbing the TSE 1 (while muttering things about "beneath me" and "stupid, rusty old piece of junk") or keeping the hallways of OFUC free from dust. She figured that Kihr mustn't be very well liked by miss Minnaloushe, or else the course coordinator wouldn't have treated him in such a way. 

Ah well. She didn't have time to worry about the Ironwing, she was way too busy with more important things. Halloween was closing in, and she still didn't have any idea on what to dress up as. 

_It has to be something sexy_, she scribbled on a note to Misty, as Macavity went on about his levitation powers. ("I've read many stories about me 'hitting someone in the chest with my powers of levitation.' Does any of you know what LEVITATION is?") _not slutty. I want Misto to notice me, not think I'm cheap. know what I mean?_

She pushed over the note to her friend, who, without taking her eyes off Macavity, snatched it and hold it in her lap under the desk to read it. She turned it over, grabbed her pencil and wrote a response, which she then sneakily passed over to Joanna. 

_10-4. what did u have in mind?_

Joanna thought it over. 

_I want real dress. but no dresses on campus. big problem. what are u going as?_

_dunno. ghost maybe. but then Etcie will think I'm stealing her idea. bad. so dunno._

_u'd make good zombie. _

Misty grimaced and poked her tongue out when Macavity didn't see. Joanna grinned widely. 

The lesson ended, and the class dissolved into chatter, as per usual. Today, the subject was rather obvious. The Halloween Ball. 

"I've found this awesome leather jacket that someone threw away," said Indes, beaming. "I think it'll make a cool pair of bat-wings, with a little adjusting..." 

"You're lucky," sighed Josh. "The only thing I found was an old Jack O' Lantern. And a rubber rat." He squeezed the rat, and it squeaked miserably. "I don't really know what to do with it, though." 

"It's gross," said DemiGold and frowned. "You really should throw it away." 

The fake-tom groaned. "I can't! It's this stupid Jellicle body! It wants it to play with, and I can't throw it away." 

"I'm thinking about piracy," pondered Roman de la Croix, paying them no heed. "I think I'd make a hot pirate queen." 

"I have a bandana you could borrow," offered Snowie generously. 

"Cool!" 

"Isn't it weird that there are so many cool things on this junkyard?" Joanna asked Misty. "I mean, you'd think there would be mostly... well, junk." 

"My theory is that the faculty is planting out stuff for us to use," said Misty. "They're very sneaky." 

"Then why can't they plant out something that Misto'd think is nice, so that I can impress him?" 

Misty laughed. "It probably doesn't work that way, Jo." 

"It's not fair." 

"But that's the way it is." 

**

...

**

Halloween came. Joanna finally decided on going to the party as a flower, wearing pale, red petals made out of felt in a collar around her head. Misty had, in a fit of desperation, proceeded to wrap tinfoil around her body, proclaiming to be leftovers. 

They hadn't been allowed into the area around the TSE 1 all day while the faculty decorated the place. Occasionally they had heard the giggles of the kittens and Rumpleteazer, or the mumbled incantations of Mistoffelees as he conjured up one ball of light after the other. No one dared to enter the area. The mini-Pollicles patrolling the way in made sure of that. 

As dusk fell over the campus, Joanna practiced her dance routine one last time. She was very proud over it. It had a lot of those spinning and jumping things that Mistoffelees did in his song, she'd put them in especially for him. Tonight was the night. Tonight, she would make him fall for her. 

"And we all say, oh, well I never, was there ever, a cat so clever as the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees," she sang while looking at her reflection in the rear-view mirror to see if it looked good. 

It did look good. True, she was far from as flexible as, say, Victoria, but that wouldn't matter. In the end, the only thing she really needed to do was to look him deeply into his eyes, and they would both know, just know, that they were perfect for each other. 

"Busy with your lusting, are you?" said Misty's voice from behind her. "Come on, I'm all done now, so we'd better get a move on." 

Joanna turned to watch her tinfoiled friend. "Yes, yes, I'm coming." 

"Oh, wait..." 

Misty took a peek into the mirror, licked her paw and carefully stroke down a tuft of fur on her head. Joanna shivered. 

"That is really gross." 

Misty grinned at her, her feline eyes gleaming. "Quiet you. I'm more hygienic than you are." She frowned momentarily and suddenly started to cough violently. After a moment or two, she coughed up a hairball. "Okay. I agree. It's totally gross. But at least I look pretty cool." 

She gave her tail an admiring look. "Okay, let's go." 

They met other students along the way to the TSE 1. The costumes were rather spectacular, and Joanna started to believe that Misty had been right when saying that someone had to have helped them finding all those things. Of course, a few had settled with wrapping toilet paper around themselves as mummy bandages, but Joanna could see a lot of people that had really put an effort into their masks. 

She spotted Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West from 'Wicked', chatting with a fairy. A red Jellicle wearing Devil's horns was nervously stomping around, asking everyone if they'd seen her trident. Pocahontas giggled at something funny the Phantom had said, and a bunny glared viciously at a fox when it playfully snapped after its tail. 

"This could just possibly be the most bizarre thing I've ever seen," said Misty. She looked like she was about to start giggling herself. 

"Me too," said Joanna. 

They reached the TSE 1. And to describe it fully, a new paragraph is needed. 

Kihr had polished the old car until it gleamed and reflected the moonlight so that the students almost had to squint. Garlands with tiny lights had been arranged neatly around the Tire, illuminating the area. The lights were evidently magical in nature, for they also floated in the air around them. The opening of the pipe was covered with a dark red drape, maybe because it looked nicer that way. A table had been placed in front of it, which was wavering under the weight of all the food that had been placed on it. Music was playing, and in the middle of the floor, the Jellicles were dancing. 

Granted, it didn't look _exactly_ like it did at the Jellicle Ball. On the other hand, they seemed more relaxed dancing like this. 

The Rum Tum Tugger was tangoing around the place with Jennyanydots, who looked like she had never had this much fun. Tumblebrutus and Etcetera were dancing, the latter constantly peering at Tugger to see if he would ever ask her to dance. Mistoffelees waltzed slowly with Victoria, which made some of his fangirls gnash their teeth. 

Old Deuteronomy, who was wearing a Santa hat, sat perched on the Tire with miss Minnaloushe. She didn't have a costume, but she seemed somewhat more relaxed than usual. Maybe even miss Minnaloushe could get into the mood to party once in a while. Kihr sat next to her, apparently sulking about something. 

"So, what do you want to do?" asked Joanna. 

"I was planning to stalk Tugger until he agrees to dance with me," said Misty. "But I suppose that could wait till later. I'm hungry." 

"Then go and get a snack. I'm going to show Misto my da..." 

She stopped talking and groaned. Mistoffelees was already completely surrounded by fangirls. 

"Misto, I've thought up a dance for you!" said Lolita eagerly and took a few steps. "I call it 'A Celebration to the Magical Cat'! Look!" 

She twirled a little, and was then pushed aside by Ratha. 

"No, look at _my_ dance, Misto! _My_ dance has pirouettes!" 

"Misto, Misto, will you dance with me?" 

"Shut up, he wants to dance with me!" 

"Both of you bugger off, it's obvious that he and I are true loves! Misto, Misto, isn't my dress pretty?" 

They closed in on him in a smaller and smaller circle, until he was barely visible behind them. Joanna could see him whisper something to Victoria, who nodded. A second later, they were both gone. 

The fangirls harrumphed offendedly. 

"Bloody ungrateful git," muttered Kaylyn and adjusted the princess crown she wore. "I think I'll start fangirling Tugger instead. At least he appreciates it more." 

"Hear, hear," agreed Nix, brushing some invisible dust off his cape. 

Joanna sighed. Ah well, Misto'd come back sooner or later. And when he did, she would be waiting with her dance. She shrugged and went away to look for Misty.

* * *

**A/N:** Cookies to whoever gets from which movie I stole the idea of people dressing up as leftovers!

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Krissy4:** It's pronounced like... "Kiiir."  
**Aislin of the Shadows:** Good for you! .:grins:.  
**TameranianRaven:** That depends on how you write it. I'm sure it's possible. Just... don't make the OC the center of the story. Focus more on the other cats, so that they don't get overshadowed by this new person. And for Someone's sake, write them in character. And make sure that your OC really has REAL flaws, not the cutesy-wutesy "oh, my fur is naturally pink!" thing that the Secretary is trying to pull off...  
**Mystitat:** No, no grudges, I promise. But that was the part I was writing when I read your review about wanting to be in the story again, so that's the deal. Heh.  
**Eclectica:** Rocky Horror? Dude... That should be interesting. I will be reading that, should you ever post it.  
**Korora:** Ack! The many various misspellings of "Jellicle"! Illness, you say? Hm...  
**Eponine:** Because the Phantom doesn't leave the Opera House, and the Jellicles will probably not go to Paris any time soon? Same with Les Mis. Unless you want to go into time-travel... But I beg of you, please don't. About the JCS crossover idea... I say: Maybe. If done correctly, and it has a plausible reason for being crossed over with.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Yes, I am aware of that. :) And yeah, I've been drawing on a map over the OFUC campus... The question is if anyone will ever see it, since my household lacks a scanner. We'll just have to see.  
About you guys doing sideline stories... I really want to say "please leave the matter of OFUC to me" on this one. A part of me is very flattered however, so I suppose short anecdotes could be okay. Let me do the teaching, though. What's happening "behind the scenes" is okay, but I handle the education. Stay faithful to what I've written already. And don't forget to credit Miss Cam for the concept of fanfiction universities, and myself for OFUC.


	16. Much Pain and a Flashback

**A/N:** Over 200 reviews! I'm so proud... .:sniffles:.

**Sixteen: Much Pain and a Flashback**

The next day, Joanna woke up in the infirmary. She couldn't remember how she'd gotten there, but when she tried to stand up, her body ached like nothing else had ever ached. It felt like something had broken every bone in her body, and then allowing them to heal the wrong way. Her skin prickled as if stung by a thousand needles. And, which she noticed as she sniffed her clothes, she was smelling strongly of strawberries.

"Oh, dearie, you shouldn't try to move just yet," came the kind voice of Jennyanydots, who was standing by her side. "Take it easy. You have a lot of healing to do, and I suspect that you're rather weak at the moment."

Joanna blinked. Even that hurt. "What... happened?" she mumbled hoarsely. 

Jennyanydots calmly dabbed the student's forehead with a moistened cloth. "You mean you don't remember?" 

"No..." 

Joanna frowned. She had vague recollections of the past evening. She remembered... dancing. And... having fun. And she thought she could remember a magic show as well, with Mistoffelees performing, showing them one trick after the other. She had barely drooled at all. She had felt extremely proud about that fact. And then... then... 

Strawberries. Why were the strawberries important? 

"Well, you did hit your head rather badly," said Jenny and sighed. "You're not the only one, my dear. A lot of people ended up here after last night." 

"Was it... mini-Pollicles?" 

Jenny smiled. "Oh no, dearie. Strong as they may be, they're not resilient enough to wreak such havoc. Actually, I believe they all went into hiding after the... incident. I haven't even seen 'Dots around, and she's usually so brave." 

She was referring to her own mini, Jennyany-Dots, who was rather small but made up for her size by being spunkier than the rest of her kin. She could usually be found taunting Macvity, Macaivity, Mcavity and McCavity, all of them rather intimidating minis. So if 'Dots had run off to hide, something bad had definitely happened last night. 

"We didn't... stampede anything, did we?" asked Joanna nervously. 

She remembered the last time they had tried a collective stampede, and the punishment they had received by miss Minnaloushe. Sometimes she had nightmares about having to clean the entire university by herself, with the entire faculty chasing after her, waving whips of fire around and shouting at her in languages she didn't understand. 

Joanna shivered. If that was the reason, that they had glomped the canons, then she really didn't want to find out exactly how mad miss Minnaloushe was. 

But Jennyanydots shook her head again. "No, you didn't stampede. Actually, I think you did rather good. You behaved, and we were very proud. Of course, it wasn't your fault, the thing that happened. I'm sure the Twins didn't know exactly how bad things were going to get, once they'd freed their new invention..." 

"Invention?" Joanna repeated. "What invention?" 

Jenny pretended that she hadn't heard the question. "Anyway, your friend Misty is here to see you. She was one of the lucky ones. She got away with barely a scratch. A lot of students were not that fortunate, I'm afraid." She turned around and waved for Misty to come closer. "I'll leave you two alone." 

Beneath her fur, Misty looked very pale. Her right arm was in a sling, and she had some scratches on her face, but otherwise she seemed fine. She gave Joanna a weak smile as she sat down by her side. 

"Hey," she said softly. "You gave me quite a fright. How are you feeling?" 

"Okay," said Joanna and tried to shrug, but it turned into a grimace of pain instead. "No wait, scratch that. I don't feel so good." 

"Yeah, I can imagine that." Misty hesitated. "You... don't remember what happened, do you?" 

"No. Jenny wouldn't tell me." 

"Okay... er... Well, to put it bluntly, you sort of... died last night." 

Joanna bolted up straight, not caring about the pain in her sore bones. "WHAT?" 

Misty put up her paws in front of her face to protect herself in case of hysteria. "It's okay, the magicians fixed it! I mean, you're not still dead! I mean, you should be fine now!" 

"How?" asked Joanna through clenched teeth. "How did I die? What _happened_? Misty, you've got to tell me!" 

"Okay, fine, calm down!" Misty sighed. "But I... don't remember every little detail. So bear with me, okay?" 

Joanna nodded impatiently. It was strange that she took this so seriously. She knew that students died rather often at OFUC. It wasn't such a big deal, honestly, you just sort of passed out and then you woke up in the infirmary with a scolding Jennyanydots nearby, who had nothing but Aspirin to offer for the pain. Joanna knew of a fair few students that had died more than once. Apparently a few of the more deranged ones had a competition to see who could die the most times before Christmas break. 

Theoretically she knew that the process involved some deal with the Everlasting Cat, but that was all she'd figured out. Now she looked at Misty with disbelief in her eyes. 

Misty opened her mouth and began... 

**

...

**

_Twelve hours earlier..._

Misty looked around to spot her friend. Joanna was watching Mistoffelees, who was standing on stage with a large top hat in one paw. He did a magical gesture at the opening of the hat, released a little of the power that dwelt within him... and then he started to pull one little kitten after the other out of the hat. 

"Magical!" bellowed the Rum Tum Tugger cheerfully and applauded. 

The students cheered in ecstasy, and Mistoffelees blushed slightly. This made a few of his fangirls drool, but they restrained themselves from glomping him. They knew that the Canon Bodyguards were nearby, and they did have some sense of self-preservation. 

Misty wasn't interested. Sure, Mistoffelees had his moments when he could be kind of hot, but she much preferred the Maine Coon standing beside him. She had been sitting closer to the stage when Tugger was playing the bagpipes earlier, and now she was all fangirled out for the time being. She was completely satisfied with standing by the food table, stuffing herself with cream and delicious winkles while keeping one eye on the stage in case Tugger would come back up. 

Mistoffelees bowed and left the stage. His number was over, and his fangirls sighed in disappointment. The Jellicles to perform next were Coricopat and Tantomile. At least, that's what everyone thought. 

The Twins went up on the stage. 

"We have an announcement to make," they said together. 

"An important announcement," added Coricopat. 

"Our masterpiece is completed... And she is indeed a work of art. We wish to introduce her, if we may." 

"What is this masterpiece?" asked miss Minnaloushe. 

The Twins merely smiled mysteriously and bowed. Then they went up to the red drape in front of the pipe's opening, and they pulled them aside... 

Misty stared. She knew that everyone else did so too. And how could they not stare? 

It was _huge_. It must have been at least ten feet tall, and almost the same in breadth. The air suddenly filled with the sickenly sweet smell of artificial strawberries, so strong that Misty's eyes teared. She couldn't stop looking at it. Cold generated from its massive, pink body, that looked like it was made from jell-o more than anything else. 

It looked at the students with large, pink eyes. It seemed surprised, although Misty couldn't for the life of her understand how a big blob could look anything but... well, blob-like. And then it howled. 

**

...

**

Joanna looked sceptically at her friend. "A pile of pink goo? That's what everyone are so afraid of?" 

Misty shivered. "You didn't see it coming. You... it... Oh, just let me finish the story, will you?" 

**

...

**

It started to move. And it moved fast, much faster than you could expect from something that big. The Twins tried to stop it by shouting commands in a language that Misty had never heard before but supposed was magical in nature, but it had no effect at all. 

The students closest to the stage were completely mowed down. Misty saw Joanna's frightened face as her friend disappeared under the body. She heard bones crack, and muffled screams. She saw it all, unable to move with terror, and the thing just kept getting closer. 

Suddenly she was knocked to her side, and crashed into Puredeadthingy. Both students fell into a pile, with a Jellicle over them. Terrified though she was, Misty still recognized him as Plato. 

"Run!" the tom hissed and clawed at them. "Run, you stupid girls!" 

When Misty didn't move, Plato pulled her to her feet with surprising speed, and then turned to see if there was anything he could do. 

Misty helped Puredeadthingy, and both girls took off running as fast as they could. The last thing Misty remembered was something grabbing her by her ankles and throwing her into the air... and then things went dark. 

**

...

**

"And as you can see," finished Misty with a gesture towards her injured arm, "I didn't exactly escape with ease. I got off easy, though. I was lucky." 

Joanna blinked. "How... how many people died?" she asked weakly. 

Joanna shrugged with one shoulder. "At least twenty people. That's around half the student union. The ones who didn't die got badly wounded." She paused. "Jellicles got badly wounded. They're treating Plato here too. And Admetus." 

She nodded at a pair of beds that had been shielded from view by a white screen. The blue lights coming from it told them that Mistoffelees was there, using his magical powers to heal his friends. 

For the first time since coming to OFUC, Joanna didn't feel like glomping him. She didn't even feel like squealing. 

"Did they stop that thing... whatever it was?" she wanted to know. 

"I'm not sure. I think the Twins managed to calm it down somewhat. They're very sorry. They never meant for this to happen. They thought they could control it." 

Joanna relaxed and laid back down. "Okay. Good." She sighed deeply, and then she noticed that she was still wearing her flower costume. The red petals looked rather tattered by now. "Some Halloween, huh?" 

Misty smiled dryly. "Yeah. Some Halloween. Hey, Jo?" 

Joanna, who had closed her eyes, opened them again. "What?" 

"What's it like? You know... dying? I mean, I never did, yet." 

Joanna thought about it. "I don't really remember. I hardly remember anything from the party, other than that there was dancing, and that Tugger played the bagpipes." She smiled a little. "That was rather cool. But the dying part? No. I don't know." 

"Oh. Okay then." Misty stood up, prepared to leave. At the last moment she turned around again. "Jo?" 

"Yeah?" 

"For what it's worth, I really liked your costume. And your dance. I thought it was nice." 

Joanna's smile grew wider, even though it hurt her face. "Thanks, Misty." 

"You're welcome."

* * *

**A/N:** Hm, a much darker chapter... Creepy slimy jell-o monster...

Cookies to **Lobo Diablo**, **Zazzie** and **Aislin of the Shadows** for knowing that the movie I was looking for was "Casper"! Yay childhood!

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Krissy4:** I've read it more than twice, the thing with Macavity's levitation powers. It sort of annoyed me... And you're not imagining things, updates tend to come around twice a week. That's because my imagination is working overtime.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Moppet? And yes, I am very proud indeed. I had no idea this story was going to be so popular!  
**TamerianRaven:** Yes, yes, you are the fox. :)  
**Eclectica:** Frank-N-Tugger... Actually, that sounds rather delicious.  
**Aislin of the Shadows:** Yes, she is a Misto fangirl. At least, that's what she wrote in her enrollment form, and what she wrote in her enrollment form goes!  
**Jemima-luvah:** Ah, you can get a cookie anyway, even though you didn't know the movie. :) You can be in any class you want, it doesn't matter what you write. I don't really look at that much.  
In that story, it didn't make much sense at all. When I think "levitation powers" I think "the power to fly," not "throwing people around..." Hm. I wish I'd think things through more... And ack! An error! This shall be fixed right way!  
**Ralli-Rah:** If you want to be the bunny, you can be the bunny. :)  
And finally: **Gamivair**, I got your email, and you're in. I can't answer on emails from an aol Dot Com address for some reason, but I believe I've said so before...


	17. The Very Big Question

**A/N:** Hey, guess what? Mystitat has been wonderful and made a website for OFUC! 'S awfully nice of her, considering I've had Mistoffelees zapping her, mini-Pollicles attacking her, and Kihr strangling her... Anyway, it's hosted on her site, freewebs dot com slash randomninity slash ofuc. It has a list of mini-Pollicles, a bit about pixays, and some fanart. But keep an eye on it, more stuff will be added soon! I've got a map that should be finished in seconds. Ain't that great?

In other news: Writing bad Mungojerrie & Rumpleteazer accents makes Ekwy's brain hurt...

**Seventeen: The Very Big Question**

The smell wouldn't go away. That was the worst part, that she still smelled of strawberries even a week after the Incident. Joanna had tried everything to get it off, but nothing had made it better. If anything, it had helped the smell to evolve into something closer to a pink glow, radiating from her skin and clothes.

Fortunately, she wasn't alone with this. The "healthy, pink glow" came from a lot of students, and the campus air was thick with the sweet stench of strawberries. It was nose-numbingly strong, and almost all Jellicles, canons as well as students, walked around the area with large clothespins to block their sensitive noses from it. This made it somewhat difficult to understand what any of them said, so lessons became harder than before. 

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer however were much too busy to be bothered by the smell. They had probably smelled worse thing in their burglering days, and cared little for the students' moans and groans. 

"Hullo!" said Rumpleteazer cheerfully as the entire student body of OFUC slowly made their way into the Jellicle Junkyard for the weekly seminar. "Today we're goin' to talk about _us_! Isn't that _great_?" 

Even though life at OFUC was considerably harder nowadays, most students perked up at this. They remembered the calico's promise at the first day of school. 

They would finally get to know the answer to the most important question of all: Are Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer siblings or mates? 

They all hurried to sit down. 

Rumpleteazer clapped her paws together. Next to her, Rumpleteaser and Rumpolteaser the mini-Pollicles did the exact same thing. 

"All righ', first we want you to sit inna circle, an' then we can discuss the fabulousness of us!" 

"C'mon now, we haven't got all day!" barked Mungojerrie. "Jerry, Jarry and Jerri, would'ya mind gatherin' them for us?" 

Mungojerrie's three minis (he was obnoxiously proud that he had more than Teazer, but since having minis was generally considered a bad thing, no one actually knew why) barked merrily and ran off to bite the students in the behinds until they did what the Jellicle had told them. 

They sat down in a wide circle on the ground, with the calicos in the middle and the five minis pacing calmly behind the students, to make sure that they were behaving. 

"We're gonna play a li'l game, we are," grinned Mungojerrie. "'S called 'What Are They Sayin'? Teazer an' I are gonna say things to each other, and you're gonna guess what it is!" 

The calicos sat down in the middle, turned towards each other. 

Rumpleteazer went first. "'Ey Jerrie, whutcha doin'?" 

"Oi'm sittin' an' watchin' them stars, they're shinin' broigh' tonoigh'." 

"Alroigh', I wus jus' wonderin'. 'Ey, Jerrie?" 

"Yeah, Teazah?" 

"Whoy do we 'ave these outrageous accents?" 

"'Coz we're Cockney, Teazah. An' some wroiters think tha' they hafta wroite us this way, or them readers won' unn'erstan' tha' i's us." 

"Tha's silly." 

They both turned to their students again, grinning. 

"All righ'," said Mungojerrie again, no longer speaking in his heavily exaggerated accent, but more in his normal and rather pleasant-sounding voice. "Learn some moderation 'ere, people. Now 'ere are some pointers for writin' an accent that won't make your readers cringe." He cleared his throat. "One: If possible, use abbreviations such as 'hafta' instead of 'have to,' 'gonna' instead of 'going to' an' 'wanna' instead of 'want to.' Like so." He made a gesture to Rumpleteazer. 

"'I wanna piece of Jennyanydot's mouse-cake," she said softly, sounding much like a stewardess, or one of those fabulous commercial ladies on TV. "I hafta steal some. I'm gonna do tha' now!'" 

"Two," continued Mungojerrie as the students giggled a bit. "Stop puttin' 'o's into every single word. Jus' 'cause we're Cockney doesn' mean we should be bloody impossible ta understan'! Remember, doing that not only makes the text diff'cult ta read, bu' it's also hard to take ya seriously when your text's full of 'Oi'm a very noice Jellicle, all roight?' It disturbs the flow of the story, an' it gets hard to con'ntrate on the plot." 

"Amen!" cheered Rumpleteazer, before remembering that she was supposed to be a cool and composed accent instructor. "I mean... Yeah. Exactly. Spot on. Your readers already know our accents. They don' need it to be shoved down their throats." 

Mungojerrie grinned. "Now three. Letters to drop can be: T's at the end of the word..." 

"'All righ', Macavity should show up abou' now...'" 

"H's at the beginnin' of words..." 

"''Ere's tha' rubber mouse I was lookin' for!'" 

"The D's an' the G's a little as ya please." Mungojerrie smirked. "I wrote that rhyme meself." 

The Mungojerrie Appreciation Club (which unfortunately, due to its abbreviation "MAC," was often attacked by Macavity's minis, since they went for anyone that had anything to do with their namesake) sighed adoringly at their Lust Object's superior rhyming skills. 

"'I'm walkin, an' I'm talkin', an' I'm feelin' fine,'" said Rumpleteazer calmly, caring nothing about the foolishness of her brother/partner/whatever's fangirls. 

"Yeah," nodded Mungojerrie. "Sooo... that's that abou' the accent. Moving right along to characterization. Now. Let's do a li'l exercise..." 

Gamivair raised her hand. "Please... can't we know the answer to the question instead?" 

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer simultaneously raised an eyebrow. "The question?" they repeated. 

"If you're, you know, siblings or mates." 

Rumpleteazer grinned slowly. "Ah. I suppose none of ya are gonna leave us alone until we tell ya?" 

"We're not gonna leave you alone no matter what you do!" exclaimed Kara and Richard cheerfully from their places as close to their idols as possible. 

Lately, they both had begun to stalk the calicos, perhaps in the hopes of becoming parts of the two-person group and steal things. Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer were flattered of course, but so far Kara and Richard's attempts of becoming real "Horrible Cats" had failed rather miserably. 

They didn't stop trying, though. 

Mungojerrie sighed. "Fine. Jus' you remember, that things differ a bit from performance to performance, an' from actor to actor. Not two shows are alike, so you can't base canon on how Jellicles act in any of 'em. Let's just take up some things from that bloody DVD that so many of you lot fancy." 

"Exhibit A," chirped Rumpleteazer and showed off her multi-coloured fur. "Our coats are very similar. Almost identical, in fact. This indicates us bein' brother an' sister." 

"A very _rare_ brother an' sister," added Mungojerrie snobbishly and grinned. "You know there's 3000 female calicos on every calico male?" 

"Don' get cocky, Jerr," muttered Teazer. "No one likes a bragger." 

"I do!" squeaked Chelshastin and blew a kiss to Mungojerrie. "I love you, Jerrie!" 

Said Jellicle coughed politely as his minis head-butted the fangirl and began to chew happily on her feet. 

"However," he said then. "Our coats are not the same in every production. I've heard that mine's darker than Teazer's in the US tour, indicatin' tha' we're mates rather than siblings." 

"Nect thing," said Rumpleteazer. "We live in the same house in Victoria Grove. This is, combined wi' our similarities, evidence for us bein' siblings. What's more probably, tha' the fam'ly we live with kept a pair of kittens out o' the same litter, or tha' they just 'appened to buy two almost identical cats from two diff'rent places?" 

"It could happen!" huffed Gamivair. 

Teazer nodded. "Granted. It could 'appen. Again, these rules only applies when we look alike." 

"You hold hands at the Jellicle Ball," pointed out Misty. She was sitting with her legs crossed, her tail waving lazily behind her. "And you snuggle up together a lot through the show." 

Mungojerrie turned to Rumpleteazer. "These people really do remember ev'ry single detail, don't they?" he mumbled. 

"Sorta tragic, really," agreed the queen. "But yeah, we do snuggle and hold hands. Not really signs of everlastin' love, bu' yeah..." She shrugged. "Ya can interpret things as ya like." 

"I have a friend who played Mungojerrie in the Spanish version of CATS," said DemiGold proudly. "And he said that you guys were siblings." 

The Jellicles shrugged at the same time. "Then, in that performance, by that director, we probably were," said Mungojerrie. 

"Can't you just _tell_ us, please?" begged Joanna and tried her best Jemima-look. 

The calicos looked hesitantly at each other. 

"Fine," said Mungojerrie, and told them. 

"Ahh..." chorused the students, nodding amongst themselves. 

"Well, that wasn't really a surprise," said Misty. "We should have been able to figure that one out for ourselves." 

"Indeed you should've," agreed Rumpleteazer. "Now if we could get back to the characterization..." 

She stood up, squeezed her way between Arakasema and Karlitio (both looked like they might faint out of sheer bliss from being so close to her) and went to pick up a pile of papers from the hood of the TSE 1. Then she returned to Mungojerrie's side. 

"This is jus' for practice," she said, starting to hand out a sheet to each student. "We want ya ta write this text into somethin' tha' Jerrie an I would actually _say_, an' with a workin' Cockney accent. We'll go through it later." 

There was a sudden burst of activity as the students frantically started to search for a pencil, and then a moment of serenity as they each received a paper and began writing. 

Joanna looked at her paper. 

_"Hello, Rumpleteazer," said Mungojerrie. "What are you doing this fine day?"  
"I am doing nothing, Mungojerrie," answered Rumpleteazer. "Did you want anything?"  
"Well, I did find this lovely necklace in a charming little boutique at Oxford Street," said Mungojerrie. "I thought you might fancy it."  
"Oh, that was very generous of you! I simply adore it!"_

It went on like that for a bit. Joanna sighed and grabbed her pencil. It was going to be a long lesson.

**

...

**

"Get it!"

"Out of the way!" 

"Stop pulling my tail!" 

The pink pile of goo, now only about two feet tall and not as intimidating as it had been, gurgled something close to a laugh and dived into an old washing machine. There it resided, making a purring sound. The Jellicles following it (Alonzo, Tumblebrutus and Electra) stopped in front of the machine, tails lashing. The chase. It was all about the chase. 

Alonzo dove forward and slammed the door shut, trapping the little Jellice Monster. "Gotcha!" 

"Good work," panted Ekwy and stroked back a sweaty strand of hair from her face as she jogged up to the young felines. "It's a fast little devil, that one. Thanks for the help, guys." 

Alonzo grinned. His eyes were still gleaming after the chase. "'S nothing. Now the problem's just how to get it out of there and back to the Twins." 

"How did this one get out, by the way?" asked Electra curiously and tried to peek through the glass and see the Jellice Monster. 

"No one knows." The Agent sighed. "It probably slithered out somehow. I doubt that the Twins would've let it go for a walk on its own. Not after the Halloween party." 

Tumblebrutus nodded. "They're still embarrassed, huh?" 

"They sent the killed students baskets of pink-removing shampoos and things," said Alonzo. "Dunno if it helped, but... Yeah, they're really sorry about the whole thing." 

"Personally, I find it irresponsible to make a dessert come alive in the first place," muttered Ekwy and picked up a broken broom to see if she could try and poke the Jellice Monster with it until it came out by its own accord. "I really don't know how they did it, and I'm not sure I want to either. This little creep really freaks me out. I cannot for the life of me understand how Gecka can think it's cute." 

The miniature Jelllice Monster purred contentedly and attacked the broom, breaking it in several places. Ekwy groaned and let go of the mauled cleaning equipment. 

"I give up. It can sit there for all I care. I'll get the Twins to come and get it instead, maybe they know how." 

She closed the door to the washing machine again, and then she sat down on top of it to take a breather. 

A wind blew her right in the face, and she shivered and pulled her thin jacket tighter around her. 

"We're going towards winter, all right," she muttered. "Bloody weather." She looked at the closest ball of blue light, which was growing stronger now that the nights had become so much darker. "I wonder how things will go once the snow comes." 

"Ah, you probably don't have to worry about that," said Alonzo and shrugged. "Miss Minnaloushe'll take care of it. Or Mistoffelees will. One of the two will make sure that we don't freeze to death, or have to teach our classes in three feet of snow. Besides..." He smiled a little. "It never snows in London." 

Oh, how wrong he was...

* * *

**A/N:** It's my birthday in two weeks. If you really want to make me happy, then I would love you eternally if you'd send me some fanart of OFUC. Come on, I'll even make a contest out of it! The winner gets a dance with his or her Lust Object in a later chapter!

I came up with some rules. They're in my profile. (And Mystitat, could you be a darling and put them up on the OFUC website as well?)

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Tera Earth:** Wow, that's a lot of questions... First, a huge resounding NO, no cat will fall in love with Joanna. She won't switch fandom, she's still into CATS. Hopefully she'll just write goodfic instead when she gets back home... She still has a huge crush on Mistoffelees, but you can be a fangirl without writing Mary-Sues with the poor tom. And the left-overs costume comes from "Casper, the Friendly Ghost." A very sweet movie, that.  
**Eponine:** Hm. Sounds somewhat interesting... Let me know once it's up somewhere, I'd really like to take a look. :)  
**Korora:** Yes, arrangements have been made so that the people at home won't wonder why their CATS fic-writing relatives and friends have suddenly disappeared. I'll get to that eventually, don't worry. And thanks for little Qmélie, she's adorable...  
**TamerianRaven:** Unfortunately, you were one of the students that died. Terribly sorry about that.  
**all hail OFUC:** :blushes:. Thank you very much. You screenname is teh spiff.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Oh. Okay, then. .:puts a mop on her head and hold a puppet in one hand:.  
**Ratha Ryou Aree:** Yeah, that's a little bit strange... But so what? Strange is good. :)  
**Jemima-luvah:** .:purrs:. Loved that short story. So you live in the TSE 11? Fair enough. .:makes a note out of it:.


	18. The Misto Squad's Despair

**A/N:** Thank you everyone who's sent me fanart, for the contest or just for fun! I need moooore!

The Website is updated. Now it has a map of campus as well! .:hearts Mystitat:.

**Eighteen: The Misto Squad's Despair**

The first snow fell that very evening. It fell lightly, almost hesitantly, as if it knew it didn't actually belong. It wouldn't stay long; it would melt away before morning, but it was a warning of times to come. Cold times. Something had to be done.

"I could probably put up some sort of force-field around the infirmary and the faculty area," offered Mistoffelees as the staff of OFUC came to order for a morning meeting in the faculty area. "Anything more than that, and I would be too tired to perform any revivals. Unless the Twins can do them for me?" 

He looked at Coricopat and Tantomile, who both sat looking rather miserable at the end of the large table. 

"Perhaps," murmured the queen. "With the combined powers of us and maybe your minis as well, then it is possible." 

"Good," said the magical cat. "Then I could put shelter over the cafeteria too, and perhaps even the library. The students will be fine in their cars, even though I would actually prefer it if they froze." He regarded the falling snowflakes and how they evaporated moments before they could even touch any of the staff members. "Ah well. At least the cold will calm them down a little. If not, having to walk through snow everyday just might." 

"And I thought that you were such a nice tom," sighed Ekwy, who sat opposite to him, with Qmélie RonRon in front of her on the table. 

Qmélie was a French Jennyanydots mini, spawned from a misspelling of "Amélie RonRon." Ekwy had taken the orangey-coloured mini to her heart since she had studied French herself once upon a time. Now Qmélie rarely left the Agent's side, and whenever possible she was lying with her head in her lap, listening to Ekwy murmuring sweet nothings in her very best High School French, and being rubbed on the tummy. 

Mistoffelees smirked somewhat unpleasantly. "A lot of people make that mistake." 

Ekwy shook her head and chuckled, startling Qmélie with the sudden sound. The Agent hurried to pet the mini and coo: "Oh, don't worry, _mon petit chou_, nothing bad is happening." 

Qmélie put her head back down and made a sound that was strangely close to a purr. This was actually less peculiar than it might appear, since _ronron_ means "purr" in French. Ekwy smiled tenderly. 

Miss Minnaloushe cleared her throat. "That takes care of part of the problem," she said. "But the classrooms will still be left unprotected. And the mini-Pollicle pen can probably take being outside in the cold, but we should still provide shelter for them. These cold months might be too hard for them otherwise." 

The Rumpus Cat nodded. He too, had a mini in front of him on the table. It was Tumpus Cat, who had a large T on his chest and was usually a bit uncertain about his identity around his kin. A part of him knew that his namesake was the fear of all Pollicles; he was one himself and felt nervous in his direct presence. But he was also a Rumpus Cat mini, and knew what the superhero might expect from him. All that made him very confused, and since minis are simple creatures, poor Tumpus always looked wary and hesitant. 

Even now, when his namesake was calmly stroking him, the mini felt insecure. He whimpered a bit and hid his face under his paw. 

Asparagus raised a paw. "I could perhaps organise a building crew," he suggested. "We could put roof over the classrooms, and maybe build a little hut in the Pen." 

Miss Minnaloushe nodded slowly. "That sounds good. Until then... Old Deuteronomy?" 

The Jellicle leader looked up. "Yes?" 

"We still have empty cars left, don't we? Cars that no students live in?" 

Old Deuteronomy nodded. "We do. But I don't believe that we should put the mini-Pollicles there, dear. They'd tear up the seat and shed and destroy a perfectly decent room. People are still enrolling. What do we do if we run out of cars? My toms found thirty of them, and they have scanned the junkyard, and there are no more. Except the TSE 1, and you can't say that we should give up _that_ car, do you?" 

"No, of course not. I would never be so cold-hearted. Very well, no minis in the cars. But then their hut must be top priority, Asparagus." 

The tom nodded. "Will do, miss Minnaloushe." 

"Good." The course coordinator stood up. "What else must we do before winter comes?" 

"Food supplies should get us through it," reported Jennyanydots. "There is nothing to worry about there." She frowned momentarily. "Although I do wonder how the food gets here in the first place, since we live in a junkyard." 

Miss Minnaloushe smiled. "Plotholes. Nothing to worry about. The PPC use them regularly, I understand it?" 

Gecka nodded and grinned. "They're very useful. Don't fret, Jenny. Food won't be a problem." 

The Gumbie Cat looked relieved. "If you say so." 

Miss Minnaloushe sat down again. "Anything else?" 

"Don't think so," said Old Deuteronomy. "The students are being difficult as per usual, but not worse than we can handle." He smiled. "I think they're starting to get that you can't mess with the Jellicles..." 

...

"I have a plan," said Mystitat happily as the Misto Squad curled up in the TSE 31, one of the cars that no one was using and therefore was free to anyone, in this case a very important club meeting. 

"Does it involve getting Misto?" asked Airmid Star hopefully. 

"Of course! It's a _brilliant_ plan!" 

"No offence, Myst, but you think that getting _killed_ is a good plan, because that gets you close to Misto," pointed out Lolita. 

Mystitat sighed. "Well, this plan is a lot better, I promise. You don't wanna hear it?" 

"I wanna hear it!" cried Eponine and adjusted herself on the car seat. "It's been a long time since we had a good plan." 

"Well," said Mystitat importantly, "we like Misto, right?" 

No one even dignified such an obvious question with an answer. 

"And what does Misto like?" 

"Dancing!" came from Kaylyn. "But we've already tried that, and he poofed out on us!" 

"I wasn't talking about dancing, silly, I was talking about something else." The black Jellicle beamed. "Magic!" 

The TSE 31 erupted in chatter. 

"Well magic, obviously..." 

> "Isn't magic pretty hard to do?" 

"It never looks hard when he's doing it!" 

There was a small pause as the fans thought of the innuendo in the previous statement, and then they all started giggling hysterically. 

"Seriously though," grinned Mystitat. "Misto likes magic, okay? And to win him, we simply have to do magic too! Which is why I came up with this plan. We're just going to have to steal one of Misto's magic books!" 

"I've heard of stories like this," said Kara Sakuya and shook her head. "They never end well." 

"Oh stop being such a party-pooper!" huffed Mystitat. "I don't see you having a plan!" 

Kara said nothing, but she poked her tongue out and pouted. 

"What do we have to do?" asked Joanna eagerly. 

She was already bouncing in her seat. If this plan worked, she'd soon have Mistoffelees eating out of her hand! 

"I have a plan for that too!" Mystitat grinned. "But that's gonna be a _surprise_!" 

The plan needed a week to prepare. This was done in secret by Mystitat, and no one dared questioning her. When she had an idea, there was not stopping nor reasoning with her, so they just let her to it while the rest of the Misto Squad concentrated on school work. 

On Saturday the following week, Mystitat announced what she had done. 

"I have spied on Misto!" she declared. "I now know his movements and habits. It is time for my plan to be set in motion!" 

She beamed at her fellow Misto fans. 

"Spiffy," said Ratha. "Care to fill us in?" 

"Sure!" She lowered her voice. "Right now, the teachers are preparing their free-time courses. But then, when it is time for lessons, they will leave the faculty area. And that's where we'll pounce!" She picked up a map over the campus and spread it out on her lap. "Here's the faculty area. We'll hide here." She pointed to a classroom on the map. "When Jennyanydots comes out, she's always the last one, then we can move in." 

"Are you insane?" asked JemimaWeasley. "The mini-Pollicles are guarding the place when the others aren't there! We'll be ripped to shreds before we can blink!" 

"No worries!" chirped Mystitat. "I thought of that too!" 

She picked up a yellow paper bag, which Joanna instantly recognized. It was filled with Bustopher Jones' Shrimp Delights, much like those Misty had offered the female kittens when they came trick-or-treating. 

"The minis like these things," explained Mystitat. "All we have to do is throw them the bag, and they won't bother us. And then we can sneak into the faculty area, and look around for one of Misto's magic books! Once we have that, then we have two choices. One is to read a love spell so that he'll fall for me, and the other is to be so good at magic that he'll be very impressed!" 

Tera Earth snorted. "_You_? Why should he fall for _you_?" 

"Well, it was _my_ idea!" 

"That doesn't matter! I'm his number one fangirl, I should have priority!" 

"Excuse _me_? _You_ his number one fangirl? I don't think so! I love him the most!" 

"Do not!" 

"Do too!" 

"Do not!" 

"Do too!" 

"Come on guys, we don't have to do this now," said Joanna, trying to calm them down. "We're all a team here. We should never have gotten this far without each other." 

She smiled benevolently. Secretly, she was planning to fool them all and run away with the magic book as soon as they got into the faculty area, but they didn't have to know that. Mystitat and Tera sighed and nodded. 

"Fine," said Tera. "Let's go, then." 

They did. 

...

No one exactly new what happened after they'd successfully gotten into the faculty area. Joanna had a vague recollection of seeing Mystitat flying through the air and landing somewhere close to the library, but she wasn't really sure. One thing was certain, and that was that Mystitat died again, possibly for the third or fourth time since she'd come to OFUC. A bunch of members of the Misto Squad all went the same way as the leader for the expedition, but Joanna surprisingly made it. 

They never really found out what had happened, but that very same day, Demeter and Bombalurina wrote a new verse on the Macavity song. 

_He's the nemesis of all fanbrats  
The Misto Squad's despair  
And when they thought the staff was gone  
Macavity was there!_

The Misto Squad were not amused at all.

* * *

**To all who reviewed saying how sneaky I am for not telling you anything at all about MJ&RT:** Yes. I am sneaky. But what should I have done? One way or the other, half the fandom would have slaughtered me in my sleep. Personally I think they're siblings, but I know a lot of people don't, so therefore I did it this way.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Eclectica:** Oh yeah, I think I've heard of that one. I weep for my fandom.  
**Mystitat:** Good kitty! .:pets:. And you got your death, just like you wanted it. :) I'll send you a bunch of stuff for the site today. I just finished going through the schedules, and now they're ready to be shown to the world.  
**Jemima-luvah:** Yes, that would be an interesting twist. But you can't actually be expelled from OFUC. It would go against what we're trying to teach, if we just kicked out students all the time. If a student only got nine chances, then I think there wouldn't be a lot of them left... An interesting thought, though!  
They found your body. It was not a pretty sight. The Twins and Misto had a real rough time bringing you back to life.  
**D0uble-Tr0uble:** It only took a couple of days for her to reply. On the other hand, I'm sort of familiar with her from other places, so she knows I'd take care of her idea. I should wait until she replies before starting to write it. You might not think it, but Miss Cam has minions in basically EVERY fandom, and sooner or later she would know that you haven't technically gotten permission yet. And then there would be much bad things. Perhaps she didn't get your email? Emails get lost, after all...  
**DemiGold:** Hm, that's an idea... I'll think of that, and perhaps I'll order a few later on. :)  
**Korora:** They're something. We don't know. As MJ&RT said, it varies a lot, and we'll possibly never know if they're siblings or mates. "Rumpelteazer" is not technically a mini. It depends on where you live, but in many productions, that's how she's spelled. But Rompretrizas... Cute! She can hang out with Qmélie RonRon. And you, mysteriously enough, survived the attack of the Jellice Monster with nothing but a broken leg.  
**Antigone:** Naw. I love you too. .:pets:.


	19. Netiquette and Many Minis

**A/N:** Guys, we have a record. **26** reviews for one chapter! My goodness...

**Nineteen: Netiquette and Many Minis**

It was Wednesday, and the bruises had faded somewhat. Mystitat was again her cheery self and about to think out another plan to get her beloved Mistoffelees, while the rest of the Misto Squad still had the new verse of Macavity's song in fresh memory and weren't so keen on trying anything very soon.

"Dying isn't even worth it anymore," complained Mystical21 and supported her head in her hands. "Misto's too busy with those stupid force-fields to have time for any revivals, and Coricopat just isn't the same... Oh, what is it _now_?" 

She glared at the mini-Pollicle by her feet. Mistofolees looked at her with large, blue eyes, and then he grinned toothily. 

"Go away, you stupid creature!" the fangirl hissed. "Why does he keep following me around?" 

"You created him," said Joanna and shrugged. "As far as he knows, you're his mother." 

"Stupid animal," muttered Mystical21. 

Joanna chuckled and turned around to face the teacher, who had just come into the classroom. It was not Skimbleshanks, as she had expected, but Jellylorum. 

"Good morning," said the multi-coloured queen kindly. "I'm afraid Skimble is much too busy with helping Asparagus building the hut in the mini-Pollicle pen for teaching a class, so I offered to take over this lesson." 

The Skimbleshanks Lusters grumbled, but didn't protest any further. Jellylorum pointedly ignored them. 

"However, miss Minnaloushe asked me to bring up the things that you might do wrong in any writing. I believe the term she used was 'Netiquette.' Can anyone tell me an example of something that breaks Netiquette laws?" 

When no one answered, she cleared her throat and continued. "In-text author's notes is one of the greatest sins you can commit when writing. There is nothing more annoying for a reader to stumble across than that. Never EVER write in-text author's notes. If you do, miss Minnaloushe will be most crossed, and I believe you already know what happens when miss Minnaloushe gets most crossed?" 

Joanna shivered. Oh yes. She knew. Jellylorum smiled. 

"Good, then we have cleared up that little matter. Now, can anyone..." 

She was interrupted by a loud bark from Jellyorum, one of her minis. All eyes turned towards the mini, who was listening intently for something. 

Joanna frowned. She heard something... she was sure of that. It sounded vaguely like thunder, and it was getting louder and louder. Jellylorum harrumphed, probably annoyed that she was being bothered in the middle of a lesson, and poked out her head in the corridor to see what it was that caused such a ruckus. 

"Oh dear," she mumbled. "Oh dear, oh dear..." 

"What is it?" asked Cyrano, who sat and doodled things in his notebook, not paying much attention. 

"Nothing!" the queen said hurriedly. "Nothing at all! Now, get back to your studies immediately!" 

* * *

Of course there was something. Miss Minnaloushe rather wished that there wasn't anything, but now it was, and she had to deal with it, as always. 

"Rumpus Cat!" she roared. "Why are there so many minis around all of a sudden?" 

The Rumpus Cat, looking quite bewildered, shrugged and ran off to try and scare the rampant minis back in line. Pouncival answered for him. 

"We really don't know," he said. "They just... show up. Like this thing." 

He showed at a large hole in the ground that hadn't been there before. Ekwy, who had been exploring the hole, adjusted her beret (which had gotten a flashlight attached to it) and said: "It has pillows in it, miss Minnaloushe. It's looking rather cosy, actually." 

"We think it's the Heaviside Lair," added Gecka and peeked up her head from the hole. "Fascinating what those fanbrats can come up with, eh?" 

She smiled from ear to ear and dived down again. After a few seconds they could her shouting happily: "It's got fuzzy blankets, Eks!" 

Miss Minnaloushe sighed. She felt a headache coming on. "All right. Who are the newly arrived mini-Pollicles, Pouncival?" 

"There are... 19 of 'em, miss," the tom answered after a quick counting. One for Etcetera, one for Exotica, two for Jellylorum, one for Grizabella, two for Coricopat, two for Macavity, one for Mungojerrie, one for Munkustrap, two for Rumpleteazer, two for the Rum Tum Tugger, one for Skimbleshanks and two for Tumblebrutus." He took a deep breath. "They're multiplying extremely fast. We almost can't keep up with them. Oh, and there is this, too." 

He nodded towards Kihr, who was balancing a large model of what appeared to be a city on his shoulders. He nearly fell over from the weight of it, but managed to steady himself in the last moment and got the model up on the table in the faculty area. Miss Minnaloushe regarded it. She didn't recognize the city it pictured, but then, she was not very familiar with earthly geography. 

"What is it?" she asked dejectedly. 

"Jellico," answered Pouncival. "It's located in Tennessee, USA, as far as we've gathered. Someone really needs to check spelling before posting things..." 

"Oh I'm fine, by the way," said Kihr, looking hurt. "I might've sprained a wing or something carrying that thing around, nothing serious. Thanks for asking." 

"Sorry you didn't hurt yourself," said miss Minnaloushe absentmindedly. "Go and play with your fangirls." 

"One! I have _one_ fangirl! And I can't for the life of me understand why I can't _scare her off_!" Kihr flapped his wings in annoyance. "You might think that the students would run from a guy with a bad temper and an arsenal of knives on his back, but _no_. Does _no one_ think I'm intimidating?" 

"I think you're a little scary," offered Ekwy politely. 

Kihr looked at her hopefully. "Really?" 

"Sure. It might help if you, you know, _whined_ a little less. Then you'd be real scary." 

"All I wanted to know." The male Ironwing strutted away in search of some students to scare. Most preferably Starfire, his only fangirl and self-appointed bodyguard. 

"Thank Heaviside," muttered miss Minnaloushe. "I really wish Kihra would come and take him back, he's _really_ getting on my nerves... Now, let's talk serious things." She sat down on a chair and stretched out her wings. "How's the work on the hut in the pen going?" 

"Quite well, I think," said Gecka, peeking up from the Heaviside Lair again. "I went over there this morning. It's looking good." 

"That's good to hear," sighed the course coordinator. "The minis need a warm home. It will snow more tonight." 

No one asked how she knew that. Ironwings were a mysterious people. 

"Well, if the faculty are cold, they can always come here," said Ekwy and nodded towards the Lair. "It's nice and warm. Just perfects for cats. Probably safe from fanbrats as well." 

Miss Minnaloushe nodded. "Fabulous. Has anyone seen Grizabella? I want to talk to her about... oh." 

She stopped talking. Suddenly and with no explanation whatsoever, an absolutely _gigantic_ cat stood in front of them. His face was mostly in shadow, and his glowing red eyes stared at the gathered staff-members. 

"My goodness," mumbled Ekwy. She recognized him, but she wondered silently to herself if her sister would. Gecka had always been more prone to watch track number five on the DVD over and over, rather than looking at the whole thing. 

"'Ello," said the giant with a surprisingly gentle voice. "I was just wonderin' if I could get a class for meself, miss?" 

Miss Minnaloushe pulled herself together and coughed a little. "And what would you teach then, exactly?" 

"Well, I was thinkin' that I could pr'aps represent them small characters that no one cares about, miss. I could do that well, miss. I've had lots o' practice," he added sadly. 

The course coordinator pondered this. "I suppose we could fit you in somewhere for a seminar... Who else were you planning on bringing into your class?" 

The giant shrugged. "Don't rightly know, miss. I think Gilbert was in'trested as well. Possibly Exotica too. She sorta ran away when I was askin' her, but I think she'll come around if I leave her to it." 

"Good, good. Anyone else?" 

"Maybe. I've tried to find Grumbuskin, but he's off somewhere with Growltiger, and I don' know when he'll be back." 

"You could try the mysterious seven," suggested Ekwy. "Peter, Augustus, James, Victor, Jonathan, George and Bill Bailey. They're working at the Heavyside Rehabilitation Centre for Mary-Sues, but I think they would love to come here to the junkyard and join your club. I could send them a message right away, if you like." 

The huge cat grinned. "Thanks lots, miss, I appreciate that." 

She smiled. "You're welcome." 

Miss Minnaloushe looked pleased. "Well, I shall put it under serious consideration. Just gather your members, and we'll see what happens." 

The giant nodded eagerly and gave her a salute. "Until next time then, miss," he said and followed Ekwy as she jumped out of the Lair and went to send a message to the HRC. 

"This shall be interesting indeed," said Gecka and got out of the hole. She brushed off her uniform and adjusted the "OFUC Staff" badge on her chest. "I wonder if he'll ask Billy McCaw to join as well." 

Miss Minnaloushe smiled slightly. "That would a sight. I wonder if our friend could get him to play at our next party? I mean, I have nothing against Tugger's bagpipes, but it would be nice with a little variety." 

"I agree completely." 

* * *

Joanna left her lesson with a head that was buzzing with "Netiquette." Jellylorum had taught them why you should never write a fic in capital letters, that Random Capitalization should be a crime punishable by death, and that one exclamation mark is quite enough, thank you very much. 

Now she was exhausted, and the day had barely begun. Misty, who was chewing on a Bustopher Jones' Shrimp Delight, also had problems with keeping her eyes open. 

"That was boring," said the fake Jellicle and yawned. "Jellylorum always made me sleepy." 

"You're a cat," pointed out Joanna. "You're _always_ sleepy." 

"I mean before, when I was human and back home!" protested Misty. "I used to fall asleep on the couch every time _Gus the Theatre Cat_ came on." She sighed. "Good times." 

"I used to do that too," admitted Joanna. "There was just something very soothing about Gus's voice. I'll probably never do that again though, not after having spent a year at this place." 

"Yeah, I'll keep expecting minis to attack me if I should ever be so horrible and fall asleep in the middle of CATS." Misty shook her head. "OFUC will scar me for life." 

"Hey guys!" exclaimed Lu suddenly and waved her schedule around. "You'll never guess who's going to have a seminar on Saturday!" Her cheeks were flushing, and she was bouncing up and down. "Misto! I just read it on the schedule! A whole day with just Misto!" 

And suddenly, life was beautiful, campus was a paradise with sunshine and flowers, and Joanna's stomach was filled with butterflies.

* * *

**A/N:** Extra Jellice (the non-Monsterified sort) to the ones who figured out who the giant cat is!  
And it is my birthday tomorrow, Friday. If you want to make me happy, then send in fanart for the contest! You still have a week left until deadline! Oh and Mystitat, there's a new one on PhotoBucket. :)

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Mystitat:** But what shall you think of now, when Mistoffelees isn't taking care of the revivals anymore? Ah, it's hard being a fangirl, isn't it? .:grins:.  
**Tera Earth:** I'm pretty sure I've written you in before the last chapter... The address of the OFUC website is www dot freewebs dot com slash randomninity slash ofuc, translated to Internet language of course, since you can't post links here. It is pretty!  
**Theatre-sama:** Technically she didn't die because Misto zapped her, but because she was taken to the infirmary afterwards, where Jennyanydots gave her Aspirin. She died because it's lethal to cats. Heh. But Mystitat has probably died lots of times "off-screen" so to speak. She's good at dying!  
**Zazzie:** What happens if you misspell a mini's name? I suppose the mini spawns... (Puppies, yay!) Or there's just a new mini. .:shrugs:. I've never really thought about that...  
**Aislin of the Shadows:** Yikes. Many minis, there are. I would like that link, if just to get more minis. Although I have a lot now... The count was 68 the last time I checked. They're taking over!  
**Jemima-luvah:** Sure, I'll try and write Exotica somewhere. But she's rather shy, as we all know. :) Perhaps she doesn't want to play. I'll try to entice her with some catnip. .:gives the Revival Squad purely platonical hugs from you:.  
**Korora:** .:pets you:. Heh. That was cute.  
**Antigone:** I know what you mean. I am exactly like that myself. Getting mentioned in a story by another writer is real fun. Quite a trip, really. Kittens? I'll think about it...  
**JemimaWeasley:** Nope, I don't. Thanks! .:pets McAvity:.  
**D0uble-Tr0uble:** Apparently Miss Cam has had some trouble with her email. Things end up in the trash even though she doesn't want them there. That's probably what happened with your request. If you want to make sure she gets it, then go to the PPC Posting Board and ask for permission there. :)  
**LadyPup:** Miss Cam's original story is called OFUM, or the Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. It takes place in the Lord of the Rings fandom, obviously. It's wonderful. You can find a link to Miss Cam's account on my profile. I know that there's a Phantom OFU as well, but I don't think that there's one with Les Mis, although Miss Cam has a complete list of spin-offs on her website (linked on HER profile.) The first one can also be found on my favourites list. :)


	20. The Mistoffelees Mystery

**A/N:** Heeeh. Mystitat gave me a birthday present. It was a good birthday present. GO AND READ IT. As the one in charge of your fanfiction education, I command you all to go and read "Adventures at ofuc" by Mystitat. It's fabulous.

**Twenty: The Mistoffelees Mystery**

Mistoffelees was one nervous cat. He had tried to prepare himself for it, had gone through meditation and long talks with miss Minnaloushe about his safety, and still he was nervous. 

"And now are you _sure_ that they won't attack me?" he asked miss Minnaloushe for the third time that morning. 

"Yes, Mistoffelees," she answered patiently. "I told Ekwy and Gecka to stand guard, and you have your minis. You will be fine. And what do you worry about anyway? You have your powers to protect you, should anyone of your bodyguards fail." 

"They're fangirls," said the Jellicle and sighed. "Who knows what they might be up to? Tugger told me..." 

Miss Minnaloushe frowned. "Tugger told you what?" 

Mistoffelees, who had caught himself from saying what was on his mind, that no less than three fangirls had snuck into the Heaviside Lair just the other day and glomped the Rum Tum Tugger, who was using the place to take a nap. Miss Minnaloushe didn't know about that, and it was probably for the best if it stayed that way. Ekwy and Gecka still hadn't figured out how the fangirls had gotten inside, but they were working on it. 

"Nothing," he said smoothly. "Nothing at all, miss. This will go well. I'm just being stupid." 

The course coordinator hmm'd and left. Mistoffelees was alone. He took a few deep breaths. 

"Steady yourself," he mumbled. "Stay grounded. They can't hurt you. You are a strong, confident tom, and you will be fine. Think pretty thoughts, think of a happy place..." 

He stood still for a moment, imagining himself in the Jellicle junkyard alone, with the full moon shining above him, calling to his inner self and making him strong. Then he looked at his paws, to make sure that he could still shoot blue sparks from them if the need should arise. He could. No problems there. 

"Okay," he muttered. "Here it goes." 

He held his breath and walked into the junkyard, where the students already sat, eager to listen to whatever he said. 

* * *

Joanna's heart stopped pounding for a second, and then it started up again, much faster. She felt her cheeks turn red. 

Mistoffelees walked into the classroom shyly, with his entire squad of minis trailing behind him. They were glaring at the fic-writers with venom. Apparently they had heard about the attempt to steal their name-sake's magic books, and were not happy about it at all. 

"Hello," said Mistoffelees and waited patiently until the squeals from his fangirls had died out. "Welcome to my seminar. I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't try and glomp me today. It would make things a lot easier for all of us." He smirked suddenly, and a few students passed out. "In return, I won't fry you into a crisp and feed you to my minis. Do we have a deal?" 

"Yes," muttered the class. 

"Wonderful. Okay. Now, my first question that we're going to try and answer today is this one: Who is Quaxo?" 

"Oh, I know!" exclaimed Joanna. "It's you! I mean, you when you're not all sparkly and magical!" 

Mistoffelees nodded. "Yep, that's me. Can I do any magic while in 'Quaxo mode'?" 

Joanna shrugged. "I don't know." 

"Yeah, you can!" said Misty eagerly. "You made the trunk of the TSE 1 open to reveal Jennyanydots in _The Gumbie Cat_ with magic!" 

"True. And I'm glad you remembered that. It is safe to say that I do have some powers as Quaxo, but as Mistoffelees I can do basically anything. That would explain why I stay Quaxo up until Old Deuteronomy disappears and Tugger starts praising me." Mistoffelees grinned somewhat bemused at the thought of it. "Now, have you done your homework and listed the powers I possess in canon?" 

Joanna perked up. She had studied this in great detail. "You're telekinetic," she said. "You can move things with your mind, just like Misty said. And you can shoot lightning out of your paws, of course. Make people disappear and reappear in another place. You're psychic; you knew that Old Deuteronomy was about before anyone else did, except possibly the Twins. Oh, oh, and those tricks that Tugger sings that you can do, like cards and dice and..." 

"Yes, yes, that's quite enough," said the magical cat, but he was smiling. "As I said, basically everything. I'm very powerful. More powerful than Macavity, no matter what he says. I did manage to get Old Deuteronomy back from right under his nose, didn't I?" 

"Yeah, you did!" cheered Ratha. 

Mistoffelees ignored her. "Yes. I'm good. My powers are greater than Macavity's. Now he's a grown-up tom, and I'm just out of kittenhood. I'd say that's very impressive, no?" 

The only answer he got was from his fangirls, who sat at the front of the class, sighing adoringly. 

"Show-off," muttered Lyra, one of the two Macavity fangirls at OFUC. 

Mistoffelees gave her a look. "I'm repeating this to make you get just how utterly _fabulous_ I am at magic. To make you understand, that it really has to take something for anyone to be better than me. Okay? I'm the _best_. And your Mary-Sue is _not_ better than I am!" That last part he shouted, and added a few blue sparks for good measure. "She may be a bigger flirt than Bombalurina, a better dancer than Victoria, have a lovelier voice than Jemima, and be wiser than Old Deuteronomy, but she is. Not. More. Powerful. Than me. _Okay_?" 

He glared at the class. 

"Yeah, okay, whatever," mumbled someone. Joanna didn't dare turn around to see who it was. 

The magical cat took a few breaths and mumbled something about a "happy place" before continuing. 

"I'm glad we cleared up that little... misunderstanding," he said. "Moving on. What are my characteristics?" 

"You're shy!" said Charlicopat and grinned. "That's what you say in your song, anyway." 

"And you're quiet and aloof, too!" added Pussy. "Tugger said so. Tugger never lies!" 

"That can be discussed," muttered Mistoffelees. "But yes, you're right. Although Quaxo tends to be more outgoing, actually. He seems to like hanging around with the other Jellicles more than I do as Mistoffelees. Which cats do I hang out with?" 

"Victoria!" cheered Jinzatti. "Mistoffelees/Victoria hooray!" 

Mistoffelees blushed a bit, but managed to hide it superbly well. "Well, ahem, yes," he said and coughed. "We might be mates or siblings, but it's obvious that I'm close with Victoria. Anyone else?" 

"You're friends with the Rum Tum Tugger," said Misty. "Anyone can see that." 

"Yep," nodded the magical cat. "I tease him a lot because he's so popular with the queens, and he has his bad sides of course, but he's a real good friend, and I like him a lot..." 

Then he noticed the wide grins of the slashers in the junkyard. 

"Not like _that_, you perverts!" 

The slashers kept grinning. Joanna rolled her eyes and decided to come to Mistoffelees' aid. 

"You're friends with Alonzo, Tumblebrutus and Munkustrap as well," she called out. "And you're probably a relative of Bustopher Jones'." 

Mistoffelees smiled fondly. "Ah yes, good ol' uncle Bustopher. Or something like that anyway. Who knows, he might even be my father. Contrary to popular belief, he's not a bad guy. If he was, Quaxo wouldn't dare to try and pull his tail in _Bustopher Jones_. If Munkustrap hadn't stopped Quaxo there, he would have pulled the tail. And I've got a feeling that Bustopher wouldn't have been mad, had he done that. Bustopher is a merry old fellow, he's not _Macavity_." 

"He really should loose some weight, though," said Tabis the Tabby. "It's not healthy for a cat to weigh 25 pounds." 

"You try and tell him that," sighed Mistoffelees. "He doesn't listen. Tell you what, you can bring that subject up on his seminar. Who knows, miracles happen. He might listen to you." 

He leaned against the TSE 1. He seemed a little bit more relaxed now for some reason. Perhaps it was because he was having what probably classified as a civil conversation with people that usually spent their time trying to get in to his pants. Metaphorically speaking, of course. As a cat, Mistoffelees obviously didn't wear pants. 

'Mmm, pantsless Mistoffelees...' thought Joanna and sighed lustingly. 

_No! Bad brain! Don't go there! This is good, don't go ahead and spoil it now!_

She settled with looking at her Lust Object, and trying to stop drooling. That wasn't so very hard, because now he started to hand out papers to everyone. 

"Now talk amongst yourselves," he said, "and write down situations that you've seen me in on stage. We'll discuss them later on, but I want you to prepare for it right now. And yes," he added with a smirk, "there will be a test on this. So get to work!" 

* * *

It was later that day. Joanna and Misty had just left the cafeteria and were on their way back to the TSE 4 to rest, do homework, and generally be good little students. The sun had gone down, and it was getting very cold. They were both shivering, and hurried into the car to warm themselves. 

Polly and Alida of course started to bang their tiny fists on the glass of their aquarium the moment their owners entered. 

"Yes, yes, we know you're hungry," sighed Joanna and threw a few treats into the aquarium, which the pixays immediately dug into with great energy. "Here you go." 

Misty curled up underneath her blanket. "I don't like the cold." 

"That makes two of us, then. This is one of those days when you really just want to stay inside where it's somewhat warm with a cup of hot chocolate and a book..." 

"Yeah, and some treats!" added Misty with a grin. "Hey, do we have any more of those Shrimp Delights left?" 

Joanna shook her head absentmindedly as she rummaged through her pile of books next to the aquarium in search of her copy of _The Task of Imperfection: Your Guide to Not Write CATS Mary-Sues_. "I think I just gave Polly and Alida the last ones, sorry." 

"Oh, okay..." There was a short pause. "You what?" 

Joanna looked up. Misty looked shocked. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it'd matter," she said. "I mean, we can get new ones from the kitchen if we'd want..." 

"That's not what I meant, silly!" Misty hurried up to the aquarium and stared at the pixays. "That's Bustopher Jones' Shrimp Delights! That's canon food! You gave the pixays canon food! They've never touched anything like that before!" 

Joanna's mouth formed a surprised 'o' as she joined her friend in looking at the Jellciles. Both Polly and Alida seemed rather pleased with their food, and they were smiling enigmatically at their owners. They were much calmer about life and everything now than they had been when they first arrived from the Heavyside Layer. Polly even waved merrily at Joanna and Misty from the other side of the glass. 

"I... think they're okay," mumbled Misty. "You think they're... evolving from being Bad Ideas to Good Ideas?" 

Joanna shrugged. She still couldn't take her eyes off of Polly. "I don't know. Maybe. It seems that they're on the way to, anyway. Maybe we should get someone? Like Jennyanydots, perhaps? She might know what's happening." 

"Yeah, maybe. But I'd say that our best bet would be to go to the PPC Agents. They ought to be more informed about the matter of pixays than the canons..." 

* * *

"They seem okay to me," said Gecka after peeking through the glass of the aquarium. "Except those smug little grins of theirs. Makes me very nervous, actually."

"I don't think you have to worry about them," said Ekwy and shrugged. "Pixays are sturdy creatures." 

"We actually... thought that they were... you know, evolving into Pollciles or something," mumbled Misty. "They've never been this calm before, you see..." 

"Oh, it'll take a while before these pixays'll turn into good ideas," smiled Ekwy. "This is just a step. You're gonna have to take extra good care of them now. They'll at least be nicer to you now. They won't try and bite you, at least. Be thankful for that." 

She put on her beret and gave Misty and Joanna a merry wave. "See ya later!" 

The two Agents left the TSE 4, leaving the students alone. 

"Well, good news at least," sighed Misty. "We don't have to worry." 

Joanna didn't answer. She looked at Polly with her heads cocked at one side. 

"Hm," she mumbled. "Hm."

* * *

**A/N:** You were all very good to figure out that the giant cat was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell. Is it just me, or does he remind you of Hagrid, from Harry Pottter? Anyway, cookies and Jellice for all!

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Krissy4:** Yep, now Jerrie and Teazer have the same amount of minis! Hooray for them! And yeah, I know some of the cats in the mysterious seven are just other names for some of the males... But they don't get much attention under those names, now do they?  
**Tera Earth:** I don't know, I was just sure that I'd written you in before. The Misto Squad will always try and get Misto! Sure, Mystitat's plan failed once, but they're not going to let such a minor thing as being dead get in the way of getting their beloved magical cat!  
**Jemima-luvah:** Nah, little mcvity'll probably consider Macavity as something of a father-figure, but not an actual father. He's more of a... charge than anything else. Someone to protect. It's different with minis. They are smart in certain ways, but they couldn't care less about things that we might consider very important. Like family. They have their name-sakes and their siblings, and that's that.  
**Just A Girl In A Crystal:** Yep, Jellico is really a city. Google it if you don't believe me. :)  
**Eponine:** Yep, Skimble fangirls do exist. Fanboys too, actually. :)  
**Korora:** .:wails:. The minis are taking over! Hm. Mistfellis... And I thought "Mistofyleis" was bad... And I have a roster like that, but I don't know if I'll post it. Only a few students have roomies. The ones who do either know each other, or I thought they'd fit together. :)  
**Rafe:** Thanks. I'll change it. .:makes a note out of it:.


	21. Story Time

**A/N:** I added a bit on chapter 20. Not much, just enough to finish that piece of the story. I figured I'd do that since someone told me that the last chapter was a bit short, even though it WASN'T, so there.

Disclaimer: The story of the brave Maneki-neko comes from Japan. You can probably find it somewhere. "The Cat That Walked By Himself" is written by Rudyard Kipling, and can be found if you Google it. I thought they would be appropriate stories for a Jellicle to tell.

The first part of this chapter is dedicated to Sir John Mills, who played Gus the Theatre Cat in the CATS video. He passed away on the 23rd of April 2005 after a chest infection, at the impressive age of 97.

R.I.P. Sir John Mills  
In your time, you played every possible part

**Twenty-One: Story Time**

December arrived with another shower of snow, and this time, it stayed on the ground. Like sugar it covered the roofs of the TSEs and the Jellicle junkyard, gathered on the hut in the mini-Pollicle pen and powdered the corridors through the junk. It also brought freezing winds to OFUC, causing the students to prefer staying inside their cars.

Sometimes however, emergency called. 

"Pleeease, Misty?" pleaded Joanna, who was bouncing in her seat. "I really, really, _really_ have to go!" 

"Then go!" growled her roommate and cuddled up under her blanket. "I refuse to leave! You can't make me!" 

"But it's dark out!" Joanna looked at Misty with her largest Jemima eyes. "There are dangers! Please, please Misty? I'd do it for you!" 

Misty looked up from underneath the blanket and peered at Joanna. Her green eyes gleamed in the half-darkness. "I don't like the cold. What's in it for me?" 

The human girl whimpered. She really didn't have time for this. Misty rolled her eyes. 

"Fine, I'll go. But be quick, you hear?" 

Joanna nodded in relief. "Oh thank you thank you thank you..." 

They went out into the early night, half-running to avoid feeling the cold, and had soon reached the toilettes. Misty stayed outside, jumping up and down to keep warm while Joanna hurried inside and... did her business. When Joanna came out from the bathrooms, looking very relieved indeed, her roomie stood listening into the night. Her ears were perked, and her tail latched from side to side. 

"What is it?" asked Joanna. 

"I'm hearing something," whispered Misty. "From the Jellicle junkyard. Voices." 

Joanna shrugged. "So what? There are probably people there. What's the big deal?" 

"They're canons." Misty smiled. "Maybe Tugger's there..." 

Joanna froze immediately. "Really? Misto too?" 

"Maybe. Shall we go and... investigate?" 

The Mistoffelees fangirl didn't have to think it through. "Oh, yes we are!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands in delight. 

The pair snuck up to the Jellicle junkyard, both listening intently. It took Joanna a little longer to hear the voices, since she lacked Misty's superior feline hearing, but soon she did. To her great disappointment, it wasn't Mistoffelees. 

It was Gus. They could see him sit by a large bonfire in the middle of the junkyard. He had scotched up close to the fire, to warm his shivering paws at the flames, and by his feet sat a large number of Jellicle cats. They were looking at him with large eyes, completely engulfed in whatever it was he said. 

At first the girls paid him no heed. They were much too busy looking around for their Lust Objects to care about the old Theatre Cat. 

But then they saw that there was another fire burning in Gus's eyes, a fire much wilder than anything they had seen before. His face, wrinkled and old, was shining with an otherworldly light. He was smiling. 

Joanna and Misty found themselves standing completely still, barely even breathing, and listening to his voice. 

"Unfortunately, the brave cat could not be saved from the venom of the snake, and he died. His noble mistress, whom he had saved by sacrificing his own life, decided to honour his memory by carving images of him, and to this day, these images serve as talismans for good luck. Still, the brave cat protects the humans against disease and unfortune." He raised his head and smiled at the kittens, who sat closest to him. "And that, my young friends, is the story of Maneki-neko." 

"Can't you tell us another one, Gus?" asked Etcetera and tilted her head at one side. "Please?" 

The Theatre Cat chuckled. "Little one, will you ever tire of my stories?" 

"Nope!" chirped the kitten. "Please Gus, just one more? We promise we'll sleep after that!" 

There were some murmurs of agreement from the other cats. Gus sighed. 

"Very well, but only one more for tonight. I hear my voice is cracking." 

"You think we can go out there?" whispered Misty and turned to Joanna. "I'd like to hear this." 

"I don't think we have much of a choice," Joanna murmured back. "The Twins have seen us." 

She nodded towards Coricopat and Tantomile, who both had sat up straight and were staring into the darkness. 

"Students," they both chorused. "Students in the junkyard." 

Gus turned his head and winced in pain. Jellylorum, as always by his side, put her paw in his lap and nuzzled him tenderly. He smiled weakly at her. 

"Well, let them come out," he said. "They might learn something about story-telling." 

"I'll get 'em!" exclaimed Etcetera and Jemima at the same time, and then they both giggled and hurried away from the fire. 

They went up to Joanna and Misty, who both couldn't believe their luck. Honestly, how often did you get the chance to sit with real Jellicles, listening to real Jellicle stories? 

The snow had melted near the fire, and the ground was dry to sit on. Joanna and Misty sat down as close as they could to the flames without burning themselves. It was nice to sit there. They felt good. 

Gus cleared his throat. "And now follows the story of the Cat That walked By Himself," he said, his voice no longer weak and sickly. "Hear and attend and listen; for this befell and behappened and became and was, O my Best Beloved, when the Tame animals were wild. The Dog was wild, and the Horse was wild, and the Cow was wild, and the Sheep was wild, and the Pig was wild ­ as wild as wild could be ­ and they walked in the Wet Wild Woods by their wild lones. But the wildest of all wild animals was the Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him..." 

It was a good story, one of those stories that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life. Gus's voice was strong and soothing, and his words melted together into a warm stream, like a song or hastily mumbled prayer. That, combined with the warmth from the bonfire, soon made Joanna's eyelids drop. Misty was already asleep, curled up in a furry ball near the fire. She had a smile on her face, and she was purring contentedly. 

Joanna noticed how the Jellicles started to nod off as well, and for a moment she pondered on whether this could be the opportune moment to sneak off and look for Misto. But when she tried to stand up, she found that her body was heavy and that her muscles would not obey her. 

'Oh well,' she thought sleepily. 'I can... look for him in the morning... No rush...' 

And she slept, and dreamed of cats with fur as black as midnight, walking alone, with their eyes gleaming like the full moon above... 

* * *

Joanna awoke in the early morning hours from the pain in her limbs. She was groaning even before she had opened her eyes. It was freezing cold, the fire had died a long time ago and only the glowing ember remained. The grey light of dawn was illuminating the junkyard, and the last of the stars faded. 

Joanna stood up, to huge protests from her aching body. Her head was pounding viciously as well. How wonderful. 

"That's the last time I sleep on the ground," she muttered, and gave Misty a gentle push with her foot to wake her up. "Misty!" 

"Wha'?" mumbled the faux Jellicle. "Whazzamatter?" 

"We fell asleep," said Joanna. "We should get back to our cars now." 

"Mmm..." Misty shivered and hid her face under her tail. "Jus' one minute..." 

Joanna rolled her eyes. "Misty! Come on, get up!" 

"'S cold. Me no wanna." 

Joanna felt her headache growing stronger. Dammit. To get sick now was just her luck. She bent down and poked Misty hard in the ribs. 

"Hey!" exclaimed the cat and jumped, completely awake. "I'm up, I'm up!" 

She yawned and stretched out, much like felines do, and then stood up. No canons were visible around the junkyard, they had probably left hours ago to rest in the faculty area instead. Joanna silently cursed herself for not having gone for Misto the previous night, when she had the chance. 

Ah well, no use crying over spilt milk... Hah. 

"You know what time it is?" mumbled Misty and yawned again. "Maybe there's no point in going to bed again, if we're just going to have to get up in half an hour." 

"I don't care, I have to lie down on something soft," said Joanna and groaned. "God, my back is killing me... I'll go to Jenny for some painkillers tomorrow." 

She sneezed, and whimpered slightly. 

"Bless you," said Misty kindly. "Wow, are you okay? You don't look so good." 

"I'm fine," muttered Joanna. "Just a small cold. Nothing serious." 

"My mum always says that a cold can turn into pneumonia if you're not careful. Perhaps you should skip class today and concentrate on getting better?" 

"Mmm..." Joanna opened the car of the TSE 4 and climbed in, swaggering slightly. Suddenly she felt very dizzy. "Maybe. Sleep now." 

"Right." Misty climbed in after her. "Goodnight, Jo." 

"Night..." 

And soon there was silence again. 

* * *

"Jo! Jo, wake up! _Jo, you wake up right now_!" 

Sleep was nice... She would like to keep sleeping for a while. There had been a dream there somewhere that had been nice, and she wouldn't mind keeping on dreaming it for a while. It had had a cat in it. Cats were nice. 

"Jo! Can I get some help here?" 

Hm. Noise. Noise was not nice. It disturbed her sleep. She frowned and grumbled something. There was another voice there now too. 

"Oh God... Is she okay?" 

"I don't know! I can't wake her!" 

A cool hand on her forehead... 

"Wow, she's burning up..." 

"I know! Arakasema, can you run and get Jenny? And hurry! I don't... I don't know if she's..." 

The voice dissolved into sobs. 

"Take it easy," said a soothing voice. "Jenny can fix it, no problem. It's probably nothing to worry about." 

"_Probably_?" 

Bad with noise. She didn't like it at all. She probably should try and tell them to be quiet, but she was just so... tired. 

"Hmm," she said. 

"Jo? Jo, can you hear me?" 

She knew that voice... Yeah, that was a familiar voice. Wow, her head felt really heavy... 

"Hmm," she said, again. 

"I don't know if you hear this, but don't worry. Things are gonna be okay. Jennyanydots is on her way to check on you." 

"Hmm." 

"Just try and relax..." 

And Joanna sank into unconsciousness once more.

* * *

**A/N:** Please stop asking whether or not you died at the Halloween Ball... I don't keep lists on things like that. You decide.

If you want to write spin-offs, the rules are now up on the OFUC website.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Aislin of the Shadows:** Oh, I'll most definitely allow adoptions of minis at the end of this fic. They're wreaking havoc in my room, all 95 of them! I'll make pretty little pictures of 'em. Not sure if I'll allow people to "call" minis, though. Just be ready to ask me when the time comes. Don't worry though, I think you'll get one. I have three Munkustrap minis to choose from.  
**Tera Earth:** In the video, Mistoffelees is simply called Mistoffelees, and the name Quaxo is only mentioned in "The Naming of Cats." However, in the lyrics of my CATS CD (worship!), it says, very neatly, that Wayne Sleep plays "Quaxo, otherwise known as Mr. Mistoffelees." It is one of those things that I suppose varies from performance to performance. Since I can't possibly bring up every separate show in this story, this is the version I'm going with: Quaxo is Mistoffelees when he is not performing magic.  
**Eponine:** Cat Morgan will show up at some point. Probably in Firefrorefiddle's Obscure Character's Club. Heh. OCC.  
**Jemima-luvah** and **Roman de la Croix**: What? What did I do?


	22. Much Ado About Homework

**Public Service Announcement:** The fanart contest is over! I have recieved so many pretty drawings! .:bounces:. The submissions should be up on the OFUC website (address in my profile) as soon as possible. .:looks hopefully at Mystitat:.  
And there are new spinoffs in town, which I'm sure a lot of you has heard of already. The first two are by Roman de la Croix, called "Macavity's Revenge" and "Yet Some More Revenge." Then there is "Diaries of Diablo" by Lobo Diablo Lone Wolf. If you can't get enough of this silly story, that's where to go!

**Twenty-Two: Much Ado About Homework**

"Well, I am impressed," said a rather merry voice from somewhere around her head. "This is the third time you end up in the infirmary, miss Swanson." 

Joanna opened her eyes. "Jenny?" 

"Yes, dear. Nice to see you with us again." Jennyanydots tsked. "Sleeping outside. A very stupid thing to do." 

"I didn't mean to," wheezed Joanna and coughed. "It's just happened." 

"Shh, don't try and talk with that voice you have," said the Gumbie Cat and shook her head. "Just lie still like a good girl, and I'll get you some warm beer. You have a pretty nasty cold, dear, but your fever has at least ebbed. We'll hope it doesn't rise again." 

Joanna groaned. "Sleepy..." 

"Yes, try and sleep a little. It'll do you a world of good, I'm sure. I'll tell miss Misty to drop by with your homework later." 

A loud wailing echoed through the junkyard suddenly, ending in a complaining sob, and Joanna frowned momentarily. "What was that?" 

Jennyanydots regarded her critically. "You are a Mistoffelees fangirl, aren't you?" 

Joanna nodded. 

"Then, and believe me when I say this, you really don't want to know." 

* * *

"New arrivals!" exclaimed Pouncival cheerfully as he walked into the faculty area, a line of minis traipsing behind him. "Gather 'round, everybody!" 

The OFUC staff looked at him curiously, holding their conversations as the Rumpus Cat ushered the minis inside to shield them from the snow. Having new mini-Pollicles arriving to the junkyard was always somewhat interesting, just because it gave them the chance to boggle at the foolishness of the people creating them. 

"What do you have for us now, Pounce?" asked Tumblebrutus and peeked at the minis, his head tilted to one side. He sat by the fire with his own 'Bruts and 'Brutis, sometimes casually throwing them a stick to fetch. 

"Well, I am glad you asked!" said Pouncival. "First we have a rare one: Bily McCaw. Here, Bily!" 

A mini who was strangely green in colour and had wings protruding from his back, squawked something that had no business being in a PG-13 rated fic at all, and walked up to the spotted tom. 

"I like him," said Kihr and waved at Bily McCaw. "His wings are very classy. Green is the new pink, you know." 

"It is?" inquired Gecka. "I hadn't heard that." 

"_Anyway_!" said Pouncival loudly. "We also have another one for our favourite Mystical Male. Here's Coricophat!" 

Coricophat was for some reason wearing a denim cap turned back to front. His fur, which like all the Coricopat minis was very dark, had some white strands of hair. If you squinted, they formed the words "Reprezent da hood" over his chest. 

"Naw, lookit the widdle hip-hop mini!" cooed Ekwy and scratched Coricophat behind the ears. "Isn't he adorable?" 

"Charming," said Coricopat, who was looking at his mini with something close to contempt. 

Coricophat couldn't care less, even though he clearly enjoyed being scratched behind the years. 

Another mini had showed up now. It was mostly a brown/black/white mix, but it had patches of gold here and there, and it was looking very confused indeed. 

"This is Damets," said Pouncival. 

"Let me guess," sighed Demeter. "One of mine?" 

Demter perked up, eager to get a sibling, and walked up to sniff curiously on Damets. 

"Actually, it's Admetus's." 

"Admetus's? But..." 

"Yes, we know." Pouncival shrugged. "He was referred to as a he in the story he spawned from, so that's our only guess. We're... actually not sure what he is." 

Damets looked at Demeter with huge eyes that flooded with tears and whimpered pitifully. 

"Poor thing," she murmured. "Come here, sweetie, I'll take care of you..." 

"Can we have shared custody?" asked Admetus hopefully. "I think Admetas wants someone to play with." 

The golden queen smiled warmly and nodded. 

"Well good, now that's out of the way," said Pouncival. "We had one more. Plato, you have your first mini! Meet Plaitao!" 

The mysterious looking cat raised his head in surprise. "Really? I have? But my name is only five letters, how can anyone..." 

"If they can misspell a common name like mine," muttered Victoria with a look on her own snow-white (and surprisingly masculine) Victora, who was playing with Etcetera's and Jemima's minis a few meters away, "they can most certainly misspell yours." 

"And that was all?" Miss Minnaloushe asked Pouncival, raising her eyebrows. "No... weird things today? Like random models of American cities, stuff like that?" 

"Only one thing, miss. The Russile Hotel. We figured we'd put it in the mini-Pollicle pen for them to sleep in." 

"Typical that it would show up now, when we're already finished with the hut," muttered Asparagus. "That's the Narrative Laws of Comedy, right there." 

Pouncival looked up to the sky, where stars had already begun twinkling. At this time of year it was never light out for long. 

"All right everyone!" he exclaimed. "All minis go back to their pen, except for Tantimolle, Skimbell and Munustrap, since you are on guard duty tonight. Come on now, chop, chop!" 

He gathered the minis to bring them back to the pen, and the faculty waved their goodbyes to their minis and returned to their chatter. 

"I would like to bring up the matter of Christmas celebrations with you all," said miss Minnaloushe and leaned back in her comfy armchair. "The holidays are closing in, and with mid-term papers coming up, I figure we should have some sort of reward at the end of the line. What do you think?" 

"Oh, let's have a party!" squealed Electra delightedly and clapped her paws together. "I love parties!" 

"Ah yes, because that worked out so wonderfully the last time," said Admetus and rolled his eyes. "I still bear scars from that night." 

Electra poked her tongue out at him. "Nothing that says it will happen again." She turned towards the course coordinator. "Please, miss Minnaloushe, can't we have a party?" 

Miss Minnaloushe smiled thinly. "I shall definitely consider it, Electra. We just have to make sure that what happened at the Halloween Ball does not happen again. Twins?" 

Coricopat and Tantomile flinched. "Yes?" they both said at the same time. 

"You do not happen to have any more gigantic monsters made out of a frozen dessert, do you?" 

"No, miss Minnaloushe." 

"Good." The course coordinator smiled again. "Then I think a party is in order. But not a costume party this time. Something else. It's time that someone brought a little table manners to this place..." 

* * *

Joanna spent the next three days in the infirmary, and then Jennyanydots kicked her out in favour of Electric Fire and Brize, who had both figured that the best way to get to Pouncival was to hang around the mini-Pollicle pen a lot. This, as it turned out, was not such a very good idea. Minis were very territorial, and they didn't trust fic-writers any longer than they could throw them. 

In any case, Joanna was still coughing a lot though, and felt faint when she was exhausting herself more than she should. Misty, who apparently had been Florence Nightingale in a past life, spent her time doting on her roommate, constantly asking her if she felt ill or wanted to rest. Joanna said that she felt fine. 

She was not fine. In the three days she had been away from class, she had received four essays, one paper and one article for the Lantern about how to properly characterize the Jellicle kittens to write. She was also in the middle of yet another attempt to write an original character that wasn't a Mary-Sue. It was... difficult, to say the least. Not to mention, mid-terms were coming up, and she had to study like a crazy person to catch up. 

"You really should try and relax a little," remarked Misty, who sat with Alida in her lap, trying to feed the pixay with more Shrimp Delights. "Sit down, have a nice cup of tea... With scotch in it, it's REAL nice." 

She grinned. Joanna sighed. 

"I don't have time for tea," she muttered. "I have tons of homework, and that article is not going to write itself, and Polly needs someone to play with her or she'll never turn into a Pollcile and I'll never graduate and if I don't graduate then I'll never be able to write CATS fanfiction again, and what..." 

"That's it!" Misty carefully put Alida back into the aquarium and then she curled up in Joanna's lap. "Pet me." 

Joanna stared at her. "What?" 

"It is scientifically proven that petting a cat lowers your blood-pressure, and there's a vein in your forehead that's throbbing creepily at the moment, so pet me or I'll scratch you!" The grey Jellicle purred and nuzzled her roommate. 

Joanna sighed. "If I pet you, will you allow me to go to the library afterwards? I have to come up with a name for my OC that's _not_ Kateryn Moonbeam Starsong, and there's a book that I have to look into." 

Misty made a gesture at the books that were littering the seats of the TSE 4. "You mean you don't have enough of them already?" Joanna gave her a look, and the cat sighed deeply and shrugged. "Fine, you can go to the library. But don't wear yourself out, Jo. That's never a good idea." 

Joanna only muttered something and began scratching her roomie behind the pointy ears. For a while, nothing was heard in the TSE 4 but the purrs from the Jellicle student, and the faint sound of falling snow outside. After about three minutes, Joanna's legs had turned numb, and Misty had fallen asleep with her head in her roommate's lap. The human girl groaned, but carefully lifted the Jellicle's head, placed it on a pillow next to her, and hurried to sneak out of the car door. 

The night air was crisp and cool, and her breath came out of her mouth in white clouds of condensation. For a moment she simply stood there, savouring the exquisite chill that felt so refreshing against her skin. In a distance she could hear the cheery shrieks from a few students that were in the middle of a snowball fight, but besides that it was completely quiet. 

Joanna sighed contentedly and started to walk towards the library. Perhaps Misty'd had a point. She did feel a bit more relaxed now, even thought her anxiety probably wouldn't go away until Christmas break. 

She passed the entrance to the faculty area, and flinched momentarily as she saw three minis standing guard outside. 

"Don't worry, I'm just on my way to the library," she said automatically, even though she wasn't sure that minis understood human speech. "I won't try and get in." 

The minis eyed her suspiciously, but they lay back down again. They did keep an eye on her until she had passed, though, so it was clear that they didn't trust her at all. Joanna quickened her pace a bit. Having a bunch of minis directly behind her instinctively made her very nervous. 

She reached the library and gave Grizabella a nod. The Glamour Cat had reluctantly taken the post as librarian since she would much rather spend time with the rest of the Jellicles, but when miss Minnaloushe had kindly reminded her that everyone had to do their part, she had grumpily accepted. She did seem to like it a little nowadays though. At least she gave Joanna a faint smile as the student entered. 

The library at OFUC was big. Not only did it carry copies of textbooks needed to succeed in classes; it also had a vast section of books about cats. Their history, breeds, how to properly raise kittens, what they ate, how to get your cat spayed... It was all there. And not only that. There were stories about cats, legends about them, myths about them. Everything that had ever been written about the noble specie called Felis catus had been collected here, and the library, that spread over three floors filled with bookshelves, was the largest area on campus. 

Joanna stood pondering for a moment before she set course on the small area reserved for what the faculty considered Good Fic. It was mostly CATS of course, but a few stories were from some of the larger fandoms, like Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Joanna knew that this section had the most comfortable chairs to sit in while reading, so she took down a book (_Felines through History: From Ancient Egypt to the Cheshire Cat_) from a shelf she passed, and was just about to sit down when she stopped and stared in surprise. 

In the largest chair of the entire library, the one with large red patches on its arms and back, sat miss Minnaloushe, clearly into a book of her own. The moment Joanna came close the course coordinator froze momentarily. 

"Good evening, miss Swanson," she said without looking up. "What brings you here at this hour?" 

"I... was just going to read for a bit," mumbled Joanna and waved with her book vaguely. "I need a good cat-name for an OC, and I figured I'd look through the history for inspiration..." 

Miss Minnaloushe raised her head and looked at the fic-writer with large, grey eyes. "A good idea, miss Swanson. By all means, don't let me bother you. I am only here to... relax for a bit." She stretched out her wings and hid a yawn. 

"Why relax here?" asked Joanna before she could stop herself. "I mean... isn't that what the faculty area is for?" 

Miss Minnaloushe chuckled slightly. "A wise man once said that cats has never forgotten that they were once worshipped as gods. Ironwings has always been a confident kind, but when you compare us to the Jellicles, we are most definitely beaten. I come here for some peace and quiet occasionally." She stood up and brushed off her dress. "However, it is time for me to retire now. You are welcome to take my seat, should you wish it." 

She neatly arranged the books she had been reading into a pile on the low table in front of her, gave Joanna a nod, and swept out of the library. 

Joanna sat down hesitantly. It felt weird to sit in the chair that she knew had hosted the course coordinator just moments before. It felt as if miss Minnaloushe was going to change her mind, come back and smite her just because she had dared such a sacrilege. 

Soon she settled in however, and cuddled up with her book in front of her. Then her eyes fell on the stack of books miss Minnaloushe had left behind, and her mouth fell open. 

"Why was miss Minnaloushe reading books on table manners?" she wondered out loud.

* * *

**A/N:** Todays cookie challenge: Who is the "wise man" who said that cat never forgot being worshipped as gods? I'll give you a clue. It's a very popular, British author.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Korora:** Yes, Joanna's misspellings of canon names at the beginning does make new minis.  
**Zazzie:** Yep, I got your entry for the contest, and it is lovely. :)  
**Roman de la Croix:** Jellylorum has had a lesson of her own. Bustopher, Tugger and Munkustrap has most certainly been mentioned a fair few times. And it seems to me like I write in Old D all the time! .:sigh:. It takes time to write a story like this. I don't have plans for every single Jellicle, even though I do the absolute best I can to get them all into this. Things can't happen all at once. You have to be patient.  
**TamerianRaven:** Which one, the Cat That Walked By Himself or Maneki-neko? The first one can be found over the internet, just google it. The second one I'm not so sure of. I read a very shortened version in a book, but that book does not exist in English... Look around!  
**JemimaWeasley:** You don't have to appologize, you didn't know. People just... keep asking me that question, as if I keep track of every single one of the fifty-odd students that go to OFUC...  
**tuggergirl:** Thank you for your review! I don't know if there will be more of the Jellice, we'll just have to wait and see. To enroll: Go to chapter six of this story. At the bottom of the chapter, you will find the enrollment form. Copy it and paste it into an email and send it to me at josefin at ingenting dot se. Done!  
**Twilight Poet:** Maybe. Wait and see. 


	23. Christmas Preparations

**A/N:** .:runs in, panting, carrying textbooks:. I know, I know, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while! School and real life got in the way, and I couldn't focus on my baby anymore... It was terrible! TERRIBLE! But now I'm back, I have four days of weekend to write on, and life is well again. :)

**Twenty-Three: Christmas Preparations**

It was morning. The snow lay thick and glittering on the ground, covering the TSEs and the paths through the junk. It was surprisingly quiet, since all students had decided that the first day of Christmas Break was a day to sleep in. In TSE 4, two students lay curled up underneath a large number of fuzzy blankets. The only sound being heard was that of the two snoring, and also the fluttering of pixay-wings.

After a moment or two there was a groan, and a paw covered in grey fur poked out from the pile of blankets and waved about in the chilly air. Someone shivered and the paw quickly disappeared under the blankets again. 

"Cold," reported a muffled voice. "Hey, Jo?" 

"Hm, what?" said a second voice, sounding newly-awakened and somewhat confused. "Oh... Mornin'." Joanna managed to untangle herself from the blankets and sat up, blinking dazedly. She perked up once she saw the snow. "Oh! Pretty!" 

Misty also sat up and wrinkled her nose. "More of the bloody snow. Cold and nasty, it is. Wake me when spring comes." 

She lay back down, trying to get back to sleep. Joanna pondered for a moment whether she should do the same, but her stomach protested loudly to that. She was starving. 

"I'll just pop off to the cafeteria for a bit, okay, Misty?" she said. "I need something to eat..." 

Misty only muttered something. Joanna shrugged and wrapped a pair of blankets around her. It was freezing cold, and she had a feeling that Mistoffelees had neglected putting force-fields over the TSEs on purpose. Stupid, sparkly twit. 

She jogged through the snow with the blankets billowing out behind her. White clouds of condensation came out of her mouth as she breathed, and the snow crunched under her feet. In a junkyard that usually held so many peculiar things, it was a surprisingly normal sound. 

The kitchen was silent as Joanna arrived. Macavity's henchcats had apparently also decided to sleep in today, and the common sounds of breakfast being prepared was reduced to one black cat standing by a stove, frying bacon in a large pan. The cat looked up and hissed at Joanna, mostly out of habit. 

"Good morning," she said politely. "I was just hungry... you think I could take a snack?" 

The black cat shrugged. "Student food in cupboard. Just you don't mess anythin' up." 

Joanna smiled. She was quite used to the henchcats's bad grammar by now, even if she used to wonder silently to herself what miss Minnaloushe and the PPC Agents thought about it. She nodded at the black cat and walked up to the cupboard. She knew what it used to contain: a large supply of Shrimp Delights, at least one bit of mouse-cake that not even the rats would touch, and cabbage, for some reason. She grabbed a bag of Shrimp Delights to bring back to the TSE 4, and then she caught sight of something. 

On the top shelf of the cupboard stood a large, blue plate, filled with the most spectacular display of seafood she had ever seen. There was shrimps arranged it neat patterns, caviar in small, exquisite china bowls, and of course many different sorts of fish. It looked delicious, and much more advanced than any student snack she had rafsed from the cupboard in the past. 

Joanna reached out to nab a shrimp, but the black cat growled at her: "Don't mess anythin' up!" 

Joanna's hand stopped moving halfway to the plate, and she pouted. "Sorry. What's it for?" 

"Students mustn't know. It big surprise. Miss Minnaloushe said not tell. Commanded. And boss said. Must do what boss says, student knows." The black cat nodded gravely. 

"Yeah, we've figured that out," muttered Joanna, the entire incident behind the new verse of Macavity in fresh memory. "Is it for the Christmas party?" 

"Maybe," said the henchcat and stirred the bacon with its back towards her. "Student should go now. Student got the snack. There's tea in kettle too, if student should want." It nodded at a huge brass kettle on a hot-plate. 

"Thanks." 

Joanna filled a thermos with hot tea and poured some milk into it before saying goodbye to the black cat and get on her way back to the TSE 4. She tore open the bag of Shrimp Delights and began munching on the one the way. It was amazing how quickly you got used to eat things that reminded more of cat-treats than anything else, rather than comfort-eating chocolate at any odd hour. This was probably better for her teeth though. 

She strolled lazily back to her warm sleeping-quarters. So far it had been a pretty decent day, and she would prefer it if it would stay that way. Lately she had been extremely stressed out about her grades, she still hadn't found the perfect name for her OC, and she had recently discovered that she just could not write on command. 

And she actually found herself being homesick. That was weird. She had never even considered herself a person to get homesick easily, but suddenly everything reminded her of home. She missed her parents; she even missed her brother. And that was something. She was split in two about the whole situation. One part of her wanted to stay desperately, since this was a place where she had friends that _understood_ why she loved CATS so much. If summer should come tomorrow, they would be what she would miss. And lessons with Mistoffelees, of course. And maybe the food, too. The food was good. 

The other part wanted home, right now. It wanted to sleep in her real bed, in her real room, without the eternal smell of junk in her nostrils every day and without getting ambushed by mini-Pollicles when she least expected it. 

Bah. Life wasn't fair. 

Joanna was so deep in thoughts that she didn't notice it when she walked into a large conifer that had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. She yelped out in pain as the dark green needles poked her skin. 

"Hey watch it!" The red face of Bombalurina poked up and glared at the student. "Eyes on the road!" 

"Sorry," gasped Joanna and hurried out of the way, silently cursing the fact that she had dropped most of the Shrimp Delights in the snow when she'd walked into the tree. "I... I didn't see you there." 

"We figured as much," muttered Skimbleshanks and hoisted up the tree further onto his shoulders. "Hm. Students today, always so wrapped up in themselves..." 

Joanna squinted at the bushy tree. She could see glimpses of different coloured fur here and there, and she thought she spotted Munkustrap's silver and the Rum Tum Tugger's velvety black somewhere as well. Various minis strutted by their feet, always ready to pounce, should a student show up. They regarded Joanna with the eerie confidence that clearly said: "Glomp and die, that's how it goes." 

Joanna swallowed. This was not exactly how she'd wanted the day to continue. She apologized again, curtsying nervously as she pulled backwards. Then she gathered her bag, her thermos and her blankets and hurried away. 

* * *

"Ho ho ho!" Mungojerrie beamed at the running student with his best Santa impression. "An' what do _you_ want for Christmas, li'l girlie?" 

She only gave him a wide smile, but said nothing. She only clung to her bag of Shrimp Delights and ran off as fast as she could. 

"Students today," sighed Rumpleteazer, echoing Skimbleshanks' previous statement. "Hey, can someone explain ta me again why we're carryin' this thing to the junkyard?" 

"Miss Minnaloushe says that we should try an' get things as similar as possible to the tradit'nal Christmas," explained Mungojerrie cheerily and took a new grip of the tree. "She's really excited 'bout i'. She's never had a real mortal Christmas before, ya know." 

"Oh, an' like we have?" 

"Hey you back there!" came Munkustrap's voice from somewhere inside the tree. "Keep quiet and carry this bloody pincushion to its proper place!" 

Rumpleteazer giggled, but she and Mungojerrie kept their mouths shut until the tree had been carried off to the Jellicle junkyard. By then the fur on their hands were sticky from resin, and they felt messier than they had in a long time. As soon as the tree was erected the Jellicles started to clean themselves until said messiness had been neatly put back into place, and then they stared at the tree. 

"So what do you suppose we do now?" asked the Rum Tum Tugger and squinted at the far top of the tree. 

Munkustrap shrugged. "Miss Minnaloushe said something about decorating it. Made little sense to me. The kittens are off to get the things we need however, so we'll figure it out." 

"Do we have to?" sighed Bombalurina. "Haven't we done our part already by getting this thing here?" 

There were some mutterings of agreement from the other Jellicles. No one had the time to say anything, though, because then Etcetera, Electra, Jemima and Victoria showed up, all carrying large cardboard boxes filled to the brims with shiny, glittering things. Their eyes glowed almost as bright as the tinsel they carried. 

"It is _very_ chase-worthy!" announced Electra and beamed. "There are these little red, shiny balls, you see, and they are _so_ good to play with, and they make _such_ a pretty sound when they break..." 

"I don't think we're supposed to break them, Electra," said Munkustrap with a small smile. "We're supposed to use them for this tree." He nodded at it. 

"But they're shiny!" whined Jemima. "How can we _not_ play with them?" 

"We'll just have to restrain ourselves. Miss Minnaloushe counts on us. She'd be here herself, but she had some things that she had to go through with the Headmasters. Now." The grey tabby opened one of the boxes and grabbed a hold of a long garland with flags from all possible countries. "This is... really quite enticing," he had to admit. "But no. We must be strong. Jerrie!" 

He glared at the male calico, who had snuck up on an unopened box, his tail waving eagerly from side to side, and his eyes gleaming. When Munkustrap called out to him, he immediately straightened himself up. 

"Wha'?" he asked, looking at the tabby with large, innocent eyes. "Wha' did I do?" 

"Don't think I didn't see you," scolded Munkustrap. 

"Perhaps we should leave this job to the students," said Victoria nervously. "I... I don't really trust myself around all these glittering stuff." 

"Enough!" Munkustrap sighed. "We are of a noble specie, we Jellicles. We should be able to stand against this temptation. Think of the humiliation, think of the ridicule! The students would lost their respect for us if they saw us give in to this... _very_ intriguing idea, as if we were nothing but Pollicles! No offence," he added to his own five minis. "You know I respect you greatly." 

Munkestrap, Munkistrap, munkusrapt, Munkustap and Munustrap all shrugged simultaneously. Their name-sake smiled, and then he looked up at his tribe. 

"Now, will you join me?" he asked. 

The Jellicles sighed, and mumblings of "fine," "sure," and "if you put it _that_ way..." were heard. 

Munkustrap looked proud, and was just about to start giving people assignments when he heard it. 

The soft, tinkling sound, of a Christmas bauble breaking. It was so exquisite, so perfected, that it sent shivers down his spine. He groaned. 

"Oh for _Heaviside's sake_..." 

Maybe the OFUC Christmas tree could manage without _some_ of its ornaments anyway...

* * *

**A/N:** Well, I am VERY disappointed that no one managed to figure out who said it! The direct quote is: "A long time ago, cats were worshipped as gods; the cats have not forgotten this." And it was, of course, the wonderful and hilarious **Terry Pratchett** who said it. Ah well, more cookies for me!

**Regarding the winner of the Fanart Contest:** A lot of people has asked me when you'll find out who won it. First of all you have to know how EXTREMELY difficult this was for me. I couldn't decide on simply ONE winner all by myself, so I asked my family and friends what they thought. Together we all decided on three finalists. These are:  
"Deuteronomy and Minnaloushe," by Rallikit.(Also known as Ralli-Rah.)  
"Aftermath," by Roman de la Croix.  
"Trick or Treat," by Aislin Kageno.  
The rest of you, thank you SO much for playing, I love you all, and there will be prizes for you too. In my next update, I will reveal the winner.

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Aier:** No, I did mean "he."  
**Jemima-luvah:** Do you REALLY want all seven of Macavity's minis? They'll wreak havoc on your home, you know. They've already made a mess of my room! It's terrible. One of these days, my mother will probably force me to CLEAN it!  
**Korora:** Heeelp... I don't speak Spanish. I have no idea what you just said.  
**Mystical21:** Misty curled up _with her head_ on Joanna's lap. You're right, she can't fit there.  
**Ralli-Rah:** Yeah, I'm sorry... It's too late to change your species. /  
**Antigone:** Good for you! Yes, yes, calm yourself. I focus more on getting the newly enrolled people into the story before I give the already featured ones a new cameo...  
**Arakasema:** Yeah, it was a little Wicked reference there. :) Glad someone saw it!  
**Brize:** All righty, I'll make a note of that, thanks...


	24. Dreaming and Scheming

**A/N:** Once upon a time there was an Ekwy. This Ekwy wrote a story called OFUC, and boy did she love that story! At the beginning it was a piece of cake, the words came easily for the Ekwy, and she thought it would always be that way. But alas, for a wicked witch called Writer's Block put her evil curse on the Ekwy, blocking her mind so that no more words came. And Ekwy was mightily pissed off about it, but she was not skillful enough to fight the witch's terrible curse. Occasionally she would get an idea for her OFUC, but the idea turned to dust once she had tried to put it on paper. The Ekwy was despairing. "Alas!" she wept. "Woe is I, for my reviewers will surely smite me for never updating! Angst! Sob! Woe!" But then came Ekwy's fairy godmother, called Inspiration, and lo, for she did wave her magic wand of IDEA! and the curse of the wicked witch Writer's Block was lifted! There was rejoicing all through the land! Or at least in the House of Ekwy, there was. And they lived happily ever after!

It's all true. Except the last part with the magic wand. The wicked witch is not EXACTLY defeated, but I'm getting there. Promise.

**Twenty-Four: Dreaming and Scheming**

Joanna soon found out that when you were not doing homework, there was little else to do at OFUC campus. That was why it came as a relief once word got out that all students at OFUC were due to pick out fancy clothes for the extremely posh Christmas party.

So the Monday that week the female students were told to go the cafeteria, where large racks had been placed, all hung full of dresses in various shapes, colours and cuts. A few Jellicle queens were trotting around the place to help them out. (Both Griddlebone and Jellylorum had an eye for this type of things, so they had volunteered right away. Bombalurina had stepped up just because she wanted to chat some more with Griddlebone. The two queens had a lot in common.) 

Most of the girls where in heaven, since they hadn't been able to go shopping for a very long time, but not all of them were in a good mood. 

"This is a waste of my time," said Misty as she regarded the dressing gowns with distaste. "I mean, what is the point anyway? We'll only use them once." 

"Come on, Misty," smiled Joanna and held up a piece of red silk to her face. "Are you saying that you don't find this even a little bit fun? More importantly, does this go with my skin tone?" 

"Not even one bit. The red, that is, not whether or not this is fun. Because it is fun. A little bit. But I still don't get why we have to pick dresses for a stupid Christmas party." 

"Because miss Minnaloushe wants to say she's sorry for having killed us on numerous occasions?" suggested Poe helpfully as she tried on eye-shadow and admired herself in Griddlebone's large mirror. 

The idea of miss Minnaloushe being sorry for anything was so ridiculous that Joanna and Misty simply snorted in unison. "Yeah, right..." 

Griddlebone came sassing up to them, her long, fluffy tail raised in the air to make sure it wasn't getting dirty. Behind her trailed her three minis, plus Jessedandle, who had taken one look at the gorgeous Persian queen and immediately converted from Skimbleshanks admirer to Griddlebone fangirl. 

"And how are we doing here?" asked Griddlebone. "Did you find anything you like?" 

She had a very distinct way of speaking, the lady. She spoke carefully and neatly, clearly pronouncing each syllable. It sounded a bit like Bustopher Jones did, without sounding too pompous. It probably had something to do with them both being noble folk. 

Joanna shrugged. "Well, I'm very fond of this red thing here..." 

"You have a lousy taste in clothing," snorted Griddlebone. "Red is clearly not your colour; it makes you look like a corpse. Try this." 

She picked out a blue dress. It looked very classy with a square cleavage and white lace at the brim. Joanna took it and held it up. Griddlebone was right. It brought out her eyes. 

The Persian left them both, shaking her head and muttering about students being "un-fashionable twits." Joanna and Misty shrugged, and then they got back to try and accessorize. 

* * *

The last few days until Christmas went painfully slowly. The hours stretched out into forever, and the students were all impatient. Since most students were fangirls of some variety, OFUC suffered countless tries to glomp Lust Objects during these days. The faculty kept count on successful glompings (none) and those who had been stopped by minis (forty-nine), PPC Agents (twenty-six) or through... faculty interference (one hundred and thirty-seven). So far Macavity was in the lead for most students killed, with Mistoffelees not too far behind. 

The magical cat had suffered a lot. He rarely left the faculty area nowadays, but spent his time in the Heaviside Lair, sleeping and planning vicious ways to despatch of students. Ekwy and Gecka hadn't the heart to tell him that students had found a way to get in, so when the tunnel that Mystitat, Eclectica and Jessedandle had dug a few months ago was discovered, the Agents quietly got it filled up and nailed planks of wood in front of the two openings. 

"We have to do something about this," said Ekwy as she threw Qmélie Ronron a biscuit. "I'm exhausted, you're exhausted, even the minis are tired." She sighed and petted Qmélie, who yawned. "If it keeps going on like this... I don't know if we'll be able to keep them in check." 

Her sister nodded. "I know. Killing them doesn't slow them down as much as it used to. When they wake up, they just go on their merry way to think of another plan to get to their LOs. Something has to be done." 

Miss Minnaloushe, who was sitting in the shadows regarding her both employees, sat up straight. Her wings unfolded a bit, making a sound like a dozen rattlesnakes. 

"What do you suggest, then?" she asked. 

The Agents leaned back, both frowning. 

"Well," said Gecka finally. "I... don't really know. We have to make them behave until school starts up again when they can get other things on their minds. Make them calm down..." 

"Perhaps a contest?" suggested Ekwy. "A behaving contest? The one who is the nicest and quietest wins a great prize!" 

"And what prize would that be?" wondered miss Minnaloushe. "It has to be something they would care about. Care deeply about." 

Gecka's eyes lit up suddenly. "A dance!" she exclaimed happily. Then she blushed slightly and lowered her voice. "A dance with their Lust Objects. It would be a HUGE prize. They would all go through fire and water to win that!" 

"I don't like it much." The course coordinator wrinkled her nose. "And I doubt the Jellicles will agree." 

"Oh, you don't know that," protested Ekwy. "They might go for it. Anything to get the students off their backs. Although Mistoffelees might be a problem..." She frowned. "He's been a little... jumpy lately." 

"I can get Victoria to speak with him," said miss Minnaloushe. "That kitten has a talent for making him see reason." She smiled faintly. "It is somewhat endearing, really." 

"Then it is decided," grinned Ekwy. "Now. Can I announce it at the party, please, please, please?" 

* * *

Christmas Eve. 

Joanna was feeling pleasantly sleepy, a feeling that could only come from a long day of being outside, playing in the snow. She had helped tuggergirl and Nabooru building a snowman, but gotten into a fight with tuggergirl on whether they should give it a mane or not. The fight would have gotten ugly, had not Tugger walked by just then and sent his fangirl into the blissful state of unconsciousness. 

After finishing the snowman (no mane, thank you very much) Joanna had gotten caught up in a snowball fight with basically the entire student body. She was now freezing down to her bone, her fingers were basically blue, and Xbakiyalo (or as Joanna called her "The One With The Unpronounceable Name") had accidentally thrown a snowball right in her face. Her nose was now a very classy shade of red, and it ached dully. 

Hurriedly, Joanna jumped into the TSE 4, not getting out of her wet clothes fast enough. She shivered with cold and wrapped herself up in blankets, creating a warm and dry little nest for herself. 

'Much better,' she thought contentedly. 'If I'd been a Jellicle student, I would've purred right now.' 

She closed her eyes, and soon she was sleeping. And dreaming... 

_She was sitting in the library at OFUC, and she was trying to write a story. A lot of books were piled up in front of her on the table, thick and old-looking books with names she forgot as soon as she read them. She was looking for something, something important, but she couldn't remember... _

She tried to read the words she had already written, since she knew that sometimes your muse came to visit you in dreams and she might learn something from this one. The letters wriggled like worms on the page, too blurred to make any sense of at all. She groaned in frustration and tried harder, until her eyes filled with tears from the strain. 

Slowly, she became able to see the words. 

Bastet was not your normal cat. Her fur was a lovely pearly grey and it was long like the one of a Persian. Her eyes were large and emerald green with sparkles of gold just close to the pupil. She was always smiling, much like her best friends, Victoria and Etcetera... 

_"This is a Mary-Sue," she said out loud. "I can't finish this."_

_But... she had to have something to hand in! My god, it was already time for her to write the end-term fic, the one that would set her entire grade! Without it, she wouldn't be able to graduate! _

Her heart pounding, she looked up to see the shimmering force-field. It was snowing outside, and the sky was uninviting and grey. But... shouldn't it be summer now? 

"You're still writing?" asked Misty in surprise and waved her own fic around. It looked at least three hundred pages thick. "I wrote mine months ago. You should have started sooner, Jo." 

"I know," she mumbled. "I... I tried..." 

Misty threw her head back and howled in pain at the moon as iron wings forced their way out of her back. Then she smiled. Her face changed into that of miss Minnaloushe. An angry _miss Minnaloushe. _

"Well, you didn't try hard enough," she said coldly and tore the paper from Joanna's hands. She ripped it into long shreds that she threw into the air. "This is garbage. Looks like you'll be here for another year, miss Swanson. Really, I'd have expected better from you." 

The fic-shreds turned into Shrimp Delights, and mini-Pollicles jumped up to catch them. 

"What do you want with us anyway?" asked Old Deuteronomy as he watched them. He looked up and stared into Joanna's eyes, and in that moment he seemed ancient. "We can't give you what you look for. It is not ours to give. So what do you want, really?" 

She said the first thing that came to mind: "I want to be... one of you." 

"You can't. You don't understand. How can you be what you don't understand?" He smiled a little, as if she was an ignorant child who didn't know any better. "Are you blind when you are born... can you see in the dark..." 

Joanna wanted to cry out to him that she could understand, that she could see if they would only let her, if they wouldn't shun her all the time, if they... if they... 

"Everything has rules," whispered Coricopat. "Even this." 

"We have to know the rules," whispered Tantomile. "To learn." 

"To evolve." 

"To grow." 

"We're all kittens in the beginning." 

"You've grown already." 

"I have?" asked Joanna. 

"Yes... Can't you see? Look at yourself." 

She did. Sharp claws grew from her fingers, that suddenly pounding with pain. Her hands were swollen, and blood dripped from her fingernails. But they were there. Claws. Jellicle claws. 

"We tamed Men a long time before you even moved into your caves," the Twins' voices echoed. "Before Men discovered fire and the protection it gives, Cats had learned what life was. That's what the Book says." 

Joanna frowned. "The Book?" 

"The Book. There is a Candle, there is a Bell, and there is a Book. Wake up now, miss Swanson." 

Joanna opened her eyes. 

"Jo! Hey, Jo! Come on, get up now. We have to get ready for the feast!" 

Joanna groaned, still half asleep. The last memory of the dream faded away as Misty's face came into view. 

"Hello, sleepy-head," her roomie chirped. "Did you have a nice nap?" 

"How long did I sleep?" mumbled Joanna and rubbed her eyes. 

Misty shrugged. "You were when I came here about a half hour ago. It's almost time for dinner, so you'd better get up. You know it's 'Bad Form' to arrive to a party late." Her imitation of miss Minnaloushe was so good that Joanna grinned widely. 

"All right, fine." She sat up and yawned. "But I thought that noble people arrived fashionably late? Isn't that a rule from somewhere?" 

"If it is then I don't think miss Minn has heard about it. So hurry up!" 

Joanna did. She swiftly dove into her dress. It really did go well with her eyes, she reflected. It was just too bad that it clashed with the current colour of her nose. She took a blanket and patted her injury carefully. 

"Think this can be covered with make-up?" she asked Misty. 

Her roommate shrugged. "I doubt it. But it's December, everyone's noses will be red from the cold anyway." 

Joanna giggled. "True. Just let me get my hair up and I'll be ready to go." 

She looked at her blond hair in the car mirror before putting it in a classy ponytail. She wrapped a silk ribbon the colour of her dress around it, and made sure her gown looked presentable. Then she turned towards Misty, who had decided clothes just weren't "her thing" and gone with a simple red bow around her neck. Her grey fur was silky smooth, and even her whiskers were impeccably straight. 

"You ready?" Misty asked. 

"Certainly, my lady," answered Joanna.

* * *

The winner of the Official Fanfiction University of Cats Fanart Contest is: .:drummroll:. ** Rallikit** with **Deuteronomy and Minnaloushe!**  
I'd like to thank everyone who participated, and there should be rewards for you all in your inboxes. :) A shout-out to Mystitat here: She's good at making awards, isn't she? She made me one as well. I was a sneaky Ekwy and entered the contest too. I am Gissa Vem, with the stick-figures. "Gissa Vem" is Swedish for "Guess Who." Whee...

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**PDT:** .:smiles enigmatically:.  
**Korora:** I guessed as much...  
**Jemima-luvah: **That is an excellent question. Things like bad hearing and bad eyesight will vanish once transformed into a Jellicle or a Pollicle since cats and dogs have better senses thatn humans. A broken leg... That would stay, though. Mistoffelees and the Twins would probably help out in making it heal faster, but it wouldn't go away that quickly.  
**Arakasema:** Yes. Yes, it should. D'oh! .:puts a leash on Rumple-teezer and leads her away:.  
**Desert Thief:** He might...  
**aier of mirkwood:** Well, that's not nice. I hope Lu feels better! She probably does by now, though... Wow, your review was really long. But I resent that I am late in celebrating Christmas! I am _early_. :)  
**JemimaWeasley:** Okay, pointers you want, pointers you'll get. There'll be emailed to you, since it would take up too much space here.  
**Mystical21:** Yeah sure, Desert Thief can be your roomie if you want. :)  
**Roman de la Croix:** No... not because of you. .:whistles and looks very innocent indeed:. Well yes, because of you. The whole "Killing off a canon character" thing was a bit of a shock and not what I had expected. Although if there's one thing I've learned here it is to expect the unexpected from you, Rome. In any case, a spanking is due. .:grabs the riding crop and chases you around campus:.  
**Eponine:** All new minis except Macvity, him I've seen around. He's a vicious mini. Other Les Mis fans? No, sorry, I don't know i there are any at OFUC. Dude... Freaky dream, that. You tell your subconcious that I am not a blond, I am a brunette. And I'm not good with kids, so I'll never babysit to save my life. You'd want Gecka for that. If you dream about me again, you should get it right this time. :)  
**tuggergirl:** Don't worry, I am not offended. I'm just glad people care enough about the story to comment when there is a mistake. But... where are there spelling errors? I always use spell check, you see.


	25. The Other Pink

**A/N:** Chapters won't show up as quickly as they once did, I'm sorry to say. I don't have Writer's Block per se, but things are going slower. Updates will be somewhat regular, but no where near as often as before.  
**ENROLLING IS NOW PERMANTENTLY CLOSED.** The TSEs are all full. Thank you everyone who enrolled!

Note: My heart goes out to those affected by the bombings of the London Underground. Londoners that might be reading: I am in awe of your abilities to laugh it off, and I love you all.

Disclaimer: The Cheshire Cat doesn't belong to me, but to Lewis Carrol. And CATS still isn't mine. The only people that are are Joanna, Misty, miss Minnaloushe, Gecka, Ekwy and Kihr. The rest are fictional or reviewers. Yep.

**Twenty-Five: The Other Pink **

Miss Minnaloushe regarded the Christmas tree sceptically, scratching her chin. 

"That is strange," she said after a while. "I was certain we had more ornaments, Munkustrap." 

The grey tabby coughed and looked on the ground. "Well, we are cats you know... It's difficult to resist..." 

The course coordinator sighed. "I see." She looked at the tree again. "I see you managed to get things to the branches high up as well." 

"It wasn't difficult." Munkustrap looked admiringly at his claws. "We're pretty decent climbers. And Etcetera managed to get up to the top and put the moon into place." 

Miss Minnaloushe squinted at the top of the tree, where a large silver plate gleamed as a full moon. "Oh yes. A star would be somewhat inappropriate, indeed. A moon is much more fitting for the Jellicle tree." She frowned momentarily. "Is that... Rumpleteazer's necklace?" 

She pointed at a shimmering bead of pearls that hung from a branch not far from the moon. 

"Yes. We felt a little bad about breaking most of the Christmas decorations, so we added some things ourselves. I think you can see Tugger's belt there somewhere as well." 

"Indeed you can. But I wouldn't point that out to the students; they would try and steal it to keep it as a souvenir." 

"Don't worry, miss. We thought about that. It's too high for any human students to reach it, and the branch it hangs on is too thin to hold for a Jellicle student trying to get it. It shouldn't be a problem. Unless the students somehow learn to fly..." 

The course coordinator was silent for a moment. "Well, I wouldn't put anything pass them, you know. Perhaps we should let minis patrol the area, just to make sure. I suspect you'll want your possessions back after the holidays..." 

* * *

The first thing Joanna and Misty noticed as they walked into the Jellicle junkyard was the Christmas tree. It was somewhat difficult to miss, being at least ten feet tall and adorned with brilliant baubles and ornaments that made Misty's eyes sparkle. 

"Want... to break them," she mumbled and took a few steps towards the tree. "Pretty breakables..." 

A couple of mini-Pollicles sat up from their places at the bottom of the tree and growled at her, causing her to jump. 

"Okay then, perhaps not..." 

Misty backed a few steps, and the mini-Pollicles lay down again. They did not close their eyes however, but kept them open in case other students would get the very silly idea to try and break the Christmas ornaments. 

The two fic-writers hurried away from the tree and looked at the rest of the Jellicle junkyard. It was mostly table, really. It had been cleaned as much as was possible, and various large objects like old washing machines and ovens had been placed in uneven squares on the ground. Sheets had been thrown over them to make them look like tables, and garlands of holly had been placed neatly around the plates and glasses (and the occasional bowl). Someone had placed candles all around, which were illuminating the junkyard in a warm, golden light. The air smelled of gingerbread and pudding. 

"Wow," said Joanna. 

"Yeah," agreed Misty. "It's not bad." 

The found places to sit down by a couple of wooden boxes, where they had a rather nice view of the Tire. Miss Minnaloushe stood on it, clearly waiting for everybody to arrive. Once all seats were filled and the faculty had taken their place by their own separate table, she cleared her throat. 

"Before we begin our feast," she said and adjusted the tasteful bow (which was red for the occasion) that kept her hair in its neat bun, "there are a few announcements that has to be made. First of all, we have all heard about your little 'who-dies-most-times' contest. I think you missed our point there somewhere along the way, but anything that takes your one-track minds off glomping is quite fine with me." She gave Jennyanydots a look, and the Gumbie Cat nodded approvingly. "Jenny has gone through her forms, and we do indeed have a winner." 

She coughed slightly as she received a piece of paper from Ekwy. 

"It's Mystitat," she said plainly. "Hurrah, and so forth." 

The students applauded politely as Mystitat gave a happy squeal and stood up. She ran up onto the Tire, and miss Minnaloushe stepped back with a small sigh. 

"Thank you!" exclaimed Mystitat joyfully. "Oh, I wish to thank everyone who killed me, I couldn't have done it without you! Wait, I have a list..." She fumbled with a notepad and cleared her throat. "First of all, there is of course Misto's sweet little minis: Mistfellis, Mistofalees, Mistoffalees, Mistofelees, Mistofellees, Mistofelles, Mistoffles, Mistofflees, Mistoflees, Mistoffolees, Mistoffoles, Mistofolees, Mistofolese, Mistofyleis and last but not least Mistophelees! You never stopped believing in me!" (Here she wiped a tear from her eye with the tip of her tail.) "And then there is of course my friends in the Misto Squad, many of you who never ceased to stand by me when I was despairing, and were always ready to get me killed..." 

"There is something VERY wrong with this thank-you speech," Joanna heard MagicalMisto mutter to mrmistoffelees. 

The Jellicle student nodded. (The two had immediately bonded since they both had named themselves after their favourite Jellicle. They had even started a club with Jemima-luvah, JemimaWeasley and Tuggergirl. Their motto was: "If you love 'em, name yourself after 'em!") 

Mystitat kept on thanking people, but after five minutes of her reeling off every mini-Pollicle that had ever killed her, miss Minnaloushe shooed her off the Tire. 

"Yes, thank you, miss Mystitat," she said. "That would be quite enough." She coughed slightly as the fangirl squeaked and hurried off to her seat. Miss Minnaloushe turned to her students. "Good evening, you all. I am glad to see you here tonight." 

A couple of students snorted, "yeah right," but no one had the guts to object to the course coordinator's statement. 

"I am glad to see you because that means we're able to educate as many as possible," continued miss Minnaloushe. "In my opinion there has been a terrible lack of table manners and Good Form at this school. That will change, starting this minute. This dinner will serve as a lesson to you in how to behave. I am a great believer in politeness." She smiled. "Those who fail will become dinner for the minis. And let me tell you, there is no prize you can win that will make a death like that worthwhile." 

* * *

The dinner party was a disaster. Joanna could feel it. The whole thing was ridiculous. A lesson in table manners? What good was that going to do? Would it help them to get their fic-writing licence? Would there be extra credit involved? And why were there so much _cutlery_? 

"Just start at the knife and fork furthest away from your plate and work yourself in," whispered Misty, who had been at dinner parties like this in her days. "And try to look like you know what you're doing!" 

Joanna tried. She really did. But it's hard to remember which fork is the salad fork when there are hungry minis staring at you, hoping that you would fail. In the end she placed her knife and fork in the neat "a quarter past three" position on her plate, to show Macavity's henchcats that she had finished eating. They came up to her to take her plate away. She mournfully watched it disappear as her stomach grumbled hungrily. It was too bad, really. The food had been delicious, just like she'd known it would be. 

"Is it rude to leave the table?" she asked Misty. 

"Yes," replied the Jellicle student without even bothering to look up for such a stupid question. "And miss Minnaloushe will use you for target-practice if you stand. There will be tea later, though, I think. Even you couldn't possibly mess up with tea." 

"Oh, don't be too sure," muttered Joanna sulkily and sat back down. "This isn't really my thing." 

"I figured as much." 

Misty didn't say much else; she was too busy eating. She was however right. After dessert had been served (sweet rice pudding with cream) the tables were cleared and pushed away, to make room for a dance-floor. Large kettles of tea were placed out here and there along the sides, and the students were invited to mingle. By now everyone (with the exception of Joanna) were full and quite happy with sitting down for a while before the music would start playing. Even glomping was out of the question. 

And that was when it happened. 

For a moment there was a strange humming in the air, and Joanna looked around to see from where it came. She saw nothing at first, but when she squinted she spotted a few glittering sparks hovering above the Tire. Misty was standing leaning against the rubber circle, chatting with Aier and Russ. Neither had noticed the sparks. 

'I must be hallucinating,' thought Joanna and shook it off. 'The hunger's getting to me...' 

The humming grew stronger, and it seemed like it was coming from the mysterious sparks. Aier's eyes suddenly widened, and she pointed at them. Joanna was not hallucinating. Others saw them too. 

She, along with the most of the other students, stared in wonderment and fear as the sparks started to glow brightly... and then there was a cat there. Misty gave a little shriek and dropped her teacup, which shattered against the asphalt. She and her two companions all backed a few steps, all the while staring at the newly arrived cat. 

There was something very familiar about that cat, noticed Joanna. It was fairly big and rather shaped like a big pear. Its fur was striped in light pink and magenta, and it was balancing a teapot on its head seemingly without any trouble at all. The most peculiar thing was though that the cat was grinning widely, and it did not seem to be even a bit surprised to find itself at the Jellicle junkyard. 

_Very_ familiar. But _different_. 

"It's pink," mumbled Valessia from somewhere behind Joanna. "You think it's a Sue?" 

"Not likely," Joanna whispered back. "A Sue would never have that shape..." 

The cat looked around. "This is a new place," it stated calmly. It was still grinning. 

"Who are you?" asked a brave soul. "What... You're not a Jellicle cat." 

"I am a Cheshire Cat," said the cat. 

A number of students blinked. 

"As in the Alice in Wonderland Cheshire Cat?" asked Joanna finally. 

The Cat only grinned. It was disturbingly good at that. It was also starting to look a little... blurry around the edges, as if it was fading away. Its sharp teeth glinted in the moonlight. A number of students shivered. 

"Does it have to keep doing that?" muttered Morgailly nervously. "It freaks me out." 

"It's the Cheshire Cat," said Chelsea. "I guess that's what it does." 

No one said anything else, because at that point, miss Minnaloushe showed up. They had expected her to look angry and demanding a reason for the rude intrusion, but she merely looked surprised. 

"We didn't invite you, did we?" she asked the Cheshire Cat. "I'm certain I would have written such a thing down somewhere." 

"I am never invited," grinned the Cat, and its tail vanished into thin air. "I'm just here." The tail flickered in and out of existence, as if the Cat couldn't decide on which looked best. 

Miss Minnaloushe coughed. "So it seems. Did you... mean to show up here, by any chance?" 

"Perhaps I did, and perhaps I... didn't." The Cheshire Cat vanished completely; only its grin was left hanging in the air. "It is quite hard to tell with mad people." Its colourless eyes showed up, hanging above the grin, glittering. "Are you mad as well?" 

"I assure you, I am quite sane," snorted miss Minnaloushe. 

"Then you are mad. Everyone are mad, everywhere. The people thinking they are sane are the maddest of them all." Its head showed up while the body remained invisible. 

"Would you please stop doing that?" Miss Minnaloushe started rubbing her temples. "It is rather difficult to speak with you if you keep disappearing." 

The Cat did not reply, but its entire body slowly reappeared, tail and all. It regarded miss Minnaloushe curiously, as if it was waiting to see what she would do next. It seemed fascinated, not intimidated, and that was clearly annoying her. 

The course coordinator gave the PPC Agents, who both stood staring wide-eyed at the newcomer, a look. "You two, gather the faculty," she said. "We will talk about this in my office. Right now." 

She turned and walked away. Ekwy and Gecka, both knowing that it was best to obey miss Minnaloushe while she was in this mood, saluted hurriedly, sent the fic-writers glares of warning, and took off into the night. 

The Cheshire Cat looked at them all in amusement for a bit, and then it stood up and followed miss Minnaloushe, humming a nonsense verse to itself in a monotone voice. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch..." 

"You know this is the second time something pink has destroyed a party at OFUC?" said Misty and chuckled. 

Then she went of to find a broom to sweep up the shards of her broken teacup. Leaving that on the ground would have been Bad Form indeed.

* * *

**Answers to Reviews:**  
**Jemima-luvah:** No student at OFUC is dumb enough to fail on purpose. They would get kicked out of the university and not come back, and they would be forbidden to write CATS fanfic ever again. Failing is simply not an option. And the students not celebrating Christmas are still in the mood to party once in a while. So far, I haven't gotten any complaints.  
**Roman de la Croix:** Sure, write it. R-rated stuff is no issue. Have I ever implied that it would?  
**Eclectica:** He does, don't he? After Mistoffelees, I think Skimble has the most minis. He even beats Macavity now.  
**Antigone:** Although relationships isn't exactly what this story is focusing on, the OFUC management has no problem with same-sex relationships at all. :)  
**Russ chan:** Oh yes, I did get your application, no worries.  
**Korora:** That might be. I got my information from a website. I guess this must mean that Mungojerrie isn't a calico at all then.


	26. Frustration and Crankiness

**A/N:** Two months passed by rather quickly, don't you think? .:scratches head:. Well, here you go, another chapter.

**Twenty-Six: Frustration and Crankiness**

It was a completely normal day at OFUC campus. The snow was falling gently on students walking arm in arm on their way to the cafeteria; fangirls were plotting on how to get their Lust Objects (but very quietly, since mini-Pollicles were on the prowl); Mystitat was showing off her new Most Deaths Award (a picture of Mistoffelees with his pawprint on it); and miss Minnaloushe was on her fourth interview with the Cheshire Cat.

She still hadn't gotten an explanation as to what it was doing in her university, and it was slowly but surely getting on her last nerve. 

"So you were out in Wonderland one day, and you ended up here?" she asked, as patiently as she could. 

The Cat grinned. "I might have been asleep," it said. "This might be just a dream. Or I'm finally awake, and Wonderland was a dream. It can be quite confusing, sometimes." 

Miss Minnaloushe felt her headache come on. It always did when she was dealing with this particular cat. She turned towards the Twins, who were both hunched over some sort of magic book. They did not speak with each other, but the course coordinator knew that they somehow had a conversation going on anyway. 

"Anything?" she asked. 

Coricopat and Tantomile looked up at the same time. 

"Not yet," they chorused. 

"And until we have figured out how and why it got here," began Tantomile. 

"We cannot tell how to get it back to its home," her brother continued. 

"It is all something of a mystery," they finished together, and returned to the book. 

Miss Minnaloushe groaned inwardly, but nodded. "Very well. Let me know once you do." 

They nodded without looking up. Miss Minnaloushe looked at the Cheshire Cat, or at least she tried to. It had disappeared off somewhere, and only its eyes hung in the air. One of them winked at her, and then the eyes were gone too. 

Miss Minnaloushe huffed. "How rude." 

* * *

In the TSE 4, there was a study circle going on. Technically there were only two people there, so it probably was more of a study line, but still. 

It was the last day of Christmas break, and it was best to start the reading early, Joanna reasoned. Misty had been somewhat reluctant, but had agreed in the end. They would take some new classes this term and were currently studying the book they'd gotten for Jellicle Legends, (_A Collection of Tails_ by Billy McCaw) the class that focused mainly on the characters Griddlebone, Growltiger and the Rumpus Cat. 

"'When writing Griddlebone, do remember that she is called the _Lady_ Griddlebone, which indicates some form of nobility, perhaps that she was born into a wealthy family'," Joanna read out loud and leaned against the back of her seat. "'Another reason for this to be likely is that she is a pure white Persian, a very expensive breed that mainly stays indoors.'" 

Misty, who up until now had been busy following the snowflakes whirling outside the car window with her eyes, looked up. "Doesn't it say in Growltiger's song that he doesn't like Persians? They took his ear or something." 

"That was the Siamese. But yeah, he shouldn't like Persians either." Joanna frowned. "Why is it that Griddlebone is one, then?" 

"He converted to Persians by the power of love, sweet love!" giggled Misty. "The beauty of Griddlebone made him see reason, and LUUURVE brought them together!" 

Joanna pointedly ignored her. She skimmed the book until she found something interesting. "Hey look, they have a picture of Maneki Neko!" She held up a page with a picture of a tricolored Japanese bobtail, which was sitting on its back legs, holding one paw up in the air. "Like the story Gus told us about a month ago, remember?" 

"Let me see." Misty snatched the book from Joanna's hands. "Hm. Says here that the Maneki Neko is such a cultural icon in Japan that a lot of characters have been inspired by it. Like Meowth, you know, the Pokémon?" 

"I'm not much of a fan of Pokémon, Misty. Give me back my book now." 

The Jellicle handed back the book. "Right, right, don't get yer knickers in a twist. Hey, want to come with me to the cafeteria? I could use a snack." 

Joanna shrugged. "Sure, let's go." 

They left the car and waded through the ankle deep snow, all the while muttering profanities and wishing said snow to a much warmer place. Since they had somehow gotten smaller (or everything else had gotten bigger) once they'd arrived on OFUC campus, the weather was somewhat bothersome. 

Suddenly Misty stopped, frowning. Immediately, Joanna stopped as well, afraid that there might be something possibly lethal hiding nearby. 

"What is it?" she whispered, fully prepared to run at any moment. 

Misty didn't reply, but walked over to a pile of junk nearby. Right in the middle of it was an old closet, which had gotten its doors ripped off at some point in existence, and it was that piece of furniture that Misty peeked in to. 

"Hello?" she asked tentatively. "Anybody in here?" 

"Who is it?" came a voice from the depths of the closet. It sounded slightly nervous, and clearly male. 

Misty grinned. "Oh, hello, Araka. Why are you hiding in there?" 

Joanna also grinned and joined her roommate's side. 

"Ehm, no reason in particular," said the voice of Arakasema, trying to sound as if he did these sorts of things all the time and there was really nothing to it at all. "Eh. Is that Cheshire Cat still around, by any chance?" 

Joanna and Misty both looked around, and then they shrugged almost simultaneously. 

"Doesn't look like it," said Misty calmly. "Why?" 

"No reason, it's just that it's... creepy." Slowly Arakasema emerged from the closet, scratching his head and looking slightly embarrassed. His tail waved lazily from side to side, and his eyes darted nervously around to look out for possible attacks from grinning felines. "So, eh, what are you guys up to?" 

"We're heading to the cafeteria for snacks," said Joanna. "Want to come?" 

"Actually, I'd rather stay in the closet. It's nice and ­ AH!" 

He jumped two feet in the air and with a hiss he quickly dove back into his closet, from which even Joanna could hear scared whimpers come out. The two fic-writers slowly turned around to see what had startled him. 

A body-less grin hung in the air a few meters away. "Good afternoon," it said calmly. 

Joanna shivered. There was indeed something wrong with a cat grinning like that. It looked like it knew something mere mortals did not, and it was acting very smug about it. Then again, so did most cats. 

"Good afternoon," she answered, trying her best to not appear bothered by the grin's sudden appearance. "Miss Minnaloushe still hasn't figured out what to do with you, has she?" 

"Not quite," said the grin of the Cheshire Cat and broadened visibly. "She is quite stumped by it." 

"I can imagine that a stumped miss Minnaloushe is a rather angry miss Minnaloushe?" asked Misty and grimaced at the thought. 

The Cat didn't respond, but its entire head showed up and floated around in the air. Its eyes looked at the two students for a bit, and then the head tilted to the side... and it vanished. 

Joanna looked at Misty. Misty looked at Joanna. They both shrugged simultaneously. 

"You think it found someone else to bother?" wondered Joanna. 

"Probably. Let's just go and get that snack now, shall we?" 

* * *

It was the next morning. The full moon was shining in through the window, and its rays were tickling the nose of Misty, who sneezed in her sleep and woke up from it. She groaned with annoyance as she found herself completely awake, and then she looked out the window. 

It was very dark outside, but the moonbeams on the fallen snow did light it up just a bit. Misty yawned. She was still tired, but what was the point of going back to sleep now? Nah, it was better if she actually did something. Besides, things were quite nice when campus was completely still. 

The Jellicle student smiled and reached for her notebook. The arrival of the Cheshire Cat had sparked her creative flame, and she was beginning to get rather nice ideas for a humour fic about it. She'd always been quite fond of weird crossovers. Living in one was pretty interesting. 

Misty delicately tapped her pencil against her lower lip as she looked at the empty sheet of paper in front of her. She wanted to write. It was the perfect opportunity to do it now, when everything was serene and deliciously still, but she wasn't sure of how to start. 

'Maybe a Delight would help matters,' she thought and started digging around the backseat for the familiar yellow bag before stopping herself. 

How often did she eat those Delights, anyway? During the first term she must have had at least ten every day. That were an awful lot of bags, but what could you do when you lived in a world that had no chocolate? 

'Maybe I should cut down on these things,' Misty thought and sighed as she looked wistfully at the bag. 'They must be fattening. Anything that good is.' 

Using a tremendous amount of willpower, Misty resisted the treats and returned to her unwritten fic. 

"Crossovers, crossovers," she mumbled to herself, quietly so that she wouldn't wake up Joanna. "So many possibilities, so few pages left in the pad..." 

She shrugged and began to write. If she just got started, she usually thought something up as she went along. 

_Hm... An idea, an idea. I could make a Harry Potter theme work, with Mistoffelees coming to Hogwarts as Dumbledore's cat. He could make friends with him Crookshanks and that other one, whatshername, Mrs. Norris. Yeah. And didn't Millicent Bulstrode have a cat too?_

Misty always found it easy to get an idea if she wrote down details first. 

When the alarm clock rang some twenty minutes later, Joanna groaned and turned it off. She sat up and blinked sleepily at Misty. 

"Hello, roomie!" chirped the Jellicle cheerily and put down her notepad. "Ready for a new and exciting term at OFUC?" 

"No," said Joanna and yawned. "I want to sleep some more." 

"Well, that you can't!" Misty pounced with a giggle, and the two rolled around in a pile of hair, fur and limbs until they landed with a thud on the car floor. 

"Aaack!" cried Joanna. "Fine, fine, I'm up!" 

Misty clapped her paws together. "Yay! You know Rumpus Cat is teaching today." 

The human girl winced, then frowned. "How's he supposed to teach when he doesn't speak?" 

"I suppose Pouncival helps him out," shrugged Misty. 

"But then it's Pouncival who teaches, not Rumpus Cat." 

"The schedule says Rumpus." 

"The schedule also says right here that he'll be assisted by Pouncival." 

Misty yoinked the schedule from her roommate and scribbled something on it. "There. Now the schedule says that you're a poo-head," she said and returned it with a grin. 

"You are so childish." 

"And you're cranky in the mornings. That's very interesting. I usually don't notice that because I out-cranky you." 

"I didn't sleep well. I had my 'you-failed-everything-miss-Swanson-and-we-all-hate-you' dream again." Joanna paused. "Although this time it was Misto who said it instead of miss Minnaloushe, which was so much worse." She pouted sadly. 

"Poor thing. Breakfast?" 

"You know it."

* * *

**A/N:** Due to it not looking very good to have a long list of review replies at the end of every chapter, I won't be answering any more reviews in this story. Should you have a question that you lie sleepless about at night, you are welcome to email me. My address is in my profile. Know that I still adore every single one of you reviewing lot. :)


	27. Crazy Crossings

**A/N:** Well, what do you know... Exactly two months after my latest update, here is another! I know the last chapter was pretty boring. Hopefully this one is better.

Disclaimer: CATS still not mine. Mrs. Norris belongs to J. K. Rowling, and Greebo belongs to Terry Pratchett.

**Twenty-Seven: Crazy Crossings**

After having endured a Naming class with Demeter ("I was named after a goddess, hear me roar"), the students of OFUC waded through the snow to the mini-Pollicle pen. There stood the Rumpus Cat and Pouncival, waiting for them together with four minis. Joanna believed she recognized them as Pouncil, Pouncivail, Tumpus Cat and le Chat Fivari, a French Rumpus mini. 

The Rumpus Cat greeted his class with a polite nod, while Pouncival smiled brightly. "Hello," he said. "Welcome to Jellicle Legends! As you know, I am Pouncival. That's P-O-U-N-C-I-V-A-L." He nodded towards the Rumpus Cat. "And he's Rumpus. If you cannot spell that, he'll be forced to kick your arse on sheer principle." 

Rumpus Cat nodded and grinned somewhat toothily. Pouncival continued. 

"Now, Rumpus here doesn't have a lot of fics written about him, which I suppose he's quite thankful for, but still we do get the occasional fic which contains a bad battle sequence. Therefore he decided to have a lesson on how to write such scenes. Right. We'll need a volunteer, if you please?" 

He looked around at the class hopefully. No one stood up. 

"You're going to hurt us, aren't you?" asked Vicki nervously. 

"Would we do that?" smiled Pouncival. 

"Yes," echoed the class, without hesitation. 

Pouncival sighed. "Okay, fine, maybe we would," he admitted. "I was just kidding anyway. If you're unconscious, you wouldn't learn anything, now would you?" 

"Too bad, I was about to volunteer," Misty whispered to Joanna. "It'd give me a chance to be close to Rumpus." 

Joanna snorted a bit at this, which made Rumpus to turn and look at them. His red eyes stared at them without blinking, which made Joanna highly uncomfortable and Misty blush. This was a great surprise to Rumpus Cat, who had not been in close contact with a fangirl of his own before, and he looked at Pouncival, who shrugged and rolled his eyes. 

"Now," said the young tom, "we want you to observe Rumpus' movements and write them down. For next time you will be expected to have a finished battle sequence, with each movement fully described and written in a way that makes it flow." He turned his head and nodded to someone in the shadows. "Come on out, guys." 

The somewhat nervous figures of Mungojerrie, Tumblebrutus and Alonzo emerged from the shadows. The gathered fangirls squealed happily, but silenced as a hoard of mini-Pollicles followed the young toms out. 

"Um," said Tumblebrutus. "He'll be careful, won't he?" 

He looked at the superhero and sort of shuffled back to stand behind his companions. Alonzo gave him an annoyed look, but didn't say anything. He was also eying the Rumpus Cat carefully. 

"Of course he will," said Pouncival soothingly. "You just try and hit him. He won't hurt you." 

"If you say so," sighed Mungojerrie. "But I'm no' too comfortable with all this. I wasn't when I was playin' a Pollicle at the Ball, and I ain't now." 

"Stop being such a kitten," muttered Pouncival. "It's just a demonstration. Get it over with." 

The three toms grumbled a little, but obeyed "for the sake of badly written fighting scenes everywhere," as Alonzo so elegantly put it. They all stood in a straight line, legs slightly bent and eyes never leaving the superhero. 

The Rumpus Cat had also crouched into fighting position. There was something otherworldly about the way he moved. Sometimes he didn't even seem to be a living, breathing thing, but a mirage, something that was here one moment and gone the next. He blended in with the surrounding shadows perfectly, and every muscle in his body slowly moved beneath the silky black fur. His mind seemed concentrated on one task, and one task only. 

Joanna found herself mesmerized by his movements. She had never really focused much on the Rumpus Cat before, considered him a mere janitor, pale in comparison to, for a random example, Mistoffelees. But he... wasn't. 

For a minute or two she didn't take notes. She was just watching as the hero kicked and pawed at his opponents, never getting so close so that he would hurt them, but still making it perfectly clear that he could if he had wanted to. Joanna started writing, settling for short sentences and phrases when she found she couldn't capture the precise words for his actions. 

"Told you," whispered Misty. There was a delighted purr in her voice. "Told you he was adorable." 

"Adorable" was perhaps not the word that Joanna would have chosen to describe it, but she had to admit that he was special. Very special. In fact, she was sinking into a daydream of being a beautiful Jellicle queen with long white fur as smooth as silk, and she was being threatened by a drooling bulldog with glowing eyes and horrible fangs, and then she was saved by a handsome hero, and he would fall for her right away, take her in his arms and say... 

She fell out of her reverie as the mini-Pollicles started yelping. Something had clearly happened, and it was something that they didn't understand. They all reacted very differently. Alopo was howling miserably and tried to hide behind Run Tuger, who was gnashing his teeth and barking loudly at a darkened corner of the class area. All the minis were looking at that corner, in which something was clearly moving. 

"What is it?" squeaked Valessia as she back-pedalled as far away from said corner as possible. Her feline eyes were wide with fear. 

Joanna squinted into the darkness. It was difficult to see, but she was able to catch a glimpse of something grey and trembling. 

Pouncival tried to calm everybody down, but he wasn't really sure which group he should start with. The minis were making the most noise, and to his sensitive hearing it was barely bearable, but on the other hand the students should be his main priority, as he was the teacher. 

Fortunately he didn't have to react, for the Rumpus Cat suddenly got up, his eyes gleaming and his fur standing on end, and hissed at the minis. They immediately whined and lied down on the ground, in complete submission. The superhero smiled, pleased, and turned to see what it was that had disturbed his lesson. 

It was a cat. A queen, by the looks of it. She was quite small, and her fur had the same colour as dust. A pair of large yellow eyes stared with terror at the gathered mass of students and mini-Pollicles, and the sight of the rather imposing Rumpus Cat towering over her didn't seem to calm her down. She curled up in the corner, her entire body shaking with fear. 

Pouncival, forever the kind, pleasant one, went up to her and knelt down beside her. 

"Hello," he said. "Where do you come from?" 

Joanna bounced impatiently up and down to try and look over her classmates. If the mysterious queen said anything she didn't hear it, but the queen must have for Pouncival stood up again and sighed deeply. 

"Okay then," he said. "Viktorea, Mngojari, go and fetch miss Minnaloushe, would you? And you lot," he looked at the students, "class dismissed. I'll be expecting your finished battle scenes next time. Out with you." 

"What do you suppose that was about?" asked Misty as the class started to file out. "That queen looked a bit familiar to me..." 

Joanna shrugged. "I didn't really get a good look at her. I think she must be from another fandom, don't you? Just like the Cheshire Cat." 

Misty was frowning. She looked like there was something she wanted to say, but then she merely shrugged it off. Perhaps it wasn't important. 

* * *

"Crossovers," said Ekwy bitterly as she, her sister and miss Minnaloushe made their way to the mini-Pollicle pen. "To have to deal with crossovers. Well, that should be a new experience for all of us." 

"There could only be one explanation," sighed miss Minnaloushe and lowered her voice to make sure no student heard it. "Someone's stopped eating the Delights." 

Ekwy and Gecka both nodded. 

"I knew they wouldn't be enough," added the latter. "We should have gone through every safety measure we could think of to prevent things like this from happening. I knew the Delights wouldn't stop it for long." 

"Mistoffelees was sceptical in the beginning as well," nodded miss Minnaloushe. "I shall speak with him once I know more about this new visitor." 

They arrived at the pen. The minis were happily running about inside, carefully guarded by the Rumpus Cat, who made sure that they didn't scare the guest. She was still in the corner, and Pouncival sat there next to her, keeping her company. She still seemed frightened, but at least she was talking to him. 

"Perhaps you should keep in the background, miss?" suggested Ekwy carefully. "I mean, she's not used to the, um, wings an' stuff. She might be more scared than she already is." 

Miss Minnaloushe sighed. "Very well. You go over there then." 

"Yes, ma'am." 

Ekwy went over to Pouncival and the mystery queen, and exchanged a few words with the young tom. After a moment or two she sat down next to them both. At first the queen seemed nervous, but she soon looked directly at Ekwy, and even though she looked a little confused she clearly answered the Agent's questions. When Ekwy had gotten what she wanted she got up and went back to miss Minnaloushe and Gecka. 

"Mrs. Norris," she said. "From the Harry Potter continuum. I believe she comes from a fanfic, not the real Potterverse." 

"Well that's a relief," sighed Gecka. "It'll be easier to get her back if it's simply a fanfic." 

Ekwy nodded. "She really misses her master. I say we try and get her back as soon as possible. I can talk to the Twins, they can get up a portal within minutes." 

"Do that," said miss Minnaloushe and looked at Gecka. "And you, get a message out to the students. Make sure no other crossovers are written until this have been figured out. I shall talk to Mistoffelees about more magical wards. Now we have to reconsider the whole thing, I'm afraid. The Delights will still be handed out to every student, but there must be several other precautions as well." 

"Yes, miss." 

The two Agents saluted hastily and hurried away to carry out the order. Miss Minnaloushe's eyes followed them until they had disappeared from view, and then she took one cleansing breath. Slowly she began strolling back to the Jellicle junkyard. She knew the way well by now. The pale moon brought light to her way and glittered in her wings. She longed to stretch out, to fly, but she knew she must stay on the ground for a while more. Tonight when everyone slept, she would allow herself to flap her wings and ascend to above the clouds, look down on the place where she had to make every decision, and forget for just a moment. 

But she must wait. She must be patient. The Jellicles would be content in knowing that whatever was wrong at their junkyard, miss Minnaloushe would be there to take care of it. 

Mistoffelees was sitting on the tire, his face a mask of concentration. His paws were raised in front of him, forming a bowl above which a golden ball of light floated. As miss Minnaloushe watched, the ball cracked from top to bottom, the pieces fell to the ground where they shattered in a thousand glittering pieces. In the magician's paws were instead a small sapphire blue bird, which sang a couple of tunes before it disappeared. 

"Nicely done," said miss Minnaloushe and gave him a nod. 

"Thanks," grinned Mistoffelees. "I've been practising. Can't seem able to make the bird stay in existence for more than a few seconds, though." He scratched his head. 

"Focus on your illusions later, Mistoffelees. Besides, shouldn't you be preparing for your class right now?" 

"That is what I'm doing, miss. They work harder if they see me conjuring up pretty things sometimes." The magician grinned again. "What can I do for you?" 

"Wards. More wards." 

He nodded. "So the Delights aren't working?" 

"Oh they're working, all right. It's just that it doesn't matter how well they're working when the students stop eating them." 

"I knew they wouldn't be enough..." 

Miss Minnaloushe held up a hand to stop him. "Yes, I know, I know. That is not the issue now. Just put up more wards, okay?" 

Mistoffelees nodded. "I will directly after my class." 

"Do you promise? I have heard what mayhem crossovers can cause. I will NOT have homicidal Care Bears on my campus." 

Miss Minnaloushe glared at him so sternly that Mistoffelees didn't dare laugh, and he simply nodded meekly. Her eyes were glowing faintly red, which was always a sign that she was annoyed. Perhaps she had slept badly. 

"I promise," he said. "Are you feeling well, miss Minnaloushe? You are looking rather frazzled." 

"I am fine. I'm just tired." She sighed and brushed back a strand of hair. "I miss being able to fly away any time I wish. Sometimes I feel trapped here. And spring is coming..." She paused, and Mistoffelees gave her an odd look. "I know it is only January, but I can feel it. Back home, we would get ready to fly out right about now. I suppose I am just homesick." She shrugged and brushed by him. "Get the wards up, Mistoffelees. Soon. Preferably immediately." 

"Will do." 

The course coordinator continued on her merry way. She thought about quenching her homesickness with a cup of very hot, very strong coffee from the faculty area and was sort of enjoying the thought of a bit of dark chocolate as well, when suddenly she walked into something. Since she was an Ironwing, and Ironwings rarely walk into things, miss Minnaloushe was so surprised by the event that she at first readied herself to scold the student who must have gotten in her way... and then she noticed what it was. 

It was not a student. It was a cat, no doubt, but a cat that she had never seen before. He reminded her both of Growltiger and the Rum Tum Tugger, in that he was blind at one eye and completely oozed out animal sexuality as he grinned a pirate's grin at her. His fur was grey, but his body was so much covered in scar tissue that his colour was not what you first thought of. His one good eye was bright yellow, and the way he looked at miss Minnaloushe made her feel very uncomfortable. In fact, everything about him made her feel uncomfortable, from the fact that he basically had no ears at all, to the smell that radiated from him. 

Miss Minnaloushe's wings rose automatically behind her to make her look bigger and therefore more intimidating. It did not work. The cat simply advanced, still grinning, as if it was some kind of game. 

Then she recognized him. Then she knew exactly who he was and where he belonged. 

Greebo took another step forward. His eye sparkled. Then he pounced with a triumphant growl, aiming for miss Minnaloushe's midriff to pull her down. 

He didn't get that far. The course coordinator clenched her hand into a fist and gave him a solid hit on the head, causing him to crumble to the ground in a dead faint with an endlessly surprised look on his face. 

Miss Minnaloushe hoisted the muscular tom up onto her shoulders with ease and sighed. 

"Mistoffelees!" she bellowed so loudly that the nearby trashcans trembled. "Get those wards up NOW!" 


	28. My Kingdom For a Name

**A/N:** It very much pleases me to say that I do believe the Witch of Writer's Block is permantently defeated now. Hurrah!

Get ready for the disclaimer of doom:  
CATS belongs to T. S. Eliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber.  
The concept of OFUs belongs to Miss Cam.  
The Cheshire Cat of _Alice in Wonderland_ belongs to Lewis Carroll.  
Mrs. Norris of _Harry Potter_ belongs to J. K. Rowling.  
Greebo of the _Discworld_ belongs to Terry Pratchett.  
Salem of _Sabrina, the Teenage Witch_ belongs to Nell Scovell.  
OFUDisc and Doctor Huinesoron belongs to, well, Huinesoron.  
HFA (Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy) and Meir Brin belongs to Meir Brin.

I got permission from the last two to mention their OFUs in this story, of course.

**Twenty-Eight: My Kingdom For a Name**

Mistoffelees frowned as his paws slowly slid over the softly glowing surface of the ward. A shower of sparks automatically came out as he spotted any weak spots, circled around the area and made it strong. When he had finished, he smiled contentedly and strolled back to Gecka, who was waiting by the portal to take him back to campus.

They were standing at the very end of the labyrinth surrounding the OFUC. The students went under the misconception that the labyrinth just went on forever, but it didn't. Everything had an end, and on the other side of the shimmering blue ward, Gecka saw nothing but a thick, grey darkness. She could see a faint star shining here and there, but otherwise it was completely empty. The vast void made her feel uneasy, so she took her eyes away from it and smiled a little at Mistoffelees.

"You don't have to look so smug about it," she said. "It's not like you invented the concept of wards or anything..."

"I'm just happy I got out of teaching," said Mistoffelees and grinned. "The students are a little bit more... enthusiastic about, er, wooing me and things now after the holidays. They're feeling rejuvenated, I suppose."

"I have noticed that too," nodded the Agent. "Anyway, are you ready to get back? You can't get out of classes forever, you know."

"Yes, I know..."

There was a faint tremor in the ground, like an ever-so-small earthquake. It was barely noticeable, would probably have passed by completely unfelt, had not Mistoffelees been a cat and Gecka been especially trained to spot even the slightest change in her surroundings.

"Felt that too, huh?" she murmured nervously and automatically she unsheathed her carving knife. "Get into the portal. Now."

Mistoffelees ignored her. His paws had started glowing, but faintly, as if he didn't have enough energy.

Of course, he had just conjured up and strengthened a ward that went all around the grounds. He must be exhausted. Gecka would much rather see him safe and sound back at the junkyard, but she had a very distinct feeling that he wouldn't allow her to transport him there by force.

A couple of pinging sounds, bullets ricocheting off something, came bouncing off the ward. They came with long intervals at first, then faster and faster until the sounds turned into a sort murmur, whispers of wonder.

Gecka squinted at the void behind the ward again. For a moment she thought she saw a shadow passing over a star, but it was gone when she tried focusing on it.

"We should leave, both of us," she said in a low voice. "Right now."

"You first," said Mistoffelees. His eyes gleamed with a desire for the hunt, and the corners of his mouth were turned upwards in a hopeful grin as he seemingly focused on something that Gecka's own human eyes couldn't spot.

'Felines,' she thought and rolled her eyes.

Out loud she said: "Not a chance, kittycat. I'm your bodyguard. I'm not leaving you behind for you to battle with some earthquake shadow. You're coming back with me, and we'll report this to miss Minnaloushe. And," she added with a pleasant smile, "if you refuse, I have ways to deal with that."

The murmurs intensified, turned into thunder. Gecka shivered.

"All right," she said. "I didn't want to have to resort to this, but you leave me no choice."

She reached into her pocket, and slowly he pulled out a piece of red string. At the end of it she had tied a bundle of feathers and a small bell, and now she waved it in front of the magician's surprised face. With a meow the cat immediately lashed out after it, ears stroked back and tail wagging.

"Come on," cajoled Gecka and pulled back towards the gleaming portal. "Here boy! Take it!"

"You," growled Mistoffelees, helpless as every instinct he had took over, "are going to be in so much trouble once we're back. I cannot even begin to... Yes!"

He laughed as his paw landed on the bell, pinning it to the ground. Gecka giggled. There were few things as amusing as playing the string-game with a cat, and especially when the cat hated you for doing it.

* * *

In her office, which did not exist on any map over the university since she cherished her privacy, sat miss Minnaloushe. She was pondering the late events, which was giving her a headache. She had lost the Cheshire Cat. Either it had left OFUC or it was just keeping itself invisible somewhere, frankly she didn't care. It had been highly annoying. Greebo was placed in a cage of magical energy, and he was still unconscious. She had herself made sure that he would be for a little while, at least until Ekwy had contacted the Official Fanfiction University of Discworld to see if they were missing one scabby witches' cat. Mrs. Norris had been taken to the faculty area, where she was, at least the last time miss Minnaloushe had seen her, discussing rude kittens and children with Jennyanydots.

So far, things were quite calm. Greebo had been a little bit of a nuisance, but at least now he was taken care of. Miss Minnaloushe leant back into her chair and closed her eyes. At least for now, things were just fine...

"Miss Minnaloushe?"

Curses.

Miss Minnaloushe shook her head to clear it and turned around to face Grizabella. The school librarian was looking rather troubled and she stood in the doorway of the office, clearly waiting to be allowed in.

"Yes?" said miss Minnaloushe and nodded at the old queen. "What is it?"

"Well, I didn't want to upset you, but there has been another arrival, you see..."

Miss Minnaloushe frowned. "That is not possible. Mistoffelees should have the wards up by now. How did it get through?"

Grizabella shrugged. "I don't know anything about that. I just know that some wisecracking tom has shown up in my library. I told him to stay put until I had fetched you," she added.

The course coordinator stood up so fast that her chair rolled backwards and hit the wall with a loud bang.

"Let's go," she said.

She had barely spoken until they were both standing outside the library. That was just how miss Minnaloushe's office worked. It obeyed its mistress.

Grizabella lead the course coordinator into the library, and they found themselves looking at a black tomcat. He seemed extremely bored, but he stood leaning against the desk, waiting patiently for Grizabella's return. He looked up when he heard them come in, completely unsurprised about seeing a woman with wings standing ten feet away.

"I didn't know you had redecorated the Other Realm," he said. He had a quite pleasant voice, and an American accent. "On the other hand, I wasn't aware that you had just started snapping decent people out of their laundry baskets when they're taking a nap either."

He shrugged. Miss Minnaloushe and Grizabella both stared at him, and it was miss Minnaloushe who broke the awkward silence.

"The Other Realm?" she repeated. "Why are you capitalizing that?"

The tom looked uncertain for a moment. "This is the Witches' Council, isn't it?" When they shook their heads he threw his head back and groaned. "Oh, why me... What did I ever do? Granted, I tried to take over the world, but this is no way to punish me, Drell!"

He glared at the darkening sky above. Miss Minnaloushe took one step closer to him.

"Excuse me," she said politely. "But who are you? Why are you here? More importantly, _how_ did you get here?"

The tom sighed. "Okay, first of all, I have no idea how I got here. Like I said, I was in the laundry basket having a fabulous nap, dreaming about tuna, and then suddenly I was here, and that cat," he nodded at Grizabella, "was staring at me like I'd fallen from the sky or something. My name is Salem, by the way. Salem Saberhagen."

"Saberhagen," mumbled miss Minnaloushe and nodded slowly to herself. "That name does ring a bell, but I can't quite place it. I'll ask Ekwy or Gecka later on, they have more knowledge about fandom than I do. In the meantime..." She nodded at Salem to follow her. "You come with me."

The black tom shrugged again. "Might as well. It's not like I've got anything else to do today."

Grizabella joined them both for a walk to the faculty area. Time had come to straighten this thing out.

* * *

"Can't be the wards," muttered Mistoffelees. "They're up and running. Somehow it seems like our guest here managed to get through anyway."

"I resent that," said Salem. "I most certainly didn't 'manage' to come here. I was forced to come here."

"Perhaps students are behind it?" suggested Electra.

She had looked at Salem with some interest before shrugging and returning to the side of the Rum Tum Tugger. Now she sat by to the maned cat's feet together with his other three fangirls (canon ones, that is, not students), and followed the discussion with interest.

The magician shook his head at her remark. "Not clever enough. I don't think anyone's _behind_ it, really. It's something else. Something uncontrollable. I did tell you about the earthquake, didn't I?"

"Twice," said miss Minnaloushe. "So it's like a natural disaster. That is just wonderful."

She got up from the ratty sofa she had been sitting on and started pacing.

"I have heard about bad things happening to OFUs," she said, "but I never thought OFUC would be another one on the list. We're such a small fandom, not even one hundred students... Still we get it."

"OFUs are melting pots for a lot of crap happening in their respective fandoms," shrugged Ekwy as she strolled into the area. "I bring words from OFUDisc and Doctor Huinesoron. They're short one Greebo. Nanny Ogg is greatly worried about him."

As one, the gathered faculty glanced over to Greebo's magical cage. The cat was lying very still inside it, but miss Minnaloushe and Jennyanydots were both positive that he'd be returned to normal once he woke up. Perhaps a little dizzy for a bit, but normal.

"So how soon can he be taken back there?" asked Demeter nervously. "He makes me a...little bit uneasy."

There were murmurs of agreement from the females of the group. Miss Minnaloushe had to agree. Greebo made her uneasy as well. He might not seem like it, but he very much possessed the same amount of sex appeal as the Rum Tum Tugger. Every female could feel it, whether she be Jellicle, human or Ironwing. Miss Minnaloushe would personally not mourn when that tom was off campus. She could only hope that none of the students would notice his presence.

"I'm afraid we don't dare to send him anywhere until we're sure that he won't just pop back here," she said now. "Don't worry, Demeter, we shall keep an eye on him and make sure he stays a good tom." She turned to Ekwy. "What about Mrs. Norris? Did you get in touch with Meir Brin?"

The Agent nodded. "I did. The Mrs. Norris that we've got is not the one residing HFA. Brin was not sure where she belongs, but I was promised that she'll call me once she's scanned her fandom." Ekwy bounced down on the couch and stretched out. "So what do we do until then?"

"We find out what the hell's going on," said Kihr cheerfully from a corner.

He was on sweeping duty and was thus holding a broom, which he occasionally used to poke mini-Pollicles with. He found their tries to wrestle the broom off him endlessly amusing.

"Language, Kihr," said miss Minnaloushe warningly. "But you are right. So." She looked at her faculty. "What do we know?"

"We know that cats from different universes have randomly started showing up here," said Old Deuteronomy when no one else spoke up. "They seem to have no idea how they got here or why they came."

"And at least one is aching to go home," added Gecka.

"Make that two." Salem tried a sad face, which didn't work very well. "Ah-huh-huh-huh-huh..."

Miss Minnaloushe ignored him and reeled off the visitors on her fingers. "One, the Cheshire Cat. Two, Mrs. Norris. Three, Greebo. Now four, Salem. Four visitors, not much alike..."

"They do all come from fandoms with a great deal of magic," pointed out Mistoffelees.

"That's true. Perhaps it is relevant information, perhaps it isn't." The course coordinator sank down on Bustopher's hat, her eyebrows knitted together with concentration. "I think we might have a canon quake on our hands."

Ekwy and Gecka gasped, but the felines merely looked like they didn't understand.

"What is that?" asked Munkustrap and frowned.

"It happens when a canon is upgraded," explained Ekwy. "It's usually very troublesome and brings a lot of... mess. But it can't be, miss Minnaloushe. The Cats fandom hasn't had a major change since 1998! Why would it happen now?"

Gecka suddenly got a look of realisation on her face. "Because the show is still being put on all around the world. Different actors, different little details... It's always changing."

"Well now that we know about it, we should be able to do something to stop it," said Pouncival. "Right?" He looked at the Agents hopefully.

There was an awkward silence. Finally Ekwy said: "We'll try. But if it is a canon quake, it has been building up for years. Probably since ­81. And now it's erupting, all at once."

"Not to interrupt or anything," said Salem loudly. "But what does all of this have to do with me being here?" He looked at all the gathered people around him. "I get that there is something bad coming. But why was I brought here? In case you didn't know, I was sentenced to be a cat for a hundred years for trying to take over the world. My magic's gone. My powers are gone. My thumbs are gone..." He started his dry sobs again.

"If you tried to take over the world, you must know about military techniques," said Ekwy comfortingly and sat down beside him. "You might do some good."

"Will we need military techniques?" asked Old Deuteronomy. He didn't sound pleased about it.

"We don't know," answered miss Minnaloushe and sighed. "But one thing is for certain. If it is a canon quake, it will definitely get worse before it gets better."


	29. Worse Before Better

**A/N:** Wow. Okay. Update. Rock on. I'll stop babbling and let you read now.

**Twenty-Nine: Worse Before Better**

Over the next few days, the students became more and more aware that something was going on. Of course they had noticed some of the crossovers arriving and had thought it was a little weird, but had figured they were just a result of a student doing something stupid, like the incident with Maritza Chin Smaragde. However, when no one got blamed for it, they started whispering amongst themselves.

"I heard the faculty is planning something new," Kristine murmured over dinner that Thursday. "Ekwy and miss Minnaloushe were talking right outside one of the classrooms this afternoon, and they said something about being prepared... But then they noticed me and I had to run away," she added with a little sigh.

"What do you reckon it is?" asked Chimalmaht curiously.

"Don't know. But whatever it is, I don't think it's gonna be very pleasant for us." Kristine grimaced. "This is the faculty, after all."

The small group of students silenced as the Rum Tum Tugger and Mistoffelees passed them in the hallway. Only one or two of the most devoted fangirls squealed happily. The two toms were talking to each other, their voices hushed and hurried, and they looked a little... disturbed. Not frightened, they were strong, powerful toms after all, but there was definitely something a little bit nervous about the way they constantly looked around to see if something would appear. Joanna had the distinct feeling that it wasn't the fangirls.

The students watched in silence as Mistoffelees and Munkustrap turned a corner and disappeared from sight.

"See that?" sighed Kristine. "Badness."

"Mm-hm," agreed Misty and shook her head. "Tugger didn't even _look_ at me! He usually looks," she added with a gloating smirk when the others frowned at her.

"He looks at everybody," shrugged Joanna. "He looks at Mrs Norris, for Heaviside's sake."

Misty poked her tongue out. "Please don't tear me away from my fantasy world."

"Can you two concentrate, please?" asked Kristine irritably. "We're in a bit of a crisis over here."

"Sorry," muttered Joanna. "We'll behave."

"Good girls. So." Kristine turned back to the rest of the students. "I think we need a plan. The faculty just isn't concentrating on what's important anymore."

Mystical21 nodded seriously. "Us."

Kristine tried to glare sternly at the girl, but her façade fell almost immediately, and she said: "Exactly."

* * *

"Miss?"

Miss Minnaloushe didn't even look up this time. "Another one?"

Munkustrap sighed. "Yes."

"And who is it this time?"

"Some orange tom, keeps asking for lasagne..."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me..." Miss Minnaloushe stood up. Her wings unfolded with irritation. "Is he saying something that the others haven't?"

Munkustrap shook his head. "Sorry. No."

"Fine. Call the rest of the staff. We'll have another meeting. We have to be prepared."

"They've already gathered." Munkustrap's eyes gleamed. "They're frightened. There's nothing I can do or say that will help. I don't know what's going on any more than they do."

She noticed a tiny amount of uncertainty in his eyes, and she wasn't surprised. Munkustrap had protected his tribe for a while, he had fought Macavity to keep them safe, and now there was a new threat and he couldn't do a thing to stop it. This was unknown territory for him. He was lost.

Unfortunately, so was miss Minnaloushe. She had been researching previous canon quakes, but had come up with nothing more than they had already known. At least they had been allowed to keep their minis for this quake. When HFA had experienced one with the arrival of the fifth book, they had lost their mini-Aragogs for months. Miss Minnaloushe supposed that there was some logical explanation for that, but she had yet to find one. In any case, she was thankful for the fact that the minis seemed to be all accounted for and feeling well. She smiled briefly at Bustober Jones and Jennyany-Dots, who sat together apparently discussing something in the barking language of mini-Pollicles, and then swept into the faculty area.

They were all there, her people. The Jellicles looked a little bit relieved at seeing Munkustrap there, as if the mere sight of the protector made them calm when so many things were confusing.

Miss Minnaloushe opened her mouth. She knew she had to say something that would help them. Something to soothe them. The problem was just that miss Minnaloushe had never been very good at calming people down. She had usually been the cause of them not being very calm to begin with.

Finally she spoke.

"We have to get ready," she said. "Prepare for what's coming. I've done my research. These things... they are not easy. When canon is weak, things tend to break through... We have to be ready for that."

"What about the students?" asked Ekwy. "Shall they be told?"

"I think we have to involve them as well," nodded the course coordinator. "We don't have much of a choice. We don't know exactly what's going to happen with the university, and we need as many people as possible to defend it if it should come to that." She hesitated before continuing. "We'll have to cancel normal classes. At least a few of them."

"I volunteer my classes to be taken out of the schedule," Mistoffelees hurried to say.

"I figured you would. Very well, then. We shall keep the Saturday seminars and the Characterization 101. Until this is over." She turned to the Agents. "Let the students know immediately."

"Yes, ma'am," nodded Ekwy, and she and her sister took off.

Miss Minnaloushe looked at the Jellicle queens and the younger kittens. "When you feel it's time, retire to the Heaviside Lair. You should be okay there. I hope."

"What..." Etcetera swallowed and then tried to speak again. "What's going to happen?"

"I don't know any more than you do. I'm sorry."

The tortoise-shell sat back down again, curling up against Tugger's legs for protection. He gave her a wide grin, which she returned as brightly as she could. She was scared.

"What else can we do?" asked Munkustrap.

"Make sure that Kihr doesn't enjoy the prospect of battle too much." Miss Minnaloushe sighed. "I'm going to see the Headmasters."

* * *

There was another room besides miss Minnaloushe's office that wasn't visible on any map. That was the room in which the Headmasters sat. One of them was not always there, since he was a very important man with many other things to do, but the second one greeted miss Minnaloushe when she entered. He sat in a large armchair by a fireplace, his face shrouded in darkness and smoke from his cigarette.

"Good day, miss," he said and gave her a nod. "I trust you are well?"

"I am, sir," she replied courteously.

"The students are working hard, I hope?"

"They're... doing the best they can, sir."

"Then what, if I may be so straightforward, are you doing here?"

He motioned for her to sit down in the chair next to his, and she did.

"There is problem at the university, sir," she said simply.

"I see."

The Headmaster took a deep drag from his cigarette. When he released the smoke his breath turned into a racking cough. Miss Minnaloushe waited politely until it had calmed down.

"You know you don't have to do that anymore," she said, nodding towards the cigarette.

He nodded. "I know. Old habits die hard." Before the smoke had vanished he had lit another cigarette. "Trouble in the school, I hear. Never did I think that little place in the universe would get trouble. Is it serious?"

"It is. But we shall deal with it. Somehow, it shall be taken care of."

"I trust you, miss. I know my associate does as well."

"I am honoured to hear that, sir."

Suddenly the entire room shook, and a faraway rumble was heard. A mirror that hung from the wall opposite to the pair fell off its hooks and smashed into a thousand brilliant pieces on the floor, and several ornaments on the mantelpiece trembled.

"No matter," said the Headmaster calmly. "The mirror will come back. That's what things do here. That was your trouble, I take it?"

"Yes."

"It was a knock on the door. They are waiting outside to be let in."

Miss Minnaloushe frowned. "Who are they? Where do they come from? What do they _want_?"

"Many questions, miss." The hint of a smile showed on the Headmaster's face. "They are mirages. Shape without form, shade without colour. But they'll have their forms soon, and every thing will be content."

"Sir?"

"Yes, miss?"

"Are they dangerous?"

There was a pause. "They might be. If you stand in their way. I would advise you not to do that."

"If they attack the university, I have no choice."

Another smile. "I thought you might say that, miss."

The pair was silent as another quake made the whole room shiver.

"I should get back to the university, then," said miss Minnaloushe and stood up. "They might be agitated if I'm not around."

"And someone has to let the mirages in," said the Headmaster and nodded slowly. "You go ahead and do that."

His eyes shone eerily through the slowly rising blue smoke.

* * *

The following days, Ekwy happily spent trying to get the students in shape for the possibility of battle. This was mostly achieved by forcing them to jog around the junkyard and do push-ups in the snow, even though she occasionally would train them in how to properly hold a weapon and to duck when someone tried to hit them over the head with a toasting fork. They learned the last part the hard way.

Gecka was supposed to help her sister "readying the troops," so to speak, but since more and more crossovers were arriving each day she was put in charge of making sure the new ones settled in well enough. Over the days OFUC became the host of twenty-odd cats from various fandoms, and with every arrival the entire junkyard trembled from quakes. Gecka put the lot of them in the Heaviside Lair, which was starting to get awfully crowded.

So came the day everyone had known would come. It was in the air when they woke up, making everybody nervous and edgy. The atmosphere had the same feeling as just before a storm breaks out; an electricity that suffocated and annoyed. The Jellicles felt it more clearly than anyone, and even the kind Jennyanydots had no patience for either students or kittens.

The Jellicle students went around growling and hissing at everything that moved (and some things that didn't. Nabooru was spotted shouting rude things to a trashcan, which had apparently given her attitude) and the humans decided that the best thing they could do was to keep out of their way. Which meant that Joanna only stayed in the TSE 4 for sleeping, letting Misty be alone to rant about everything that was wrong by her lonesome.

That was why Joanna was in the Jellicle junkyard when the last, final quake caused the windows of the TSE 1 to shatter, and a howling wind began to blow. In a flash, her pounding headache that had pained her all day was gone. The air sparkled with electricity, making her hair stand on end. Suddenly people started running around her, shouting to each other and pointing towards the sky.

Slowly, Joanna raised her eyes. At first she couldn't understand what she was looking at, but then she realized. The shimmering blue ward that Mistoffelees had put up was barely visible anymore. Behind it, where stars had been shining as brightly as the day they were created, a shadow had started to form. It grew with alarming speed, swallowing more stars, making the junkyard an even darker place.

Someone screamed.

Then the Jellicle moon was blackened out by the shadow, and there was a sound like thunder.


	30. Arrival of the Mirages

**A/N:** An extra long chapter, to make up for the waiting. Also, it may interest you to know, that OFUC turned one year old on the twelfth of February. My baby is all grown up!

**Thirty: Arrival of the Mirages**

"What's happening?" someone whispered near Joanna, and she jumped.

In the half-darkness she could see a dark shape with pointy cat-ears and large, glowing eyes. Joanna squinted.

"Mrs Norris?"

"Yes." The Potterverse queen shivered. "Who are you?"

"I'm Joanna. A student," she added, to clarify. "I don't know what's happening. Can you see anything?"

Mrs Norris looked around, her eyes picking up what little light there was. She hissed softly.

"There's something approaching."

They didn't say anything else. The wind, which was increasing in strength, would have carried their voices away so that they wouldn't hear each other anyway. Joanna tried to see something, anything, but her eyes were too weak. She cursed her decision to put "human" on her enrolment form; with cat eyes she would at least have been able to see.

"Jo!"

She felt a warm body next to her, and her hand grasped after fur. "Misty? Is that you?"

"Yeah. I'm glad I found you."

The two females, one human and one Jellicle, huddled together. They heard others around them, running around and whispering amongst themselves, wondering what was happening and why it was suddenly so dark.

"I think the ward has shattered," mumbled Misty in Joanna's ear. It was the only way to make herself heard through the wind. "That was that thunder we heard."

"Are we going to fight now? I don't think I'm ready to fight." Joanna hesitated. "What if there are... monsters? We haven't got any weapons."

"Shall we find someone? Miss Minnaloushe? An Agent?"

"Okay."

Joanna grabbed Misty's paw in one hand, and the two set off, relying solely on Misty's night vision. They found others on the way. Several students had calmed down as the minutes passed without anything dangerous happening, and they were wandering aimlessly around the junkyard, the humans clinging to the Jellicles for guidance. Someone was freaking out, Joanna and Misty heard her shout and sob and plead for the light to come back while her friend tried to calm her down.

"Everybody chill!"

Suddenly there was a bright light. Someone mechanical had managed to get the flashlights of the TSE 1 working, and the white glow illuminated around 60 pale, scared faces. Joanna squinted. Someone was standing on the hood of the car. From the wings she made the conclusion that it was miss Minnaloushe, although he voice that had told them to chill was Ekwy's.

"We are not going to panic," said the Ironwing calmly. Her voice was somehow distinguishable despite the wind. "It is only darkness, and now we have light. So take a few breaths and calm down. This is nothing." She turned to the Agents. "What is it?"

"It's what we've been waiting for, all right!" shouted Gecka with a frown and read off some mechanical device she was holding. "The CAD is taking up some pretty interesting readings... Apparently the entire junkyard is out of character!"

The device suddenly started shooting off sparks, and Gecka dropped it before it burst into flames. Ekwy helped her kick sand over it to put out the fire.

"We should get ready," continued Gecka. "They should be arriving anytime!"

"They?" repeated Misty loudly. "Who are 'they'?"

"The mirages," said miss Minnaloushe softly. She seemed to contemplate something, and then she sprang into action. "Everybody prepare for something out of the ordinary! Stay together and keep alert!" Her wings unfolded and the feathers stood out like small daggers around her head. Her eyes had turned red.

The wind stopped. It was without warning, and it got very quiet. The students came closer to the light; the shadows in the corners seemed to be hiding unspeakable horrors. In the silence Joanna viewed her school-friends. They seemed so lost and frightened, and suddenly so young. Here and there she could also spot a crossover. Mrs Norris had crept as close to the light as possible, and it shone spookily in her lamp-like eyes. Garfield had fallen asleep on the tire, not caring about all the commotion around him. Salem Saberhagen was constantly looking around, his ears stroked back and his claws out.

Something was missing. It hit her unexpectedly that no canon Jellicles were present. She was not the only one to have noticed. The other students started looking around as well, frowning and muttering to themselves.

Miss Minnaloushe also saw it, and her eyes widened. "Anyone's seen..." she began, but she never completed the sentence.

A light came from the sky, blinding light, burning light. A few students screamed and clutched their eyes since they had gotten used to the darkness, and the others were warned and looked away as fast as they could. Joanna was seeing spots. The light went through her hands that she kept covering her eyes and made them glow pink. For a moment she thought she heard music playing somewhere far away, but later she came to the conclusion that she must have imagined it.

The junkyard shivered under one final, major quake, and the light faded somewhat. It was still visible as a glow from somewhere. For a moment it was so quiet that Joanna could hear her classmates' breathing beside her. She rubbed her eyes to rid herself of the dancing spots, and then she looked.

And there they were. The mirages, or what miss Minnaloushe had called them. They were the ones omitting the light, which was visible like a halo around them. Their faces were difficult to describe. One second Joanna saw a hint of Munkustrap's stern gaze in one, but in the next she saw Etcetera's smile on the same face. It was hard to keep track.

The mirages opened their mouths at the same time and spoke. Their voices sounded like all the Jellicles combined, which was strange to hear when they were not reciting the Naming of Cats.

"We seek our tribe."

Miss Minnaloushe stepped forward, in full defence position with her wings still raised. "What do you want with them?"

The mirages looked at her, unimpressed. "You are not belonging to our tribe. You have no place here."

"Neither do you."

"We belong here. This is our home. It is tainted by others, but it is our home. We seek our tribe."

Miss Minnaloushe snarled. "You will have to go through me."

"You've got us too, miss, don't forget about that," mumbled Ekwy, but she looked a bit nervous as she regarded the mirages.

The Ironwing seemed not to have heard. She eyed the mirages angrily, as if they had personally insulted her by showing up.

"We offer you the chance to leave without harm," they murmured. "War is not our wish."

"Nor mine." Miss Minnaloushe slowly crouched down, not taking her eyes off the strange creatures in front of her. "But that's what's going to happen unless you go away."

"I don't think this is such a good idea, miss," muttered Gecka nervously, but she was wasting her time.

What came next happened so quickly no one noticed it until it was over. Miss Minnaloushe became airborne with a few strong beatings of her wings, and attacked the mirages. The second after, she was violently thrown aside, flew in an elegant arch across the junkyard and landed with a crash in a pile of garbage. There was a collective gasp from the students. Joanna felt a lump of ice in the pit of her stomach. Miss Minnaloushe was one of the strongest staff-members they had, and she had been defeated so easily. What else was there to do?

She looked at the Agents. They were staring at the fallen Ironwing as well, unable to grasp what had happened. Ekwy's hand grasped her weapon so tightly that her knuckles turned white, and Gecka looked uncertain. They did not seem able to decide what to do next. Charging the mirages seemed unwise, since they would probably be cast aside as miss Minnaloushe had been, but they couldn't very well sit idle and do nothing. Finally they reached a decision, and exchanged a look. Then Ekwy, being the eldest, stepped forward.

"What do you wish from... from your tribe?" she asked.

The mirages looked at her. "That is none of your concern."

"It kind of is. We only want to know if you are going to hurt them."

"They might feel pain. But we shall try and see that they don't suffer."

Joanna gasped, and she was not alone. All around her, her comrades started mumbling to each other anxiously, worried about their favourite characters. It sounded like something bad was going to happen, something so excruciatingly horrifying that they could not even imagine it, and they could do nothing to prevent it. In that moment Joanna felt something change in the atmosphere. It became openly hostile, and one or two Jellicle students hissed at the mirages.

The mirages didn't seem to notice the change, and did not even pay attention when a couple of students took a few steps forward. Apparently they considered the students to be so little a threat to them that they didn't even bother.

"We seek our tribe," they murmured again with their joined voices.

"What do you want with us?"

The mirages' heads whipped around and looked at someone behind the students. The crowd recognized the voice, of course. How could they not?

Munkustrap.

He stood there, unmoved as a mountain, looking the mirages calmly in the eye and waitng for their next move. All the mirages smiled as one as they spotted him.

"We have searched for you, Tribe Protector."

"What do you want with us?" he repeated in a low, growling voice.

Behind Munkustrap other Jellicles showed up, the toms in front of the queens and kittens to protect them. Jemima and Etcetera were huddling together, staring at the mirages. They could see their own faces in the changing faces, and that frightened them more than anything.

"Are they... us?" Joanna heard Jemima whisper to Etcetera, who just whimpered something.

Jennyanydots seemed torn between her fear and sense of duty to stay behind Munkustrap, and her desire to run up to see how miss Minnaloushe was faring. The course coordinator had awakened from her fainting and was now lying on the ground, half-conscious and moaning in pain.

From the corner of her eye, Joanna saw how a few students left the crowd and gathered around miss Minnaloushe, murmuring amongst themselves about what to do.

The mirages didn't care. Their attention was on Munkustrap and the other Jellicles. Now something else started happening. The mirages began glowing, and their features steadied somewhat, until they were like the silvery reflections of the Jellicles standing right in front of them. The Munkustrap-mirage smiled, which made the real Munkustrap stroke his ears back and hiss.

"We are not going to hurt you," said the mirages calmly. "We have come to offer you something."

Their voices had changed as well. Now it sounded as if only one was talking, but the others were backing him up.

"You should listen, Tribe Protector," said another mirage, one that looked uncomfortably a lot like Demeter.

The real Demeter gasped and took a step back, walking straight into Old Deuteronomy, who smiled soothingly although his kind eyes were troubled.

"Can't we do something?" whispered Misty.

"Like what?" Joanna whispered back. "You saw what they did to miss Minnaloushe. How can we possibly compete with that?"

"Still, we can't just stand here and do nothing! They're not looking our way. We could... form a line of defence or something."

"We haven't got any weapons."

"Don't be so negative! Come on!"

Joanna was dragged along as Misty hurried further back in the crowd. Some people were staring at them, wondering what they were doing, but most of them were uncapable of looking away from what was happening in front of them. The mirages were talking, but Joanna could no longer hear it.

When the two had gotten away from the scene and stood hidden behind a dumpster, Joanna managed to get free from Misty's paw. Here where the light from the mirages weren't as strong, she could only see the Jellicle's eyes as thin yellow slits in the darkness, and she glared at them angrily.

"What exactly are you planning to do?" she asked. "What _can_ we do? Pounce and scratch their eyes out? I'm not even sure they _have_ eyes."

"The Headmasters," said Misty.

Joanna frowned. "OFUC has Headmasters?"

"It's a school, isn't it?"

"I always just assumed miss Minnaloushe made the decisions. But yeah, now that you mention it..." Joanna suddenly thought of something. "But if I didn't know about that, how come you did?"

Misty shrugged. "I heard the Agents talk. Is that important? We just have to find out where they are, and maybe we can ask for help there. This is out of our league."

"You don't have to tell _me_. But how are we supposed to find them?"

"Miss Minnaloushe would know."

"She's in no position to tell us, if you remember?"

"Fine, then _you_ think of something!"

"She doesn't have to."

Joanna and Misty froze. There had been a new voice there. It was male and sounded hoarse, as if the person speaking had been smoking for a big part of his life. They turned their heads as one and looked behind them. The face of the one the voice belonged to was shrouded with smoke from his cigarette, but they both instinctively knew who he was.

He sat in an armchair, comfortably leaning back as if he didn't have a care in the world. On the table beside him was a large mirror with a golden frame; it cast a shining reflection against the ceiling.

Joanna and Misty looked around. They had been certain they were not standing in a room with walls of gleaming wood, a fireplace with flames dancing merrily on the hearth, and a smell of cigarette smoke and sandalwood, yet that was where they were now. There was no sound other than that of the fire and the occasional cough from the speaker.

"Are you... the Headmaster?" asked Misty uncertainly.

He nodded. "One of them."

"Can... can you help us then?"

"It is not necessary. The decision has been made. There is nothing we can do, not anymore."

Joanna felt how the blood drained from her face. "What do you mean, sir?"

"I mean that it is forfeit. There is nothing to do. They have won." He gestured towards the mirror beside him. "You can see for yourselves. It will happen soon."

Nervously, not knowing what was going to happen, Joanna and Misty stepped forward. They found themselves looking into the mirror, although Joanna couldn't help but thinking that it felt a little silly. Magic mirrors were, when it really came down to it, very much a cliché these days.

In it they saw, as clearly as if they had still been standing there, the Jellicle junkyard of OFUC. Munkustrap still stood there in front of the mirages, glaring at them, with the rest of the Jellicles behind him. A number of other toms, among them Tugger, Alonzo and Mistoffelees, had gone forward until they stood next to him, prepared to leap into battle at his command. Even Macavity seemed ready to abandon all thoughts of bad-ass pride and fight alongside them. The students had evidently come up with some sort of strategy, having grabbed whatever weapon they could find and braced themselves. The image was so clear that Joanna could see a few of them mouth the words "if I die they'll resurrect me, if I die they'll resurrect me" over and over again.

"Sir?" she murmured and looked up to find that the Headmaster was looking at the scene in the mirror as well. "What exactly..."

"Shh, child," he said and waved a hand. "Just watch."

"Shouldn't we leave and help them?" asked Misty out loud.

The Headmaster shook his head. "It is too late for that now. Be grateful instead that you are not there."

Joanna stared at the reflection in the mirror. Something was happening. She could see the ripple going through the mirages and how the Jellicles stiffened momentarily. The tremor spread across the junkyard, and she felt how the floor in the strange room vibrated for half a second. Then it stopped. The Munkustrap mirage opened its mouth.

"We are ready."

The voice sounded tinny, but it made shivers run down the two girls' spines. They saw how the light coming from the mirages seemed to expand and contract in a steady rhythm, like heartbeats.

Joanna felt her own heart skip a beat when Mistoffelees stepped forward. He was staring at the light as if it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. His eyes seemed... distant.

"I don't like this," they heard him say. "Munkustrap..."

He didn't finish. Suddenly, without warning, a mirage had loosened itself from its brethren. It circled Mistoffelees a few times, and then it pounced.

There was light. When it faded, Mistoffelees was lying lifeless on the ground.


	31. Explanation

**A/N:** You honestly think I'd kill Mistoffelees? .:shakes head:. Sss...

**Thirty-One: Explanation**

Joanna made a sound, something between a gasp and a sob, and she was not alone. The students that had seen what had happened screamed, and in the next moment the battle had started.

Ekwy, looking every inch as shocked as the others, waved her toasting fork at the mirages, but the weapon merely went through them without causing any long-term damage. She and Gecka leapt into the mission of getting the other Jellicles away from the scene as quickly as possible, but that was much harder than it appeared. The mirages were suddenly everywhere, circling the canons that tried to back away but also seemed hypnotized by the light. The mini-Pollicles tried to bite them, but there was no point as their teeth only sank right through them. Instead they whined and backed away uncertainly.

Misty stared at the Headmaster. "Did you know this would happen?"

"I did." His voice was calm and collected.

"Then why didn't you do anything! They're, they're..."

"Dying?" The Headmaster looked at her in surprise. "Is that what you think is happening?"

Joanna felt tears prickling her eyes. The conversation around her was growing faint. She stared at the fallen Mistoffelees and reached out to touch the mirror's cold glass to try and wake him up, before she realized that it was only a window to make her see other than the real thing.

She had not noticed she'd been rocking back and forth in her unability to understand what was happening until the Headmaster placed an aged hand on her shoulder. It smelt strongly of tobacco.

"Do not worry," he said. "They are not dying. I take care of mine."

"Then what is happening?" asked Misty and flinched as Tugger fell to the ground.

"They are being upgraded."

There was a pause as Joanna and Misty looked at the mirror, and then at each other, and then at him.

"What?" they both said at the same time.

"They are being upgraded." The Headmaster lit a new cigarette. "Would you like to hear the explanation for all this?" He caught their worried glances at the mirror and added: "Not to worry. Your little friends will not be hurt more than we can make right again. There is nothing you can do at the moment. This must happen. If it was to be stopped, the strain on this world would rip it apart."

"Then I... I suppose we'd like to hear it," said Joanna. She was still trembling from the shock at seeing her Lust Object fall. "But shouldn't miss Minnaloushe..."

"Miss Minnaloushe will hear it in due time. And I trust you will spread the story?"

They nodded simultaneously.

"Very well, then." He leaned back and blew a smoke ring. "I trust you are familiar with computers? Of course you are, how foolish of me. If you hadn't, you wouldn't be here." He shook his head at himself. "I'm growing old. Now. These mirages, they are nothing more than... programmes, I guess you might say. They contain new information that the Jellicles must have, information hailing from even the smallest High School performance of Cats. They are the small changes in canon. Do you understand?"

Joanna and Misty nodded again.

"When a canon is upgraded the changes tear a lot on the fabric of reality," the Headmaster continued. "The crossovers were taken here, not to fight as many thought, but as a side-effect to the arrival of the mirages. I think that they might also have softened the impact on this reality. Since there were so many of them, the junkyard was affected just enough to let the mirages through."

"And the quakes?" wondered Misty before she could stop himself.

"The mirages way of making certain we knew they were coming. A knock on the door."

"What's going to happen to Misto?" asked Joanna and blushed a little. "And the others too, I mean."

"They will awake in a few hours, perhaps a little bit wiser." The Headmaster chuckled, which soon turned into a cough attack. "But you needn't worry. They are perhaps more alive now than they have ever been."

"Good." Joanna took a shaky breath and looked into the mirror again.

The crowd of mirages, before a thick silvery cloud of mixed features, had now thinned out noticably. So had the number of Jellicles still standing. To their girls' surprise many crossovers had disappeared as well, apparently no longer needed now that the mirages had successfully crossed over to OFUC. Miss Minnaloushe was still only half aware of what was going on around her, but Kihr had hurried up to her and tried to help her the best he could. The Agents were still trying to fight, alongside with most students, but it was more and more despairingly as they noticed that what they did had no effect whatsoever on the mirages.

"It is over soon," said the Headmaster.

The three watched as the last mirage made the last Jellicle faint. There was a long moment of silence.

"What do we do now?" asked Poe, looking at the Agents.

Ekwy, who was breathing heavily as she was exhausted from the battle, ran up to Munkustrap and felt his pulse.

"He's alive," she said, and Joanna could hear the relief in her voice. "Good. Okay. It will be okay now." She stood up, a new look of determination on her face. "Listen up everybody! Is anyone hurt?"

Around ten students that had been thrown aside in the same way as miss Minnaloushe but not nearly as hard, let their voices be heard. Ekwy quickly took inventory of the damages. A few of them were disoriented and seemed lightly concussed. Indes had been bitten by a confused mini and her bleeding hand would probably need stitches. Otherwise the injuries seemed to be bruises and cuts, in various degrees of seriousness.

"All of you unhurt, help me carry the canons and miss Minnaloushe to the infirmary!" Ekwy called out and gave the fic-writers a warning look. "And if anyone tries to cop a feel on the Jellicles, trust me, I will notice. Move it out!"

The writers groaned and muttered curses under their breaths, which was a surprisingly normal sound at OFUC. It made Joanna feel calmer. As long at the students were complaining, things would be all right again.

"You should leave and help now," said the Headmaster. "The exit is right behind you."

Joanna and Misty looked up from the view in the mirror. They had almost forgotten they were not there themselves.

"Thank you," said Joanna. She was not sure why.

The Headmaster merely nodded. His features were impossible to read.

Joanna and Misty left the office through the door that had suddenly appeared behind them. It led out to a trash corridor near the junkyard and vanished after they had both passed through. They looked at each other, uncertain for a second. Then they hurried into the area and helped Lyra and Tabby to carry miss Minnaloushe.

* * *

The Agents had medical training and could manage well enough in tending the respective wounds of the students, but it was still a relief when Jennyanydots woke up a few hours later. She didn't seem too different, although there was a strange look in her eyes, as if she'd seen new things and had begun thinking about matters she hadn't paid much attention to before. Joanna caught her smiling to herself more than once as she helped disinfecting a minor cut on Snowie's leg.

The other Jellicles soon came after Jennyanydots and woke up. They were a bit more quiet than usual, even Etcetera seemed thoughtful, though that soon changed when Tugger decided to grace them all with his conscious presence. Then they recognized their little hyper fangirl again.

Miss Minnaloushe drifted in and out of conciousness. She had taken a big blow to the head and broken one wing, and it took her two days to fully come back. The first thing she did was asking about the canons' safety, and she relaxed visibly when she found out what had happened. She also made a short trip to see the Headmaster, even though Jennyanydots strongly objected to it, and when she came back she called for Joanna and Misty.

"I heard that he spoke to you two," she said as she sat up in her sickbed and let Jennyanydots fluff her pillows. "What did he say?"

Misty answered. "He just... explained everything to us, miss. Told us what had actually happened and why it had happened."

"How did you find his office?"

"We didn't, miss," said Joanna. "I think it... well, we wanted to find it really badly because we thought the Headmasters could help us with what was happening, and then we were just there."

Miss Minnaloushe opened her mouth to say something, but at that moment Jenny brought her her painkillers and she had to pause to swallow them.

"Thank you, Jenny. Now please, for Heaviside's sake, stop fussing over me. I keep telling you that I am quite all right now."

"It was a nasty blow, miss," said the Gumbie Cat sternly, "and I plan to keep on tending it, no matter how often you tell me you are fine. You may run things around here, but as long as you are in my infirmary, you answer to me."

Miss Minnaloushe looked a little annoyed at being spoken to like that in front of students, but gave up to Jenny's resolved face. Her attention snapped back at Joanna and Misty, who were both standing nervously by her bed waiting for her to say something.

"Our old Headmaster is a strange man," she said finally with a little strange half-smile. "Why he does some things I will never know. But I hope you two feel honoured that he spoke to you. He's usually very secluded and keeps to his office. Why he chose to bring two students there is... well, I'm certain he had his reasons." She moved slightly and flinched when she accidentally graced her broken wing. "You're excused."

"Why do you think we were allowed to speak with the Headmaster?" Joanna asked Misty as the two returned to their car. "I mean, he's a very important man... I'm pretty sure he only speaks to miss Minnaloushe."

Misty shrugged. "Maybe he was bored and wanted someone to talk to. Maybe he wanted to calm us down since we were so frazzled about what had happened to miss Minnaloushe. Maybe he had some other weird reason that is beyond our mere mortal comprehension. How should I know? What's important is that things are going to be okay now. Soon classes will start up again and we'll be back to normal."

"True. As normal as we can be." Joanna groaned as she remembered something.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, really. I just realized that with everything normal, we'll be back to impossible homework, long lectures and minis looking for every opportunity to chase after us."

"Wow. Where's an invasion of creepy ghost-like intruders when you need one?"

* * *

Joanna's prediction proved to be somewhat inaccurate. Of course the teachers were still trying to give them as difficult homework as possible (they blamed it on the recent events that had come in the way of schoolwork), and the minis were as snappy as ever, but still there was a certain... calm over the campus. The tension was released, and they could focus on other things. It was nice, for a change.

The students went back to their regularly scheduled lusting, which became apparent when February arrived. The faculty area was completely covered in heart-shaped cards, single-handedly composed love poems, and flowers. Karlitio tried to present Rumpleteazer with a box of chocolates, but the gift was hastily confiscated due to the danger it posed to the minis.

"Dogs must not eat chocolate," as Ekwy proclaimed with her mouth full of nougat. "Therefore we gracefully sacrifice the slimness of our hips and thighs to save the poor little dears. May I have the last marzipan?"

The snow began to melt away as the weather grew warmer. Soon Mistoffelees no longer had a need to keep up the protective shield over the classrooms, which he found an immense relief. He was too busy running away from spring-crazed fans to bother with it anyway.

Indeed, springtime had come to OFUC, or at least that was what the students wanted to think. They basked in what little warmth the scarce sunlight would give and eagerly went looking for spring signs between classes. To their delight wildwood windflowers and hepaticas began sprouting in the corners of the corridors, few in the beginning but soon enough to create what looked like carpets of white and blue flowers, that they had to tread carefully around so that they wouldn't crush anything. At first Kihr tried to weed them out to keep the university tidy, but he gave up somewhere around the beginning of March when they seemed to take over the entire campus.

"They'll probably freeze to death soon anyway," he muttered while glaring venomously at a group of daffodils. "It's too early for spring."

But OFUC was not like other places, and he was wrong. There were nights of frost, but the sun was resilient and refused to give way to the cold again. The flowers survived, and soon came the most clear sign of all that the winter was over: the students saw miss Minnaloushe take flight and ascend until she was nothing but a little black dot against a clear blue sky. Ekwy told them that it was an Ironwing tradition, the Spring Flight, and that now they could be sure of warmer weather.

Yes, life at OFUC seemed to be looking up, if it hadn't been for the lessons.


	32. The Good, the Bad and the Tugger

**A/N:** Many thanks to Attila the Conqueror for letting me use her suggestions on what a plausiable Jellicle High might look.

**Thirty-Two: The Good, the Bad and the Tugger**

"Good morning," said the Rum Tum Tugger and waited for the excited squeals to calm down with a grin on his face. "Today I'm filling in for Skimble because he's away somewhere doing something very important that I couldn't care less about. He told me what we're supposed to talk about today, though, so pick up your pencils and take notes." He coughed to make sure all eyes were on him, which was a bit of a waste of time since the fic-writers had ben unable to stop staring at him the moment he walked into the classroom. "Today, we're going to discuss plotlines. Can anyone tell me something that you've read many times?"

Lu raised a hand. "Isn't 'How-Quaxo-Got-His-Powers' pretty common?"

Tugger nodded. "Indeed. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Everyone has their own version of how things happened, and the right to tell it. This is the case with many overused plotlines. Another one is the ever-popular 'Demeter-Gets-Kidnapped-by- Macavity-And-Munkustrap-Has-To-Save-Her-Because-She's-Just-Too-Much-Of-A-Sissy-To-Do-It-Herself.'"

The Munkustrap/Demeter 'shippers sighed dreamily.

"However," Tugger continued, "there are a few that you should _really_ consider before sitting down and typing out your story. And the most common one of those is the plot not-so-affectionately known as 'Jellicle High.'"

He waited until the cries of outrage from the Jellicle High-writers had quieted down, and then he kept on going.

"The Jellicle High is as far as I've gathered a story taking place in an Alternative Universe where your favourite cats go to school. The adults are teachers and/or family members, and the kittens are students. And yours truly is the handsome jock who has a sordid affair with Miss Bombalurina, the new English teacher..." He licked his mouth as he pictured it and then shook his head. "No sorry, that was my idea. Don't write that down!"

He said the last part to Kristine and Chimalmaht, who had started to scribble down notes like mad. They blinked innocently at him and put down their pencils. Tugger returned to his lesson.

"The real plot of the Jellicle High is vague, if it exists at all, and the characters might as well have been cut out of cardboard. Now I have no idea how this trend started or which writer thought it was a good idea to begin with, but one thing is certain." Tugger tapped a claw against his desk. "And that is that the Jellicle High plotline is bloody near impossible to make something good of. It is simple writing for lazy writers that don't have any original ideas."

"Hey!" protested someone. "What's so wrong about Jellicle High?"

Tugger shrugged. "It serves no real purpose. You have simply taken the names of the Jellicles and pasted them on to two-dimensional characters that act out a scene from your local high school. What is the point? What are you trying to figure out?"

No one answered.

"I'm sure it's possible to make it an interesting read," said Tugger. "You just have to keep in mind that the Jellicles aren't humans, so they shouldn't act like them. What is a cat going to do with English Literature 101? Instead of Jellicles studying human subjects you can have them taking Dealing With Pollicles, Mouse Hunting 101, or How To Choose a Human Home. These things apply to cats. These things makes your story plausible."

He nodded seriously and paused to allow the writers to note this down. A few students rolled their eyes, while others looked embarrassed at their mistakes.

"I still don't get why we can't write them," muttered the person who had spoken before.

Tugger coughed. "Because it is not real fanfiction. The characters may be cats, but they act as far from Jellicles as you can get. If you want to write about teenagers and their wacky hi-jinx in school, then write about the Sweet Valley Twins instead. Leave the Jellicles alone, we don't deserve it. Thank you!"

To the delight of his fangirls the Maine Coon began to pace the classroom as he spoke. Joanna noticed how Eclectica leaned back in her seat as far as she could to admire Tugger's behind as he passed her and was caught by Charlicopat the second before she lost her balance.

Tugger pretended not to notice the commotion he caused, but he had a very smug grin on his face as he continued.

"Moving on. Now I'm going to give you a little exercise. Turn to the person next to you and try and figure out plotlines you've never heard of before. They can be anything. A pairing you've never read, whether it's slash or het, or a new situation you'd like to see the characters in. You may begin."

Joanna turned towards Misty, who was fighting to keep her eyes away from Tugger. "Hi there."

"Hellu. Okay, what do you want to start with? Pairings or situations?"

"Pairings are more fun." Joanna paused to think. "I think I'd like to see a story with... Cassandra/Alonzo. There aren't many of those." She wrote it down in her notepad. "All right, what about you?"

"Um, I don't know. Maybe something like... Jenny/Jelly slash. Wouldn't that be cute?" Misty grinned. "Just imagine, two older queens sitting together, they have both had relationships with toms in the past, and now they don't dare to really touch each other because they are afraid of what they feel, and what will their kittens think, and how will the tribe react..." She steadied her head in a paw and got something dreamy about her face. "They have to hide their feelings, even though it just tears them up inside, but they sit there, together, just enjoying the company and talking about stupid things like kits and Jenny's students and all the other problems going on at the junkyard. Lots of angsty inner monologues..."

"Misty..."

"_I just want to be near her, hear her voice and her laugh, she feels so warm next to me. What can I do? What will they say? Does she feel this too? She must feel it, how can she not? It was never like this with..._"

"Misty..."

"_Everlasting Cat, is there even a word for this? The way she nuzzles up against me on really cold nights; I can smell her breath on my face and I know I hear her purring..._"

"Misty!"

The Jellicle flinched and blinked. "What?"

Joanna nodded at the notepad. "You should write it down. It sounds really good."

"Hm? Oh. Oh yes. Of course." Misty looked a little confused, and then she shook her head. "Sorry. I guess I rambled a bit there. Jenny/Jelly slash. Angst. Got it." She underlined the word "ANGST" a few times and stared at it for a moment. Then she shook her head again and looked at Joanna. "Did you say anything?"

"No, nothing." Joanna frowned. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just... Yeah. I'm fine. Just... a lot of ideas at once." Misty smiled weakly. "I've never experienced it quite so strongly before. Kind of a rush." For a second she looked worried. "You don't think there's a Jellcile about, do you? If it turned out to be a bad idea, it would really suck."

Joanna looked around, but didn't see any of the little winged critters about. "I think we're okay."

"Good." Misty returned to the exercise. "Any other pairing you can think of?"

They worked for the entire period, jotting down short summaries and bits of dialogue that they connected with the plots, and finally they had several sheets of paper filled with text. Then Misty took her pen and drew a stickfigure with cat-ears, whiskers and a tail in the margins while waiting for Tugger to talk again.

After having walked around, causing fainting spells and uncontrolled drooling wherever he went, Tugger returned to the head of the class.

"What you've just done is called brainstorming, which I'm sure a lot of you already knew," he said. "Your homework is to choose one of the plot ideas you came up with today and write a story around it. 3000 words at the most, 500 at the least, to be handed in next week. Class dismissed."

Very slowly, the class got up and left. Joanna basically had to drag Misty away from there, as did the friends of other Tugger Lusters.

They had a ten-minute recess before The Naming of Cats class started, which they spent looking through their homework. It was an entire chapter of Goethe's "Faust," where the demon Mephistopheles tempted a German scholar with everything he desired in exchange for his soul. It was not the lightest reading in the world, but the writers knew there would be a pop-quiz on it, and most of them really wanted to impress Mistoffelees, who of course was holding the lesson today. Therefore they sat in silence, reading as intently as they could.

That was why they were so surprised when they suddenly heard the sound of someone running towards them at high speed, shouting something in a loud voice as they approached.

It was Tumblebrutus. He paused for a second to catch his breath, and then he looked right at Joanna and Misty.

"You two better come with me," he said. "There's been some stuff going on at your car."

He wouldn't say anything else, so the two girls looked at their classmates in confusion, shrugged, and followed him back to the TSEs. There stood Ekwy, Admetus and the mini-Pollicle known as Damets, all three of them peeking in through the doors of number four with worried looks on their faces.

"What's going on?" asked Misty as soon as they reached the car.

"Damets was patrolling the area and noticed that you've only got one Jellcile on your premises," said Ekwy and looked sternly at them. "One of them has escaped. Have you been sloppy with putting the lid on the cage?"

"What?"

Joanna hurried to open the car door and look at the aquarium in the front seat. In her half of it sat Polly, who looked up without much surprise at Joanna. The other half was empty. Joanna looked at Misty.

"It's Alida," she said. "Yours is gone."

"That's not possible!" Misty was in such a hurry to see for herself that she pushed Joanna out of the way. She stared in shock at the empty cage. "But I'm sure I put the lid back on after giving her breakfast this morning..."

"Well, you can't have secured it properly," said Admetus solemnly and pointed at a place where the net above the cage was torn and frizzled. "This is how she got out."

Ekwy had gotten out her walkie-talkie. "Gecks, it's confirmed, we've got a pixay on the premises. I say it's egg-time. Over."

"Copy that," said Gecka's voice from the other end. "Try and seal off the area. I gather the minis and see if we can find it. Over."

"Okie-dokie. Over and out." Ekwy clicked off the walkie-talkie and stuck it on her belt.

"Egg-time?" repeated Misty nervously. "What does that mean?"

"It means you did good, kiddo," said Ekwy and gave her a half smile. "Your Alida has scampered off to lay her eggs. You've created a safe enough environment for her, and now the time has come. Now all we have to do is find her and, if possible, move her eggs to somewhere where we can control the offspring. Newborn pixays aren't... that much fun. We want to make sure they don't cause any damage, and it's easier to do that once they're still in their eggs."

"What about Alida? What's going to happen to her?"

"Don't worry about Alida. She'll be fine. Eventually. We just have to find her first, which hopefully shouldn't take long. Minis have an excellent sense of smell."

"Baff!" barked Damets proudly with his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

* * *

Alida was found a couple of hours later by Skimbleshanksa and Grizobella. Misty was excused from class to be there, and she later told Joanna about it. Alida had been hiding in an empty soda-can in the junkpiles north of the TSEs, where she had made a nice room for herself and the three eggs she'd laid. The eggs were light pink and slightly transparent; and they were also empty.

"They are not fertalized yet," Ekwy, the leading expert of the ways of the pixays, had explained. "Alida is going to go into a pupal stage and develop male reproducing organs while her eggs wait for a male to come along. Then he'll... do his business, so to speak, and he'll care for the eggs until they hatch, and raise the offspring after that."

"We're going to take the eggs to the Heavyside Layer," Gecka had said as she put on a pair of sturdy leather gloves. "There they'll receive the best care possible. The researchers there have not given up on breeding more well-mannered Jellciles, and this can really help them. They haven't had the opportunity to have eggs of Jellicles raised by humans before. You might have made a positive influence on them."

She'd gently picked up one egg after another and placed them in a padded bag where they'd be kept warm. Then she had looked at Misty.

"You should tell your classmates to prepare for their Jellciles to fly away as well. It's very possible that will happen soon, and it's better that they know so that they don't worry. It won't matter how tightly they secure the cages; Jellciles in heat will find their ways out anyway. You got that?"

And Misty had nodded and understood perfectly. She'd then been allowed to take Alida back to the car and return her to her aquarium. The Jellcile was not nearly as aggressive now that her mission was accomplished. She had done what she was supposed to do, and now there was no reason to be so snappy anymore. Instead she began to weave herself into a cocoon of silk, just like Ekwy had said, and there she remained.

The news of Misty's Jellcile being on the way to transforming to a Pollcile spread across campus like wildfire. Suddenly every student began taking extra good care of their pixays, out of fear to be the only one left with an unevolved specimen on their hands, or paws. The students began comparing diets, habits and preferred games like parents discussing their children. Joanna was no exception, and she slowly but certainly drove Misty to the brink of madness with her constant talking of Polly's successes and failures.

"You sound like my aunt Jean," she said one day when she finally had had enough. "She breeds poodles."

They sat basking in the warmth on the roof of their TSE. It was afternoon, and they had an excellent view over the other cars that made up the student dormitories. Joanna had brought Polly up with her so that the pixay would get some light, even though the Jellcile was safely in her glass-jar, which was still used when Joanna needed to transport her.

Joanna half-smiled apologetically. "Sorry. I'll change the subject." She nodded towards the notepad in Misty's lap. "Have you written any more of the Jenny/Jelly idea?"

Misty perked up at the mentioning of her story. "Oh yes. I think I might make it my end-of-term paper."

"Got an ending yet?"

"Not yet. But I've got a pretty good idea." Misty purred and bit the end of her pencil. "I won't tell you, though. It might spoil it."

"I understand."

Joanna leaned backwards and closed her eyes. She was a bit jealous of Misty since her friend had her idea of a fic already thought out. Joanna hadn't found hers yet. She had bits and pieces of an original character in her head, but was too frightened that she'd make her a Mary Sue to dare develop her more. She carefully picked up the jar with Polly and regarded the elfin face of her pixay. Polly tilted her head and poked her tongue out at her. Then she giggled soundlessly and started spin around and around, her arms stretched out so that they almost touched the ends of the jar that surrounded her.

Joanna sighed. In her mind she was wondering if Polly would ever turn into a good idea. There was something childish about her still, something that other pixays had ceased being a long time ago. She remembered that Gecka and miss Minnaloushe had told her that Polly was a romance fic when Joanna received her. "An implausiable pairing, or even a Mary Sue." Joanna thought those options were a bit intimidating, and wished that she'd gotten another pixay... but it was too late for wishes.

Polly lost her balance as she spun and fell on her behind. She looked surprised at this new turn of events and remained sitting on the glass floor while her head stopped sprinning. Then she opened her mouth in a cute little yawn and looked at Joanna, who nodded.

"Time for Polly to sleep," she told Misty and made her way down from the car roof. "Coming?"

"Be right down."

But Misty didn't come inside until very late that night, when the very last sunbeams had finally disappeared and taken away the light. She carried a vast amount of notes on her arms and looked very pleased with herself.

Joanna noticed her coming into the car, but didn't comment. Misty's arrival had woke her up, and Joanna still lay awake underneath her blankets after her friend had gone to sleep. She was thinking about her idea that would not come, and it took her many hours before she could fall back into blissful oblivion.


	33. A Prolonged Squawk

**A/N:** Okay, that took me a while... But a lot of things have been happening since my last update which has been keeping me from writing, like graduation, going overseas, stuff like that... Anyway, here's an extra long chapter to hopefully make up for it. :)

For some reason I keep imagining John Cleese doing the voice of Billy M'Caw. I feel that a circle has, somehow, been closed. (Also, please no comments on me spelling the parrot's name like that... It's what it says on the lyrics to my CATS recording. I know that there are other ways to spell it. I stick to what I know.)

Disclaimer: As always, CATS doesn't belong to me. Also, the title of this chapter comes from the ever-so-popular Dead Parrot Sketch of Monty Python fame.

**Thirty-Three: A Prolonged Squawk**

Polly was one of the last to fly out and lay her eggs, and it happened on the very same day that Alida came out of her cocoon. Of course, now she was not "Alida" anymore, but had developed into a small but muscular and quite handsome male pixay. Misty quickly renamed him "Alido," but she had little time to get to know her new pet. Alido got out of his cage one morning in middle March and flew out to find eggs to fertalize. He was quickly caught by the Agents and brought to the Heavyside Layer. They did however promise Misty that she'd see him one final time before the pixay had lived out his short life. Now his half in the aquarium was empty, and Polly had woven herself into a cocoon to follow him soon.

Joanna and Misty both missed their strange little pets. They had gotten used to having someone to feed and play with, and the TSE 4 seemed strangely empty without the pixays.

Misty completed her Jenny/Jelly story within a few days. It was not very long, since there were limits to how much one could stretch the concept, but she was very proud of it and would tell anyone who'd listen that it was the first time she had ever finished a story. Now she waited most patiently for another idea to come, the one she knew Alido would bring her when he was ready. She knew she would have to wait for it a long time though; Alido would not be done with his duty in raising his offspring for another two months.

One week after the pixays had left them there was some excitement amongst the students of OFUC. They had been told that it was time for a seminar about obscure characters, and they were all immensely looking forward to it. Therefore they were all chatting excitedly as they filed in to the Jellicle junkyard and found their seats.

Firefrorefiddle was already there. He was the largest cat anyone of them had ever seen, including Old Deuteronomy. He seemed gentle, though, and his red eyes were very different from the ones of the Rumpus Cat's stern gaze. He looked a tad nervous, but anxious to start his seminar, and he clapped his large paws together to silence the students.

"'Ello," he greeted them.

The class said it back, somewhat nervously.

Firefrorefiddle seemed cheered on by this, so he continued. "I'm glad you're all here, because today will be mighty interestin'. I've invited a lot of fine folk to talk 'ere, but that will all be later. First I jus' wanted to ask you if you know anythin' at all about me?"

He looked over the class hopefully. When no one responded some air seemed to leave him, and he looked a little sad.

"No surprise," he said morosely. "You're not alone in not knowin'. I don't know nothin' about me either. I only get a line in a song and a little ghost walkin' about, and that's not much to build a character around, is it?"

Joanna felt a little sorry for the huge cat. He was so sad for his lost personality.

"All I know is that I'm a 'fiend of the fell'," Firefrorefiddle said and shook his enormous head. "And that's not much fun to be, no." Then he lit up a little and smiled at the students hopefully. "I was sort of hopin' you'd help me, bein' writing folk an' all that. Maybe you can think up a story for me to have, because it ain't lookin' as if I'll ever get a real one?"

A couple of students looked like they were considering it, and Joanna heard several pencils write down the idea. Firefrorefiddle cheered up considerably.

"I know Growltiger an' Griddlebone gets stories written about 'em a lot," he said. "An' that's okay, because maybe pirates are more interestin' than a big oaf like me, but it's kind of unfair, you know? Jus' 'cause I don't have a song... I think maybe I could have a story too. You know, I could be one of them wild cats out in the wilderness." He grinned widely. "A really adventurous story, mine."

Then he shook his head again and waved it away.

"Jus' think about it, that's all I'm askin'. Now we're goin' to have a bunch of people here and talk about themselves. They're here because they don't have a lot of stories about 'em, and they don't get no attention, so they wanted to talk to you and see if they can give you any ideas."

The first cat to speak was Exotica. The mysterious queen was very shy at first, not daring to speak very loudly and seeming to wish nothing more than to run away and hide. After a while though she seemed more relaxed. She knew very little of herself, of course, just that she was difficult to spot in the musical and had been "invented" since they'd wanted the actress Femi Taylor, who usually played Tantomile, in the movie even though that part had already been cast. She also gave them some suggestions on why she might be so aloof. Was she a paranoid, magical cat, always changing shape to throw off potential followers? Had she as well as Demeter been affected by Macavity, although her fear took another approach? Why was she so frightened?

She didn't speak for very long since her tail kept twitching nervously and her eyes darted constantly from side to side, and when she'd gotten her applause she ran away and was gone before anyone could blink. One or two students looked like they had been inspired by her short seminar, and were happily writing things down.

Joanna sighed silently. Her notepad was still embarrassingly empty except for a few notes on a Firefrorefiddle story without a plot that was probably going nowhere. She had hoped that this seminar would give her something to work on, but there was nothing yet.

The next speaker was Gilbert, who also went under the name Genghis, the Siamese that was Growltiger's greatest enemy and executioner. He had a thick Mongolian accent, and it was sometimes difficult for the students to understand what he was saying, but his movements were very expressive and somehow he managed to get his point across anyway. He was an impressive sight to behold, with a bejewelled turban on his head and carrying a large, curved knife in his belt. His voice spoke of faraway lands, and as he passed them they caught the scent of horse and something warm and slightly smelly that Joanna didn't recognize.

Without Joanna noticing it, she began to write things down. Gilbert's voice was mesmerizing and made her want to see his land, and she found herself wondering about the pirate life... And then she asked herself how a land-locked country like Mongolia could have sailing pirate cats, and then her mind began wondering what could make a mighty chieftain like Gilbert follow Growltiger to Molesay to slay him. Was there a matter of revenge? A vendetta... Had Growltiger stolen something from Gilbert that he wanted back? There were a lot of questions she felt had to be answered before she started writing, but she didn't dare ask them. Perhaps another time, if she had the chance.

Gilbert left, to Joanna's vast disappointment. He had piqued her interest, even though she doubted whether or not she could make something out of his story. She turned a page on her notepad and waited for the next person to come forward.

Firefrorefiddle stood up and grinned cheerfully at the class.

"I hope you're enjoyin' the seminar?" he said, and there were some "yes"s in response. "Good, good. Well, we only have one person left today, and I ain't sure he'll be a very good influence on you lot, so I'm a wee bit worried about lettin' him up 'ere..." He looked slightly concerned and scratched his head. "But I think you can handle it. Billy, will you come up 'ere?"

It was the first time the students had seen a member of the faculty that was not Jellicle, human or Ironwing. It was a parrot, roughly the size of a German Shepherd, with a shimmering green coat of feathers and a yellow beak. It carried two instruments on its back, one flute and one guitar, in a sailor's bag of coarse brown cloth. He looked over the students with staring colourless eyes that had the look of random insanity that most cage-birds have and squawked. Firefrorefiddle made room for him at the podium, and the parrot began to speak.

"_Squawk, squawk, Billy good boy! Billy wanna cracker!_"

Billy M'Caw shook his head and cleared his throat, and when he spoke again his voice was soft and melodious.

"I do apologize," he said with a very distinct British accent. "I certainly did not mean to startle you, but I have not spoken to anyone in... well, a very long time. It's awful nice to see so many of you here."

The students blinked.

"And Firefrorefiddle hesitated to let him on stage, why?" Misty murmured to Joanna, who had to agree.

Billy M'Caw pretended he had not noticed their surprise and kept going.

"I am a character who gets a minimum of attention from you writers," he said. It was uncertain if he was relieved or offended by this. "I do however feel that you are missing out on a vast opportunity here. There are so many things I could tell you! What about, for a random example, the Growltiger and Griddlebone love story, told from my perspective? I always knew that wouldn't end well. Saw it from a mile away. It reminded me of another story that I also witnessed, some years ago, about the fair Siamese queen who mated with a common stray tom, a disastrous event which led to not only the destruction of two powerful cat tribes but also the death of the lovers themselves! I remember it clearly, for the mother of the Siamese queen cried out on my shoulder. Her name was, um, let me think, oh yes, Crystallina! Lovely queen. Mated with a very fine gentleman tom and was very happy until those previously mentioned tragic events. Afterwards she simply faded away with grief for her daughter. Watched it all, I did! Which also reminds me of the great fire, which as you know took place the same year as the battle between the two tribes first broke out..."

Half an hour later Joanna and Misty staggered out for lunch, together with their just as exhausted classmates. Firefrorefiddle gave them both a compassionate pat on the shoulder before going over to the still talking parrot to make it shut the hell up.

"So _that_ was why he hesitated," muttered Misty and rubbed her temples. "Completely understandable, in hindsight."

"Why does he know everything that's happened to him?" wailed MagicalMisto. "Firefrorefiddle didn't!"

"I think he was only making it up as he went along," said Arakasema sensibly. "He didn't seem very coherent, did he?"

"Crystallina doesn't sound like a proper Jellicle name to me," contributed Joanna. "He must have made it up. It actually sounds kind of Sueish..."

The students sat down, each with a bowl of curry in front of them, to chat about what they were going to do now. The afternoon was spreading out in front of them, sparkling with sunshine and promises of rest.

"I still got a paper to write for Crossovers," sighed Lyra. "The Twins didn't like my CATS/Lord of the Rings story." She pouted. "I have to write two thousand words and explain what I had in mind before they'll give me permission to finish it!"

Joanna had all the compassion in the world for poor Lyra, who would spend this wonderful day doing homework, but she could not surpress a shiver at the thought of the LotR felines that had shown up during the Crossover Incident. Queen Berúthiel's cats had been _scary_.

She tickled Lyra underneath her chin to cheer her up, and the Jellicle student purred happily, oblivious to everything for a few short moments. Then she turned to the other students with a sigh.

"What are you guys up to?"

As it turned out, no one really had any ideas. That is, the Misto Squad gave some suggestions of sure-fire ways to woo everyone's respective Lust Object (they were getting desperate now; there were only a few months left until graduation!), but no one felt particularly up for it. The fun had been sucked out of glomping since the beginning of that ridiculous "if you behave, you get a dance with your Lust Object during the graduation party" contest.

"We could play fetch with the minis?" suggested Antigone and took a sip of her milk.

"They'd only end up chasing us," said Kara Sakuya bitterly. "They always, always do."

"And the pixays are all off getting grown-up and stuff," sighed Misty sadly. "Not that they really were such great play-mates to begin with."

"Then what are we going to do?" asked Joanna. "I refuse to let this day be wasted!"

"Want to write a fic together?"

All heads turned and looked at Vicki, who shrunk in her chair. Her cheeks turned a little pink at being the centre of attention.

"A collaboration?" barked Sacai Stormcage with raised eyebrows.

S/he looked interested, and didn't appear to be alone either. Several writers seemed intrigued by the idea. Vicki dared a hopeful smile.

"Or maybe not a fic," she said. "I've been thinking about... maybe a play? It would be something new. And it would give us something to do, and the staff would probably approve as long a we didn't do anything stupid..."

"I don't hate it," said Misty and nodded. "We could write it... Maybe perform it on graduation day?"

The suggestion was received with a mixture of delighted "oh _yes_"s and horrified cries of "but we'll be a _laughing stock_," but most of the gathered writers were still up for the challenge. Misty, who seemed to think of herself as a kind of leader in the group, stood up to speak to them all, when she was interrupted by a sudden rumbling. The ground trembled ever so slightly.

Many around the table paled.

"Crossovers again?" whispered Ralli nervously.

"Doubt it," said Misty confidently, but the glint in her eyes told them she wasn't so sure.

The rumblings stopped, and things went quiet. The students waited a while in absolute silence before anyone dared speak. Then, almost at once, voices resumed their conversation, and the cafeteria was back to normal.

"Want to go see what it was?" asked Joanna.

She was pretty curious, and as things seemed calm she wasn't very frightened that it might be something... strange. They had just put strange behind them, hadn't they? Surely the Powers That Be couldn't be so cruel and unleash something new so soon?

A few students, Misty included, thought it was a good idea and left the lunch table. They headed for the Jellicle junkyard instinctively, knowing that that was usually the place were things happened. They had not been walking long until they heard something else; the furious, almost hysterical sound of many, many mini-Pollicles barking and snarling. The noise intensified as the students came closer, and they had to cover their ears.

Surely enough, near the TSE 1 stood a few staff members, around a few fairly large objects that the students had trouble spotting. The Jellicle junkyard was completely crowded by minis. There were 142 of them at last count, and all of them appeared to be there. The noise was deafening, there were growling, snapping, howling minis everywhere. Fortunately enough they paid no attention to their normal prey: the fic-writers. All their anger was meant for the large objects by the TSE 1.

Misty was looking very nervous now. Her legs kept twitching, as if they couldn't wait to carry her far, far away from all these mad dogs. She was desperately covering her ears to keep the noise out, but it seemed to do her very little good. Joanna was grateful she didn't have the over-sensitive feline hearing.

Misty said something, but Joanna couldn't hear. She tried to lip-read, and after a while she got: "What do you think it is?"

She shrugged and tried to stand on her tippy-toes to see over Gecka's head. She squinted. The objects... they looked like...

Mountains?

* * *

"Get these minis out of here!" howled Ekwy, but she spoke to deaf ears. "Where the heck is the Rumpus Cat!"

Thankfully they didn't have to wait long for their saviour. The Rumpus Cat showed up, a scowl on his face, and wordlessly began to round up the minis. They whined and threw their heads in the direction of the mountains, but he didn't care about their complaints. The noise soon quieted down while the minis trodded off, still snapping in the air and howling so loudly they probably shattered a few eardrums along the way.

"Right, what are we dealing with here?" Gecka asked the staff in general. "Any takers?"

They were looking at a very small range of mountains, around five feet high, with what appeared to be snow on the tops and surrounded by charming little green valleys. There were inch-tall cherry trees in the valleys, and if you used a magnifying glass you could see dainty little bluebells and daisies in the grass as well.

"It's kind of pretty," said Etcetera and purred softly. "It's just like outside!"

"I think... they might be Peaks," said Munkustrap slowly, as if he couldn't believe his own words.

It got very quiet. Only a faint yodelling from one of the mountains broke the silence.

"Someone... misspelled 'Pekes'?" said Ekwy. The corners of her mouth were twitching, as if she was on the verge of breaking down laughing.

"It would explain why the minis went nuts," shrugged Gecka. She also seemed endlessly amused by the situation.

"So what do we do with them?" asked Etcetera curiously. She sniffed the Peaks. "Ooh, fresh pine..."

"We can't keep them here; the minis would... well, they wouldn't like it, I'm willing to bet," said Ekwy and shrugged. "It's up for grabs, really. I'll get Kihr to move them eventually. He should be strong enough." She looked around. "Has anyone seen him lately?"

No one spoke.

"Not for a while," admitted Gecka. "He's been a little... out of it for a few days now. After the whole issue with the mirages."

"I saw him sitting on top of a rubbish pile a while ago," said Etcetera slowly. "He looked all serious like. Almost sad."

"A bit unlike Kihr." Ekwy looked thoughtful. "Hm. If it'd been anyone else, I would have gone to talk to him, but as it is, perhaps it's better if miss Minnaloushe does it. They're of the same species. Maybe it's just temporary."

But she did look troubled. Being essentially immortal, there were two ways to deal with existence if you were an Ironwing. One was to stay serious and act as if the fate of the world rested on your shoulders, like miss Minnaloushe did. The other was to see the humour in all things and take life as it came. Kihr usually enjoyed that way. But if he was upset about something, there was no telling what he'd do.

Who knew what a depressed Ironwing would be capable of?


End file.
